Author: Creative Group Oh Mom
A while ago, I chatted with a few gatherings with friends, and as soon as I opened my mouth, I talked about my own children.
The most upset is the mother whose son is in adolescence.
"Tell me, I usually care enough for my son, right?" The dishes at home do not need him to wash, the ground does not need him to drag, he can give what he wants, and others have tablets and game consoles to buy for him. Learn to find him a one-on-one tutor, and I will help tutor if I can't write homework. But he worried so much, in the end his final results were a mess, and he was discouraged by him to persuade him to write more practice during the winter vacation. How come the more he cares about his poor grades, the more his personality seems to have changed as a person? ”
Friends complained a lot, I really can't understand that I have paid so much, my son is not appreciative at all, and it is getting worse and worse. The other people present could not say why, and could only echo the complaint that the current child was really difficult.
Yes, when the mother who does not put the whole heart on the child, I hope that the child can study well and get ahead in the future. But the reality is in front of us, parents are anxious to do more, can not use the wrong method, the effect of education will only get worse and worse.
The educator Sukhomlinsky once said: "For a family, parents are roots and children are flowers." Parents often 'see' their children's problems, but they don't know that this is actually their own problems 'blossoming' in their children. ”
The more adolescent children manage the worse their grades, on the surface it seems that there is a problem with learning, but in fact, it hides the misunderstanding of educating children.
Be careful! Mothers' "good wives and good mothers" are designed
Before in Changsha, such an incident happened. There was a couple who were both very good at work and well paid. But as soon as my son went to high school, his grades were not particularly satisfactory. In order to better follow up on her son's learning, the mother resolutely chose to resign and concentrate on reading with her son.
I thought that my sacrifice would be able to exchange for my son's good results. Unexpectedly, the son continued to waterloo, accompanied for three full years, and finally only got two books
。 Such a result has brought a huge blow to the whole family, and my mother is even more remorseful and unable to accept the reality. As a mother, she has done her best to make concessions, give up her work, and wholeheartedly accompany her son to study. How determined you are at the beginning, how devastating the ending is.
I think of the popular drama "Reading With Mother", Chen Lili, a mother who did not hesitate to give up a comfortable life and traveled thousands of miles to Canada to accompany her. He is not familiar with life, and he does not have a skill, so he can only rely on black work and nanny to survive. Hated as "despicable" by her son's classmates, she didn't care about anything, and only hoped that her son could repay herself with good results in the exam.
At first glance, these two accompanying mothers and friends are typical "good mothers", and they all have this kind of common ground without exception: conceptual tradition, no regrets, giving everything for children and families; others always praise them as "great", but they feel that they have not done enough; when the child's learning fluctuates, or the status quo does not meet expectations, they will first look for reasons from themselves and think that they are wrong.
Thinking about it carefully, they seem to be holding a similar "good wife and good mother" script, trying to maintain the human setting, as to who the real self is and what they want to do, they have long forgotten it and do not care.
Especially in the face of children who are in a restless adolescence, they are more likely to fall into the drama unconsciously, thinking that as long as they do well enough and pay enough, the children will be able to be moved by themselves and grow up according to their expectations.
However, the child's education can not have a good effect by relying on the sacrifice and payment of the mother alone.
Educator Makarenko said: "Everything is for the child, sacrificing everything for him, this is the most terrible gift that parents give to their children." ”
The child is difficult to manage, uncontrolled, growing up less than expected, and the problem is not in him. It is often the thunder that parents, especially mothers, have quietly buried by excessive sacrifice of their "love".
"It's all for you" is forcing the children to flee
As a person who has come over, I know that the love that mothers have for their children is complex and difficult to discern.
In addition to the instinct to love children, sometimes, it may be because they did not get such a big love when they were young, so they want to use the "continuous giving" way to love their children well and make up for the lack of their childhood.
This is understandable, and it is also the common sentiment of people.
It's just that some mothers overlook the reality that the child is never a puppet at the mercy of others, and the more he grows up, the more eager he is to seek independence in his own way. Pouring out all the "care" interferes with the child's normal life, which will only force him to want to escape and fight.
I read the sharing of a psychological counselor, which is thought-provoking. One day, she received a mother and son, the mother is a junior high school teacher, the son is in the third year of junior high school, usually the small test results are very good, but once the big test, it will always be broken. Worried that her son was "not good at psychological quality", the mother specially made an appointment with a counselor to solve her son's problem. But as soon as the son opened his mouth, he spoke amazingly. It turned out that he had deliberately taken the test, because his mother was particularly doting on him, spending a lot of thought on him, not letting him do anything, he just needed to study hard.
He knew all the sacrifices his mother had made for him, but he just hated his mother for circling around him all day long, only caring about his achievements.
Therefore, he did not do well in the test, the worse the results, the more cool his heart, want to tell his mother: you are wrong.
This is the typical "passive attack", and this is the main reason why many adolescent children are always managed and their grades are getting worse and worse. It's not that they don't want to learn, it's that they think "the more you want me to do, the more I don't do anything."
On the one hand, the adolescent child's inner "independent consciousness" is ready to develop, can't wait to make his own decisions, unwilling to be restrained again; on the other hand, he is confused and panicked about the future.
Under the complex negative emotions, it will only force the child to be under the jurisdiction of the mother, just want to escape, and the relationship is tense.
Say goodbye to old scripts and be a "60-point mom"
The famous British psychoanalyst Winnicott has a new definition of "mother": Good enough mother, or "60 point mother". It is not a "bad mother" who does not ask questions about her children, nor is it a "perfect mother" who must be hands-on and selflessly dedicated. It's just right, it's enough.
Share three ways to become a "60-point mom" and hope that we can successfully get out of the script of "good wife and good mother".
First, pursue your own growth and influence your children by example.
A while ago, a 40-year-old mother of a second-child in shandong province successfully studied for the fourth battle, which made countless mothers doubly encouraged. Working for more than ten years, the eldest high school, the second and sixth grades, she did not feel that life should stop here, but saw her career bottleneck and constantly worked hard to improve herself.
Four examinations, before and after 11 years of preparation. Her tenacity also led to the growth of her son.
Listening to her talk, I felt full of confidence and affirmation. I think that with such a good example in front of children, children will definitely be touched in learning, not worse than others.
The writer Leo Tolstoy famously said: "All education, or nine hundred and ninety-nine thousandths of education, comes down to example, to the integrity and perfection of the parents' own lives." ”
If you want your child to study well and maintain a positive state, your mother must show him and influence his growth with personal teaching.
Second, fully understand the child and respect the child's true situation.
"Chinese model parent" Liu Zhilian rarely asked her daughter to learn this and that when she was in junior high school. In her opinion, even if you go to extracurricular classes, you can't rush to make quick profits, only consider improving grades, but consider the actual situation of your children.
Respect the child's talent and determine whether the child can learn a certain aspect of knowledge; respect the child's interests and understand what the child really likes; respect the critical period of the child's growth and grasp his learning needs at this stage.
By providing practical and useful guidance to children, the effect of education can be more effective with half the effort.
It is precisely in this way that Liu Zhilian's daughter grew up from ordinary and unremarkable, becoming a scholar who is good at writing, speaking, active thinking and intelligence, and finally admitted to Peking University with excellent results, and then studied abroad to continue to study the major that interests her.
Therefore, parents should stand in the child's perspective and fully understand him in order to guide him to grasp the right direction and learn easily and effortlessly.
Third, close the zipper of your mouth and give yourself a little more time.
In the lecture, Professor Li Meijin gave a suggestion to the mothers of adolescent children: "Shut your mouth." ”
The nagging and worrying from the mother will only make the adolescent child feel disgusted and irritable. It's better to stop nagging and preaching and keep more time and energy for yourself.
After settling in, read a book, drink tea, and go out with friends to party and play. Only by relaxing and loving herself better can a mother better love her child and maintain an intimate and non-tense relationship with her child.
Super nursery teacher Lan Hai has a particularly good saying: "Because of the child, we come to learn, and it is not only the child who grows up in the end, but more importantly, the parents themselves." ”
Paying for the child and wanting to fulfill the role of educator with dedication and responsibility is the original intention of every mother's love. However, parenting is self-rearing. Along the way, we have paid and sacrificed, and the growth of our lives is reflected in the intersection with our children.
Since the child has gradually grown into an adult, he has his own thoughts and plans. Then letting go in time is a fulfillment with love and blessings.
You know, the real great love is to let the child fly.
The best mothers have achieved their children and have also achieved themselves.
About the author: Oh mom, a college education psychology teacher, a senior family education instructor, is willing to use her heart and pen to open the children's spiritual world. New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.