Today is Tuesday, but still read a letter, because it is the topic of the New Year, and if you don't read it again, the Year will be over.
From a Q classmate, her letter is a bit long, but it is worth dismantling, and with her permission, I will answer it publicly here.
Master Xiong:
Happy New Year!
Although it feels very untimely, I have been uncomfortable for a long time, and I don't know what to do, I want to hear your thoughts.
I really don't like the New Year, and I have been unhappy every year since I was sensible.
I have a very complicated family, with a half-sister and a pair of twin brothers, and I always feel out of place with my family after junior high school.
Dad and sister are very close, he was very sorry for his sister when he was young, so he had a lot of guilt for his sister.
My mother and my brothers were very close, when I was born, my grandmother was very unhappy, she said how to be a girl again, and then she has been dying to force my mother to have a second child, I did not expect that I had two younger brothers at once.
When my little aunt came to my house, she always told me that your parents would not want you after they had two younger brothers. I have been envious of my second cousin since I was a child, she is an only child, and there is nothing bad about the happiness of the family.
I asked my mother how I came, she said I picked it up in the trash can, I turned over the money to pack up my clothes and run away from home, my mother hugged me and cried, I didn't make it.
This year, my father had his own New Year because of his work, he let his brothers go back to their hometown for the New Year, and I did the same when I was studying before, and it was very lonely to go back to my hometown to celebrate the New Year with unfamiliar relatives, so I strongly opposed my brother going back.
The younger brothers felt that they had not seen grandpa for a long time, so they went back to their hometown for the New Year, went back to listen to a lot of my father's young bastards, and came back to talk to my mother and quarreled. My brothers wanted my mom not to hold grudges against my uncle, but my mom felt sad that my brother wasn't looking at my dad.
Outsiders come to the house, the uncle to others to introduce me to say that I am the second mother, but when my parents were together, my father has been divorced for a long time, I don't know why I always have to introduce me to others like this.
I don't understand why we can't talk about some happy things during the New Year, so I hate why we have to ask us to go back every year, just to humiliate us for fun in the New Year?
I especially hate the New Year, I don't know how to get along with them, these things have made me reject relationships over the years, I don't know how to maintain relationships, I don't know how to develop relationships, I have always been alone.
I always seem to be messing things up, losing friends, and I envy people who have stable friends and stable relationships, and I don't even know how to start a topic myself.
The saddest thing about this year's New Year is the video with my grandfather, he told me to help my sister more in the future, it is not easy for her to take two children, my parents have to study for my brother after retirement, after all, my parents are not easy, they seem to use me completely as a tool, I don't understand, I don't know what I am in their hearts.
Q
Q：
Hello.
I noticed how you wrote about your family:
Complex family.
Complexity in your mind must not be a positive word, but rather, you feel that "complexity" is the root of your pain.
My father has been through two marriages, and you have a half-sister, which makes it more difficult to manage the relationship, but it is far from complicated.
There must be someone around you whose family is more complicated than this, but they cover up the wounds well and are not seen by you.
The real problem with your family is not your dad's marriage, but the dislike of your dad by other relatives.
"This man is divorced."
"He abandoned his knotted wife."
"There's something wrong with this guy's character."
"He was ridiculous when he was young."
It was ridiculous when I was young, and there were many people who got better and better later
If it were a neighbor, it wouldn't be surprising to say such a thing, but as a sibling, this kind of disgust is not right, and they should support him to better manage his current marriage, rather than indulging in the anger of decades ago and continuing to humiliate him, as well as to you and your brother.
This disgust acts directly on you, your two brothers, and your mother, causing you to clash and have a rift.
I don't know how your parents feel now, but it seems that your father has actually paid serious attention to the family and business life after some age. When I was busy working during the New Year, I tried my best to let the children go home to accompany grandpa; trying to compensate the eldest daughter, these practices are actually not wrong.
I can't understand why your uncle has so much resentment toward your father, because he is close to his father's ex-wife, so he is upset about this former sister-in-law? Is it because of public opinion that he has a grudge against his brother? We don't know, and there's no need to guess.
But, Q, there is one thing you can do:
Those words to your uncle, express your dissatisfaction.
"Uncle, I suggest you tell my dad in person when he's there."
"You told me in front of me that my father was morally corrupt, and I as a daughter couldn't listen to it, but you are an elder, and I can't argue with you, so I'll hide out of the door as soon as you say it, and I'll come back when you don't say it one day."
"What is the second mother?" I am this one mother, she is my father's legal wife, if you introduce me like this again, I will correct you in front of relatives and acquaintances. ”
"You are my uncle, but my father is still your brother, and the younger brother is so bad for his brother."
Show your attitude, the other party will certainly be surprised, some people are very ignorant, he can not see that he hurt others, and the other party's silent protest as acceptance, you do not need to crush the opponent in words, as long as the other party feels that this girl is not good, he will be responsible for the breakdown of your relationship, he will not say it again.
Your two younger brothers are still young, and they don't yet understand some rules, such as "Words, you can't learn at both ends." ”
For example, your uncle said harsh words, you and your brother expressed your dissatisfaction in front of your face, but coming back to learn to listen to your mother, just to increase her troubles, the brother listened to the uncle's harsh words, came back to let the mother admit that he married a ridiculous man, this is to help outsiders to hurt the mother, this is not right.
Sons should not torture their fathers about the past
Sooner or later, the younger brother will grow into a man, and the characteristics of manhood are to carry things, to digest bad emotions, and many things to swallow by themselves.
You have to tell them that they have bitterness in their hearts to hold back, and don't irritate their mothers. If you have three of you, you can still consult with each other on your own, so that you will not be sad to get sick.
Oh, yes, you are the second-ranked girl, and the second-ranked daughter is destined to be the least valued child, which is a universal rule, not to be regarded as a treasure like the older children, and not to be pampered as the younger son and the old girl.
The second daughter can sometimes become very powerful
But are you a tool man? I don't think so.
Your mother said that you were "picked up from the garbage heap", which is actually a fairly common answer, and the old answer that an uneducated mother used lazily when answering her child's question, she may have said the same thing to her two younger brothers.
You said you were going to run away from home, your mother hugged you and cried, this is her true emotion, you are not a tool, you are the second granddaughter in your grandfather's place, but in your mother's place, you are the eldest daughter she cares about.
Your grandfather said that you have to help your sister, to support your brother, this entrustment, I think is also a common action of the elders, when the grandfather talks to the sister, I am afraid that I will also entrust her, let her worry more about the sister, and the younger brother will say to listen to the words of the two sisters.
Your sister-in-law's words are the stupid words of the old woman in the lack of virtue to tease the children, and many people say this not that she hopes that the child will collapse in his heart, she just hopes to see that you are very concerned and anxious, which is low-level fun. As for your second cousin, don't be envious, she has such a mother, only afraid that the future family relationship is not so good.
Your father wants you to go back to spend time with Grandpa and let Grandpa enjoy the joys of the world, and I think he has an element of escape— he didn't get support in that family, he listened to a lot of harsh words, he didn't want to go back, he thought the family might be kind to you, but it wasn't.
The sense of morality is strong, and the sense of intimacy is gone.
There's nothing immoral about remarriage, and a man willing to turn back and live a good life with a woman, I think is very reasonable and blameless.
The above passage can be said to be spoken to your uncle.
Remarried families have a lower divorce rate, according to analysis, because both parties take marriage more seriously
You will start your own family in the future, you will have marriage, you will find your lover, you will have your own children.
People first have to take care of themselves, then their spouses, parents and children, and then they have relatives such as grandparents and uncles.
You now have your own job, financial independence, no need to look at your uncle's face, then you don't have to do emotional bonding, filial piety tools, no need to spend too much time in your father's original family.
Guard your mom, she needs the three of you the most, and cares about the three of you the most, followed by the father who is in a state of escape, the others -
Love it.
The above sentence can be said to the two younger brothers.
I wish you good health and peace.
Too good