I have wine and tea, and if you have a story, come to me.
Click "Follow" above, and you are my person.
The Watchman in the Rye: "Remember what to remember, forget what to forget." What can be changed can be changed, what is acceptable cannot be changed. ”
This sentence is about an attitude towards life, which is related to the two aspects of "no competition" and "peace with the encounter".
No one's life is smooth sailing, more or less will stumble, there will be regrets, there will be regrets, there will be unwillingness. If these things are remembered and chewed repeatedly, they will bring pain to themselves; at the same time, because a mistake leads to a certain ending, they should accept reality if they cannot change it.
People who do not have these realizations, the older you are, the more painful it is, because you will always live in the past, live in negative emotions, the more you compete, the more powerless you are, and eventually you will only usher in the loneliness of "old and helpless".
The following reader says that her father has such a problem, let's take a look at what is going on.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
I just wanted my dad to remarry in the first few years of my mom's death. Later, I figured it out, and I felt that my father was not easy, and several children could not always be by his side with him, although they could take turns to take care of him and take him to live at home, but in the end they did not have the freedom to have a home for himself.
He was more stubborn than me, saying that he would not remarry again, and he felt so sorry for my mother.
I respected his wishes, and had our brothers and sisters take care of him anyway, so that he would not be left alone.
Later, he met a person from the Internet, gradually developed feelings, and knew that he was sure to marry each other before telling us.
In my opinion, it is good that he remarries, but the premise must be to find someone reliable. And the person he chose, in the eyes of several of our children, was obviously unreliable, because they were just chatting and had not yet met. The other person means not to meet with us, but to marry my dad secretly.
Unfortunately, my father's mind could not turn around, and no matter how much we persuaded him, he was still reluctant to admit that the other party had deceived him. Even the more we objected, the more excited he became: "Your mother has been gone for ten years, why don't you let me remarry?" ”
I told him, "It's okay to remarry, but there are two things to meet: First, you have to be sure that the other person is a reliable person." Why do you think you know the person reliably? You haven't even seen her face, what evidence is there to prove that she is reliable? Second, if you marry someone who is reliable, we will take care of both of you without complaint or regret; but if you marry someone who is unreliable, how can we take care of her? Are you going to fall out with us because of her? It's not me scaring you, if you're being deceived, how will you face our brothers and sisters? ”
He showed weakness and compromised, saying that he would not impulsively remarry. But that's not what he thinks in his heart, he's like a little kid who has to gamble to prove it to us, thinking that he's going to take a happy marriage and ask us for credit.
He failed, and on the day he agreed to meet with the other party, the other party only guided him step by step to transfer money, and never showed up. In the end, the man's wealth was empty, and the other person disappeared from his world out of thin air.
We are his retreat, and when he has nowhere to go, he can only come back to us and tell the experience of being deceived.
Although the loss of money is not much, for him, it is not only the money that is lost, but also his face. Even if we reassure him that he is okay and make up money for him, he is still not happy, and he always feels like a sinner.
He did not dare to express his heart in front of us, and only when he was in front of his friends did he say what he wanted: "Only when the old man has nothing to rely on will he understand: Sooner or later, those who are not safe in the late festival will be punished." Although several of my children did not ignore me, I felt particularly sorry for them, they had advised me, but I was determined to do it. Although I have some dependence in my life, I have lost my dependence mentally, which is very uncomfortable. ”
After hearing others relay these words to us, several of us persuaded him, but to no avail. I don't know if it's because our method is wrong, do you have any good suggestions?
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
Good advice is for several children to find him an old partner together, because this is a role between his "children" and "friends", he fell on the issue of "remarriage", should let him stand up on this issue.
When the trustee introduced him to the object, he did not have to hide it, but should tell the truth, saying that he had been deceived because he was in a hurry to remarry. If the other party does not mind this fact, if he can see it, he can play a role in enlightening him.
The same sentence, the same truth, different people say the effect is not the same. Some people will listen to what they say, and you will take it as the truth; and if the same words come out of the mouths of others, you will dismiss them and tell the truth in this regard.
For example, the sentence we mentioned at the beginning, remember what should be remembered, and accept what cannot be changed. When his children told him such a truth, he could not listen to it, because he was not a peer; his friend told him such a truth, although he was a peer, but others ran away after saying it, and there was no way to implement it with him; only the role of "wife" told him this truth and implemented it with him, could he really be relieved.
For people who do not know how to comfort themselves, they should let external forces intervene; and for those who can comfort themselves, when life is not going well, they should comfort themselves, do not chew on their memories repeatedly, do not cling to changing things that cannot be changed, no matter what you have experienced, to the present step, it is the best way out.