The face of the child is our dignity.
Author: Bay + Thousand Flowers
Parents Research Institute (ID: mama_cn) original debut
Not long ago, on Zhihu brushed a Q&A recalling the Moment of the New Year:
What are some Of the New Year's Eve scenes that you remember when you were a child?
I thought it would be full of warmth and love, but I didn't expect Gao Zan's answer to be:
"When I was asked about my grades by relatives in the New Year, because I didn't do well in the exam, my mother scolded me in front of so many people, I was lazy in reading, my brain was stupid, and I felt bad at that time."
A holiday that should have been filled with heart-warming memories, just because of a casual word from my mother, became a nightmare that I never wanted to experience again.
Many parents have always believed that "shame is known and then courageous";
But I don't know that children who know shame will not necessarily be brave, but they will gradually lose their "self-esteem" in shame and become the indisputable appearance of their parents.
And parents may have won face, but they have really lost their children.
01
Publicly exposed, excessively humble
Parents' "modesty" becomes a sharp blade that stabs the child
The neighbor's Xiaowen is a typical "other person's child", not only has excellent grades, singing and dancing are more handy, and it is rare to learn and never have to worry about parents.
Such a child, the New Year is naturally the best example for relatives and neighbors to educate children, but xiaowen, who can be used as a benchmark, never sees a little childlike joy when receiving praise, but always carries a hint of shame.
Because whenever she hears everyone's praise, Xiaowen's mother will be modest again and again: "Where there is, it will be learned, too lazy to die, such a big person, even the socks can not be washed ..."
In the laughter of the crowd, the mother's face was proud, but Xiao Wen's face was full of embarrassment.
In fact, as a parent, when you hear the praise of your child, you are obviously proud in your heart, but your mouth will unconsciously begin to demean your child, and even take the child's shortcomings as a pastime.
And the child's feelings are not important because they have to be sensible.
In "The Boy Says", there is a girl who uses "reverse education" to make her father feel the fear of being dominated.
Wei Shan was forced to learn various specialties since she was a child, and her parents especially liked to let her perform in front of everyone.
At a family gathering, Dad told a friend that Wei Shan sang very well and encouraged Wei Shan to sing a song on the spot.
When Wei Shan finished performing, she was complained by her father that "singing is out of tune, the five tones are incomplete", and he has not inherited his natural sound at all.
When she talked about this experience, Wei Shan's face was bitter, and then she issued an invitation to her father on the stage:
"Dad, today I invited my friend, you sing a song live, or you sing a song live, for everyone to hear?"
The dad in the audience immediately panicked, shook his head and said three times "I really can't sing", and then looked for various reasons, no accompaniment, no lyrics, no mobile phone signal.
The embarrassment of being forced to perform in public can only be known to parents when they are in it.
In fact, what makes Wei Shan sad is not that she is forced to perform, but her father's comments on her "incomplete five tones".
Psychological research states: "The most negative emotion of human beings is neither grief nor anger, but shame." ”
The unintentional "modesty" of parents is very likely to make children fall into the shame of having no place to self-tolerance.
And the words that parents blurt out and publicly humiliate become the dagger that pierces into the child's heart.
02
Want to destroy ta
Belittl him in public
Zheng Yuanjie, the king of fairy tales, once said:
If you want to destroy a child, you will expose his ugliness in public, damage him in front of outsiders, degrade him, and make him have no place for himself.
Song Dandan once took his son Batuu on a variety show together.
In the show, no matter what Batuu does, Song Dandan can spit it out.
Batuu had never done farm work, and seemed a little clumsy, and Song Dandan said, "I gave birth to a waste, I can't do anything, you look at people, I want to change my son." ”
Batuu's toes became inflamed, and Song Dandan laughed mercilessly: "You nibbled it." After saying that, he smiled and asked his son to perform a performance for the other guests.
Seeing that others were busy, Batuu took the initiative to ask for a chicken nest, but before he could start, Song Dandan immediately laughed: If I can set it up, I really am not a. ”
In the time that should have been warm together, Song Dandan constantly taunted his son, and Batuu was also frustrated, so nervous that he couldn't even put his hands.
As the netizen said: he didn't know what he should do at all, and in his mother's eyes, he didn't do anything right.
In fact, everyone knows that Song Dandan's ridicule of his son is not half malicious, and even adjusts the atmosphere, but this kind of joke-like humiliation makes the child feel embarrassed and embarrassed by others.
Batuu, who is an adult, is still overwhelmed by his mother's ridicule, let alone a child who is not yet physically and mentally mature?
Psychologist Susan Foward wrote in "Poisoned Parents" that children do not distinguish between facts and digestion, they will believe what their parents say about themselves and turn it into their own ideas.
Perhaps the child's inadequacy is just the shortcomings found by the parents "picking the bones in the egg", but in the long run, it is very likely to make self-humility become a reality.
The reason why parents do not realize this is that in the final analysis, they still think that children have no shame, even if it is ridicule.
But it is this misunderstanding that deeply hurts the child and closes the door that the child's heart is open to the parents.
Imagine that when relatives gather together in the New Year, others are praising your cooking skills, but the child comes in front of everyone:
"My mother can also cook and take a shot, the performance in the unit is not as good as colleagues, even the smart phone can not understand, is a yellow-faced woman."
As a parent, when you hear such words, you must feel uncomfortable in your heart, and the same is true for children in the face of similar ridicule.
Because no one likes to be ridiculed, it is not "modest" to make children feel uncomfortable in public.
Children who are ridiculed and exposed in public will feel ashamed of themselves.
This kind of mocking parenting style of parenting has published the results of its impact on children in the Journal of Adolescents and Youth:
This can lead to a breakdown in the management of anger in adolescents and a weakening of their sense of self-identity.
Only when parents give their children face and let their children get a sense of identity, they have more confidence to progress, which is the most effective humility of parents.
03
The face of the child is our dignity
From a psychological point of view, a child's self-esteem begins to sprout from infancy.
Every child's self-esteem is a line of defense for growth, but also a bottom line for self-protection, so as parents who love their children, we must know how to maintain their children's self-esteem and save enough face for their children.
1. Do not teach your son in front of others
I once watched such a news, in order to prove to the teacher that he disciplined the child, the father directly gave his daughter two slaps, and also took a video and sent it to the class group.
The reason for all this is only because the teacher mentioned the child's recent class and small actions when communicating with the child's father that day.
I really dare not imagine that the video of violent discipline of children is made public, where is the face of the child, and how should I face the eyes of teachers and classmates when I return to school?
Teaching children in public is as if to tell everyone: The child does not blame me for doing wrong, blame himself.
As everyone knows, the more the child feels embarrassed, the more the child cannot truly realize his mistakes, and will only imprint the humiliation of this moment in his heart and can no longer erase it.
Every child will make mistakes, instead of educating in front of everyone, it is better to analyze with the child behind closed doors and find out the problem, which not only protects the child's self-esteem, but also achieves the purpose of education.
2. Do not ask your child about your test scores
What children are most afraid of hearing in the New Year is "how many points have you scored in the test", "Have you come back with the award certificate", "How many points have you taken the test?"
Children who do well on the test are worried that there are better, and children who do not do well may be used as negative teaching materials.
Experts say that all along, we have overlooked the fact that test scores are a child's privacy.
When privacy is made public, or even compared to a child by an elder, he remembers not the teachings of his parents, but the pain and humiliation.
Why don't you smile and say to your relatives: "Don't ask my children about their grades in the New Year, you can change the way you ask, have you worked hard this semester?" ”
3. Do not compare children
In the book "Kids, Challenges", it is written:
In fact, there is obvious competition in most families, especially between the eldest and the second, who stimulate each other to develop in the opposite direction.
In fact, this phenomenon is applied to two unrelated children, such as the "other person's child" that we call it.
Children will be discouraged to assign the field of contrast to the good opponent and choose the opposite direction themselves.
Smart parents will never compare their children, but will only appreciate the shining points of their children, encourage their children, and let their children have a strong heart to face the storms in life.
04
Psychology expert Dr. Dubson said:
There are thousands of ways to make a child lose self-esteem, but rebuilding self-esteem for a child is a slow and difficult process.
Don't let "New Year's" become a child's nightmare.
True self-humility is to face praise calmly, without asking for credit or making noise.
Let the child's efforts be praised;
Let the child's efforts be recognized.
On the reunion day, everyone praised "good results", "singing sticks", "having skills"...
Such Spring Festival memories are more worthy of children's memories and memories for a lifetime.
-END-
Parents Research Institute (ID: mama_cn), research on new knowledge of family education for 1-6 years old, is the mother's educational notes, is the father's baby guide, is the child's growth energy station. Please contact the Parents Institute for reproduction. Author: Bay + Thousand Flowers.
Editing in this issue: Chestnuts