The title of parent, in the eyes of the world, often means protection, care, selfless dedication, always with its own divine brilliance. There is a saying in the Book of Verses: "The one who is a tatees is a lotus, and the one who is a bandit is artemisia." Mourn your parents, give birth to me. Tateshina, Bandit Yiwei. Mourn your parents, give birth to me. ”
But man is complex and cannot be generalized. Not all men and women, after taking the name of their parents, automatically acquire the ability to resist selfish instincts. In reality, some parents not only never make plans for their children, but intentionally or unintentionally bring harm to their children.
If a parent makes a mistake and causes harm to the child, should the child forgive them? There is no unified answer to this question, there are big and small mistakes, different parents, their own attitudes are also different, these will have an impact.
American psychologist Bandura believes that people's learning activities are mainly imitation activities that use the observation of others' behavior in specific situations, examination of the reinforcement accepted by others, and the demonstration of others as a medium. And when we grow up, the behavior of our parents is the most likely to be imitated by us.
Throughout the process of growing up, children will regard their parents as perfect idols and imitators, tacitly acknowledging that what they do is correct. But as children's sense of self develops and they are exposed to a broader society, they form their own set of moral standards and learn to judge the right and wrong of their actions. At this time, in the eyes of parents, their children are hardened with wings and learn to "bump".
Many parents cannot accept this transformation, or rather, are unwilling to accept it. In the traditional family, it follows the absolute "filial piety" and respects the "parents who are all under the world". However, "no one is a sage, no one can be blameless", even if you are a parent, you cannot avoid making mistakes.
In the face of their own mistakes, some parents can conduct self-reflection and communicate with their children on an equal footing; while some parents not only do not take their faults seriously, but also in turn morally kidnap and accuse their children with a lofty attitude.
Although there is a gap between parents and children, they are equal in personality. Between the elders and the juniors, there should be opportunities to correct each other and improve each other.
In the case of parents making small mistakes, if they can realize their mistakes and apologize to the wronged children in a timely and sincere manner, such a family mode of getting along is healthy, and such parents can also set a correct example for their children.
Such an approach will not only not reduce the majesty of parents, but also allow children to respect their parents from the bottom of their hearts. If parents make some mistakes in their daily lives and refuse to admit their mistakes because of their face, we, as children, should also learn to tolerate and understand. After all, parents are also first-time parents, and some bad things are always inevitable.
However, inclusion does not mean accommodation without a bottom line. Psychologists generally believe that if the actions of our parents have caused us so much harm that the wounds of this childhood ulcer will be painful from time to time in the days to come, in this case the child has the right not to forgive the parents.
In real life, there is always some people standing on the moral high ground to judge others. When a hurt child says that he can never forgive his parents, his relatives, even unrelated strangers, will label him "unfilial", criticize him, and even criticize him.
But you are not a victim, you have not experienced the pain and suffering he has endured, so why do you think that you have the power to easily make conclusions to others?
Take the recent Liu Xuezhou incident, his parents sold him for money when he was very young, and in his growth process, he was also filled with the unbearable reality of being bullied, being snubbed, and being harassed.
When he grew up and found his biological parents, they not only did not apologize and regret for selling Liu Xuezhou's selfishness and ruthlessness before, but further continued to hurt, they were afraid that Liu Xuezhou would affect the families they formed after divorce, afraid that Liu Xuezhou would become their financial burden, so they blamed him and regarded him as a plague.
After some network reports distorted and added fuel to the fire, this matter became Liu Xuezhou's search for relatives in order to ask for money from his biological parents, so that Liu Xuezhou suffered groundless accusations and insults. It is clear that it is the selfish and ruthless biological parents who are wrong from beginning to end, but they want a child who has been abandoned since childhood to bear all the blame.
And those who criticize Liu Xuezhou, have you ever experienced being abandoned by your parents since childhood? Have you experienced the restlessness of life without a place to rely on? If not, how do you turn your back on your conscience to have the courage to stand on the moral high ground and accuse others?
For the mistakes made by their parents, Liu Xuezhou said this: "They just did wrong, some mistakes can be forgiven, and some mistakes can never be forgiven." "Even parents can make unforgivable mistakes against their children. Not because they have the name of "parent", because the germ cells they contribute can hurt the child without blame.
Parents are great, no one denies it, but not all parents are great. Parents will almost love their children in every way, but some parents will treat their children as slaves, and some parents will treat their children as cash cows. The vast majority of parents will not abandon their children, but there are also parents who do.
Some people may think that between parents and children, blood is thicker than water, and children do not forgive their parents, they cannot escape the fact of this blood relationship, but it is better to try to forgive and let themselves go.
However, is forgiving parents for the unforgivable mistakes they make really a kind of letting go of yourself? I'm afraid not.
To forgive their mistakes, from an individual point of view, is to acquiesce that everything they have endured in the past is their own deserving, and it is also to leave them with opportunities to continue to hurt themselves in the future. This will not only cause the individual to become cognitively dissonant and become more gloomy and inferior, but it will also condone the bad guys to continue to do evil. The bad guys do evil without knowing it, but the victim's heart and personality gradually fall apart.
Parents make mistakes, children have the right not to forgive, and they should not be called "filial piety" for this. If the harm caused by a parent to a child completely masks the joy he feels when he comes into this world, how can he be grateful for his parenting grace and not hate his parents?
If one day, he lets go and doesn't hate, maybe it's just that he finally made up his mind to say goodbye to the time he came and spend the rest of his life strongly.