On January 24, 2022, a news about the Liu Xuezhou incident was on the hot search, and people began to care about the beginning and end of this matter, and also felt heartache for the boy.
When many teenage peers quarreled with their parents, Liu Xuezhou did not even have a place to live, he longed to recognize his biological parents, but only got a more cruel truth, his father, when Liu Xuezhou was just born, sold him, and used the money from the sale of Liu Xuezhou to marry his wife. So when Liu Xuezhou found them and prepared to recognize their relatives, they just blacked out Liu Xuezhou fiercely.
Liu Xuezhou also committed suicide after being disappointed in life again and again.
Why does Liu Xuezhou's story attract the attention of so many people? Because he lets us see how deeply the original family hurts a person, and what kind of end a child who has not received enough love from childhood will eventually lead.
"Native family" has always been a hot topic in recent years, but in fact, most people have no way to have a very happy native family. We will more or less suffer some hurts in the process of growing up, and these injuries will also become obstacles to our relationship with others in the process of the future.
Such as insecurity, social disorders, low self-esteem, sensitivity, lack of responsibility...
The cultivation of these bad behaviors depends on our growth experience, but our childhood has passed, it is impossible to repeat it again, so is there a way to cure our childhood?
Some time ago, I read a psychological book "Secondary Growth" and found the answer to this question, just like the title, the focus of this book is to give yourself a chance to repair adult personality.
The book summarizes the 0-18 years old into 5 stages, using 19 method tools to solve 17 kinds of deficiencies in our hearts. Let us have the opportunity to re-witness our own growth process and identify the inner defects to make up for them.
This knowledge can help adults to improve the regrets of early growth, but also help parents who have no educational experience to realize that in the process of educating children, every stage of the process of providing them with help.
Before the child is one year old, parents should provide them with a sense of security as much as possible, and when they cry, they should be comforted in time. Otherwise, it may cause a lack of security in children, which is also the reason why many people lack security in adulthood.
Between the age of 1-3, there will be a very strong desire to explore, may make some damage, at this time parents must learn to deal with it properly, if only with a negative or questioning way to deal with. It is very likely to cause children to lack of assertiveness and self-doubt in their future growth.
When children are 4 to 5 years old, they begin to gradually form their own values, and it is also at this stage that they gradually have self-esteem, responsibility and guilt. Many children who lack self-esteem in adulthood do not handle their relationships with their parents well at this stage. They are particularly concerned about what others say about themselves and are unable to look at themselves and others objectively.
When you achieve a little, you are complacent, look down on the people around you, and once you are frustrated and feel inferior, it is difficult to enter a state of equality with others. Children with a lack of self-esteem are also very prone to falling into helplessness patterns, and many young children now feel that their self-esteem is attached to success.
For example, my values are directly related to whether I have good grades, I am the best if I have good grades, and I am useless without good grades. But these external things do not bring real happiness to the child.
In addition to dissecting the role of each stage, the authors also provide effective solutions to some of the deficiencies we have developed in the process of growing up, and call it a toolbox.
For example, for the question of "self-doubt", the author mentions the use of "doubt your doubts." "This approach can be solved.
Step 1: Express doubts
In this process, you can pour out all the ideas that are hovering in your head through words or words, so that we can clearly see our inner thoughts.
Step 2: Interrupt the ceremony
When you express your inner doubts, you need to perform a ritual of interruption, and if you are writing in a book, then tell yourself that it is time to stop.
Step 3: Express doubt about doubt
At this stage, we can also express ourselves in both language and writing, but it should be noted that at this stage we can only write questions about previous doubts, and nothing else can be presented.
For example, when I was preparing for the Level 4 exam, I fell into a state of self-doubt, and I felt that time was short, and I might not be able to prepare for the exam no matter how much I prepared. That's my suspicion.
And after I poured out my doubts, I had to tell myself that it was time to end it, that I should think of a way to solve it.
In stage 3 I would tell myself that I had been preparing for the Level 3 exam and that I had no confidence in myself, but in the end I passed, so I doubted that it did not represent the outcome.
In this process, what we have to do is not to build up how strong self-confidence we are, but to neutralize self-doubt by "doubting your doubts."
There are 19 tools like this in this book, and they all seem very simple, but they are particularly practical to use.
When I first saw the book "Second Growth", I was attracted by its title, because I knew that there were many flaws in my body, such as social fear, not being good at words...
After reading the whole book, I seem to have found the answers to these questions, and what makes me even more pleased is that the author of the book expounds a point of view, there is no perfect original family in this world, and everyone has certain defects in the process of growing up, but the degree of this defect is different.
Just like many people's original families, parents will quarrel and deny the child's achievements, such behavior will indeed make the child have certain defects in the future growth process. But such flaws are not fatal, and they can also have relationships.
But some children's families of origin are particularly unfortunate and have wreaked havoc on their bodies and minds. So much so that they can't self-heal through self-regulation, and thus go to extremes.
The book "Second Growth" differs from other books in that it is not particularly obscure and difficult to understand like other psychology books, but simple and clear. One psychological theory after another was taken apart and crushed. Interpret it in the vernacular language and write the corresponding solution to each problem. While these methods don't guarantee 100% help you solve the problem, they can at least provide you with a direction.
I also hope that more people will read the book "Second Growth", which may bring you a different experience.