Building a sense of security is a process
When we talk about security, we're actually talking about our relationships with others, and our relationships with ourselves.
In swaddling children, the sense of security comes more from the satisfaction of physiological needs. It helps him build his initial trust in the world — it's safe here, and my feelings are known.
Preschoolers, the sense of security comes more from the inner feelings of being seen and named. It helps him confirm his inner experience – I have so many emotions that I am real and worthy of being loved.
In adolescent children, security comes more from the experience of relationships. This boosts his independence and confidence in life – parents are trustworthy, I am capable and respected.
Here, we're going to talk about how to help adolescent children build a sense of security.
Give your child space
Do you allow children to lock the door?
Many parents will say that the child is unconscious, if he does not stare at him, the ghost knows what he is doing? It's not playing games online or reading novels, and you won't write your homework well anyway.
So, after your child has done his homework and all the electronics are taken to the living room, will you allow your child to lock the door? Or, when your child comes home with a bad look and shuts himself in the room, how long can you bear not knocking on the door?
Outside the door we fidgeted: What were they doing inside? We can't stand all kinds of nonsensical thoughts popping up in our heads, and no matter what kind of situation it is, it will not be pleasant. In addition to our worries, we also have the anger of rejection, abandonment, and the anxiety of getting out of control.
Let's switch the camera to the room. The child is in the room, or lying in a daze, thinking about their careful thoughts, or crying and cursing the person who hurt him, or writing and painting to express his emotions, or doing what he likes happily... Either way, children are trying to spend time that is their own. He was also telling us: don't worry about me, don't bother me, I want to be alone for a while.
What we have to do is to give the child the space to face himself alone: academic competition during the day, pressure in interpersonal relationships, and dreams at night, unspeakable thoughts, and even more bizarre fantasies... It takes time to digest and sort out. Allowing a child to have a "secret" is a respect for the best for the child.
This is also the time when our patience is most tested. Patience at this moment is not a long-term teaching, nor is it chasing and asking "what's wrong with you", but waiting with peace of mind, waiting for the child to open the door and say, "Mom, I am hungry"
Adolescent children oscillate between independence and dependence. They both need to distance themselves from us and desire to be respected like adults, but they also coddle with us and continue to enjoy the privilege of being children. If we can match the rhythm of the child and let the child control the distance of the relationship with us, it will give the child the greatest sense of security: when we push us away, we do not disappear; when we are close to us, we are always there.
Give yourself confidence
Adolescent children are more autonomous than rebellious. Autonomy is not something that arises only in adolescence, it is born with self-awareness. But by adolescence, autonomy is more intense, and there is an urgent need to expand into more and broader areas. When children's experience and abilities are not enough to support their explosive autonomy, their conflict with us will be inevitable.
On the other hand, due to physiological reasons, the child's emotions will also fluctuate very violently, and when something that is eager to move in the depths of the heart erupts, it will not stop easily, but like a waterfall, it will fall for thousands of miles. Children in this state are experiencing uncontrollable fears in their hearts. The adults' strong stop is to press the pause button for them. The child will still rebel against us, but inside he will breathe a sigh of relief. For example, children who are in high emotions and committing violent acts, under the forcible suppression of adults, although they will fiercely resist and even speak harshly to adults, they will also show a relaxed look.
Adolescent children are also prone to acting desperate and see this as bravery and maturity. For example, some children will compete to compare various methods of self-harm to show their bravery; others will try to find a part-time job as a model to prove that they have grown up. At this time, seriously stop their behavior and tell them that it is not brave to never win eyeballs by hurting themselves; and never step into a hidden dangerous situation and rush to play the role of an adult, not mature.
Adolescent children need to provide us with a solid "protection" so that they will not cause irreparable situations due to impulsiveness and believe that they can get through it. This "protection" is embodied in an unwavering and stern gesture. The so-called democracy and freedom for children cannot be an excuse for indulgence and laissez-faire. We must dare to discipline our children.
Let go of your child and let them develop themselves
There is no stage in life like adolescence, eager to make friends and care about themselves in the eyes of friends. Children are brought together by a variety of subtle and varied standards to form formal and informal groups, large and small. Identity in the group helps children to develop and connect with each other in many aspects of personality, so that the personality is rich and complete.
Not only that, the sense of belonging and identity that children gain in the group can help children temporarily escape the difficulties that they cannot cope with in life to alleviate stress, such as family changes such as parental divorce. In general, groups can help young people smoothly through the transition period of gradual separation from their families and towards society. We need to understand what peers and groups mean to children, let go of children, support and encourage them to interact with others, and participate in various group activities.
But letting go is not the same as letting go. Because groups also make children susceptible to impulsive emotions and behaviors that are less likely to occur when they leave the group or a person. Therefore, we need to pay close attention to what kind of group the child is participating in. Especially when it is found that the child has joined some complex, malicious or "tough" group, we must help the child get out of the way in time.
The relationship between parents is the soil for children's sense of security
Children will rebel against us, challenge us, and secretly observe and imitate us. The relationship between husband and wife, to be precise, is the relationship between parents in the eyes of children, which affects the establishment of their sense of security. No matter what state of marriage the adult is in, the relationship between the child and the parent is inseparable, even if it is a widowed family, the relationship established by one of the parents and the deceased other in the heart will also affect the establishment of the child's sense of security. That is, the quality of the relationship determines the intensity of a person's sense of security.
This relationship also includes our relationship with ourselves. For example, whether we believe in life, whether we have expectations, whether we have confidence in our own lives, do not be harsh on ourselves, do not harsh on others... In this way, under a larger scale, the state is stable, and our sense of security is higher, then, the child's sense of security will not be too much of a problem.
Cheng Huan: Engaged in education for nearly 20 years, he is a national second-level psychological counselor and mental health lecturer.
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Author UM Psychology, article reprinted from Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, nearly 2000 original parent-child/gender/personal growth psychological articles, psychoanalytic learning, 7 years of companionship, less inner conflict, more spiritual freedom.
