In order to provide parents with special family education guidance during special periods, the All-China Women's Federation has launched the "Special Tutors in Special Periods" WeChat column, where parents can learn family education knowledge through family education micro-lessons.
Parental Love Begins with Really Seeing Children (Special Tutor 896)
Yesterday a student chatted with me. He asked me, "Teacher, do you know what is the most memorable place about you?" Puzzled, I asked him what it was. He said, "You can see us." ”
I listened and was shocked. When I got along with them day and night, I thought he would say something serious and responsible, help him, encourage him, etc., but I didn't expect him to say such a philosophical and touching three words, "See me."
Psychological counselor Wu Zhihong once said: "Everyone comes into this world to live out for yourself, and when you can be seen, your true self will be illuminated, and you will naturally become better." ”
The desire to be seen is the truest psychological need of everyone.
We need to be a parent who learns to see his child, not only to see the child's tangible body, but also to have invisible needs.
See the presence of the child
Yesterday I was busy writing a book manuscript, and my two-year-old daughter was reading a picture book next to herself, and after reading it for a while, she shouted for me to accompany me.
I was thinking about writing a book manuscript, and I was a little uninvolved when I read the picture book to her, and I paused when I read it, or I read it wrong.
After appearing like this two or three times, the daughter protested loudly with a cry: "Mom! ”
Such a small person already has a sense of frustration after being perfunctory. Learned to express my dissatisfaction with being ignored.
She needs a mother who is engrossed, not a mother whose body is with her but who cannot see her presence in her eyes.
When I put down my work and seriously accompanied her to read, the child quickly regained her composure and enjoyed the beauty of reading with her mother happily.
Another little thing that sparked thought: The last time my son told his husband a joke he heard at school to see if his father would laugh. The son said it again, and the husband did not respond, so he said it again. Unexpectedly, the husband said that he did not listen carefully just now, let me talk again. The son exhaled and said, "You don't listen, you don't talk!" ”
From these two small things, I think, as a parent, the first thing to realize is that children need a sense of existence.
When accompanying children, we must accompany our hearts, put down our mobile phones, put down our work, and be a parent who only has children in her eyes.
If we ignore the needs of the child who wants to be seen again and again, the more times, the child will slowly come out of our field of vision, and when we want to see him, I am afraid that he is no longer willing or needed.
See the child's efforts
American psychologist James said: The most essential desire of human beings is affirmed.
A child's most ardent need is that parents see their efforts and affirm themselves.
I have read an article about the actor Wang Ou, which said that Wang Ou lived a life under the fence when he was a child.
She has been working hard and wants to get her parents' approval. Once, in a video with her mother and her half-sister, my mother praised her sister in the video, but did not praise her a word.
She wasn't in the mood to video again, put down her phone and started crying.
After crying, she wrote down her feelings: "Isn't my existence worth your attention?" "If I don't say it, does that mean I'm really okay?" "I want to be your pride, but you have never been proud of me."
Children without umbrellas tend to run harder. He may not care about the rain when he runs, but he longs for his parents to affirm his courage to brave the rain.
The reason why this student said yesterday that I could see them may be because of some small measures of mine.
A very shy child, rarely actively answering questions in class, one day, she suddenly took the stage to explain math problems to everyone. I will praise it in front of everyone;
A child with poor behavior habits and many small problems, after a period of self-restraint and progress, I will affirm him with appreciation;
An introverted but down-to-earth kid, I never skimp on my praise when he worked hard for his class.
When their efforts are seen, the child has the strength to move on. When we can see the progress of children in our eyes, we will not only gain the closer distance between parents and children, but also the influence on children's psychology.
As teacher Li Meijin said, a child's emotional dependence on his parents is the psychological capital for his upbringing.
See the helplessness of your child
The student's words remind me of Lu Dawson, an Internet celebrity photographer who committed suicide a few days ago. In his suicide note, he talked about his situation in middle school: "In the face of a new environment and a new group, where should my uneasiness be placed, and how should I integrate into a new group?" No one ever cared. ”
Faced with an isolated and helpless heart in an unfamiliar environment, parents never noticed. A child who has been grossly neglected of the spiritual world is mostly a tragedy.
For the child, he may not care whether the family has money or whether the parents are high-ranking officials or executives. What he cared about was whether there was a pair of hands holding him in time when he needed help the most. This gentle pull may warm the child's life.
In high school, I transferred to a nearby county, and that was the first time I went to study farther away from home. Dad gave me check-in and left.
In this strange campus, as a transfer student, I have no familiar people, and I don't know where to go after checking in, so I sit alone in the dormitory and stare at the wall in a daze, feeling lonely and desolate inside. I wrote down my feelings at that time in my diary. After the college entrance examination, my father accidentally saw my diary and told me that he did not think that I would have such a psychological journey.
When I reported to college, my father sent me. After completing the enrollment formalities, Dad returned home.
Unexpectedly, when I was preparing to eat at night, my father called and said that he had returned to the station, afraid that I would not adapt, and would go back the next day after staying here for one night.
My heart was warm, and the uneasiness of arriving in a strange city suddenly disappeared.
The feeling of helplessness in my heart was seen by my father. This warmth of attentive attention has always been with me.
Teacher Wu Zhihong said: Feeling seen is the best treatment.
Parents who spend every day with their children may not necessarily see their children. Only by looking at the parents of the child with both the eyes and the heart can the child really see the child.
Author | Dan heart, parents grow, children upwards. Pay attention to "teach and nurture and grow", and learn to be a parent together.
Source: Teach Bar Breed Bar Grow
Image source: Photo.com