Recently, there was such a news. A father who graduated with a Ph.D. often taught middle school and college to a pair of children who had just entered elementary school. It contained literature and advanced mathematics, which their father forced them to study late into the night. As long as the child makes him dissatisfied, he will abuse and beat the child. The wife persuaded many times, and in desperation, she applied to the court for a habeas corpus.
As soon as the news came out, many netizens were condemning the father: this father is too vain, too self-centered, which will leave a great shadow on the child, and it is difficult to say whether it is a mental health person in the future; many parents never know that "chicken baby" is not as good as "chicken themselves"; what is the use of "roll" at the starting line, driving the child crazy is counterproductive... Oh, yes! When the father does this, he presumably does not want his child to fall behind, but "violates" the child's growth law, but it will be extremely counterproductive. Child psychologist Piaget once said: In early childhood, the key to developing children's wisdom is to let children learn from play, and children grow up in constant choice and exploration. However, many parents are good at forcing their children, spending a lot of time from the age of three or four to let them "learn things". It is even believed that "as long as the child is not allowed to play, it is to win at the starting point", so it compresses the child's entertainment and sleep time, and "pushes" the child forward. In the eyes of parents, the more diligent the child, the better the future. As everyone knows, this kind of "chicken blood diligence" is easier to raise children.
01
"Diligence" measured by time will only crush the child
Professor Li Meijin once talked about one thing in an interview. Chatting with her daughter, she said: "Your generation is better than us, and you can learn a lot every day." The daughter's answer was very heartfelt: "You don't feel our pain, you have to sit until 5:30 every morning at 7:00, write your homework until 11:30 in the evening, even the weekend time is occupied by you, and this is not a day, but twelve years." "One sentence tells the heartache of countless children." You can't lose at the starting line" Phrase is imprinted on the child from the moment he is born. Many parents hold the spirit of "can't lose" and force their children to work hard. According to the data of "China Youth Studies", the number of children after 00 in extracurricular classes has increased significantly, and extracurricular tutoring is three times that of post-90s. With 17 hours of extracurricular study time per week, it ranks first in the world. For the sake of their children, parents will always use the excuse of "not working hard now, they will regret it later" to force their children to the point of "extreme diligence", so that children can keep turning like a small motor. It is under such education that children are slowly crushed. There was such a news on Weibo.
The boy was originally a bully, but had a pair of strong parents. After scoring 99.5 on the exam, he was criticized by his father for "how come it's only 99.5 points, and 0.5 points are eaten by you?" "Mom would assign him a lot of homework every day, and every day he completed the task late at night. He kept doing revisions, prep, and practice questions every day, and his life was occupied by learning. And he was successfully forced out of the problem by his parents. One day when his mother asked him to endorse it, he suddenly fell to the ground and convulsed. This condition occurs every time my mother mentions her homework, and she faints when she is severe. Later, the boy's symptoms were diagnosed with "dissociative disorder" (commonly known as "hysteria"). "If you want to make your child excellent, force him to work hard" this sentence is the biggest lie of education. Efforts that cannot win in quality will only allow children to carry the anxiety of their parents forward. Its harm will eventually manifest itself in the most horrific way.
02
The more anxious the parents are, the easier it is to breed the "inertia" of their children
There is a lady who said that "she is a failed mother". Her son, who went to high school, was rebellious some time ago, not only unwilling to go to school, but also addicted to online games all day. Children's problems are all traceable. The woman said she was very strong. When her son was in the first grade, she arrested him as a senior in high school and often forced him to do dictation practice until late at night. When writing homework, she would sit at her desk with a bench and watch, and whenever there was a slight mistake, she would reprimand her son severely. On several occasions when her son failed to pass the exam, she not only reprimanded him severely, but also called the class teacher and asked the teacher to assign him additional tasks. Slowly, my son's interest in learning became less and less. At first, she refused to write homework, and then she didn't want to go to school, no matter how much she persuaded or coerced, she just didn't want to study. The more a child is subject to outside supervision, the more rebellious psychology becomes. A psychology teacher once said: "For children before the age of 15, the important thing is to cultivate children's learning experience. "Sensibility is the switch that turns on the child's internal drive. But in education, many parents are forcing their children with "you must listen to me" method. It is these ways that make children resentful, destroying the child's internal drive, and when the child's stamina is gone, there will be coping, laziness, resistance, and boredom. From the perspective of child psychology: the long-term persecution of parents will give children a negative psychological hint, "I am not trusted, I am a useless person." When children have such cognitions, the sense of self-worth will decrease, and positive energy will be transformed into negative inertia. In such a vicious circle, even if parents spend ten times as much energy, it is difficult to have a three-point effect. Dr. Thomas Gordon, an American psychologist, said in the book "P.E.T. Parental Effectiveness Training: Awakening Children's Self-Discipline": Young people who know self-control often have a certain degree of freedom because they have the opportunity to make choices and decisions for themselves. Parents "violate" the principle of independence of the child, destroying the child's internal drive, and at the same time, inertia is born.
03
A good education begins with "seeing"
In "Chinese Teenager Stories", a ten-year-old boy attends various interest classes every week, including programming, calligraphy, fencing, drumming... He had a lot of fun learning every time. Later, from the mouth of the parents, I learned that these interest classes are all liked by boys, so the children have been insisting on learning.
Mom said to the boy: Mom and Dad hope that in the future, you can become a happy ordinary person, a person who can live a brilliant life even if you are in the ordinary. There is a primal dynamic in every child's life that stems from the "seeing" of the parents. It contains the respect, support and trust of parents, and transforms the love of parents into the internal driving force of children, so that he has a belief of "acting because I want to do it". American psychologists Desi and Ryan once proposed the "theory of self-determination", which believes that people need to have a positive organism and need to meet these three needs:
Sense of autonomy: I can choose what I want to do;
Sense of competence: I believe I can do it myself;
Sense of belonging: I have trusted people who care and support and can share with each other.
Only when the child's three senses are satisfied, the brain will maintain motivation.
1) Parents should "see" the child's needs and give him a sense of competence
Psychologist Robert White once pointed out that human beings have a basic need for competence, that is, to believe that they can effectively cope with the needs of the environment. To make a child have the determination to "want to do one thing", parents must give him a sense of respect and let him have a positive attitude of "I am not worse than others" before he is willing to do something. In the documentary "Zero Zero", the boy Chi Yiyang is a "bear child" in the eyes of his parents, but he is passionate about playing rugby. His parents decided to support him and sent him to a professional team for training. Later, Chi Yiyang offered to go to the United States to study rugby, and his parents learned English while training with him. With the support of his parents, Chi Yiyang successfully ran for the national team through his own efforts and became an excellent athlete.
Every child has something in mind that is pursued by the heart, and the support and trust of parents will pass on to the child a belief of "I believe you can do it". Such a state will constantly motivate the child's ability.
2) Let the child "control" himself and give him a sense of autonomy
The personality development theory proposed by American psychologist Like Eriksen believes that children need to develop a sense of autonomy, and if they do not develop well, they will deny themselves and thus produce self-doubt. In short, parents must try to give their children the opportunity to make their own decisions in order to cultivate his self-discipline. Last year, a girl named Wang Ningyun envied many parents because of the full score of 6 subjects in the middle school entrance examination. When it comes to his approach to education, his parents are very different. Her parents never enrolled her in any tutoring classes, and more often than not, they arranged her study and life by themselves, and their parents gave her enough choices. Wang Ningyun, who has "control", knows what he should do, so he is very good at managing his time. The more forbidden it is, the more the child wants it. Only by giving the child the opportunity to do things on his own will he have the passion to choose "what to do" and "what he wants to do". Know how to put yourself in the right position in the trade-offs.
3) Establish emotional connections to give children a sense of belonging
For children, the sense of belonging is not only an important emotion in the child's growth, but also an important factor in cultivating the child's "ability to love others". This means that parents must give their children emotional support, so that children feel accepted, so that they can find a sense of security. There was once a boy named Zhao Qichen, whose grades in his first year of high school were at the bottom of the class. However, he was admitted to Tsinghua University with the second grade in the whole school at the college entrance examination. Talking about his reversal, he said: "My mother never scolded me for my unsatisfactory grades; when I was confused, he always encouraged me, supported me, and gave me hugs. Parental support and affirmation, encouragement and trust are the best sense of belonging to children. It will make the child feel that "no matter what I do, my parents will always be behind me". There are three key factors to belonging: enough respect, enough companionship, and enough expression of love. Meet these needs of children, and children can feel full of happiness in the flow of love.
04
Good education is not about filling a bucket of water with a child.
Rather, it ignites a fire in his heart and allows it to open the child's inner drive
It needs to free the child's hands and mind, so that the child can fill the future with a fully free life, rather than becoming what we want. Education is to leave blank space for children in time and space. As the writer Chen Danqing said: The most important purpose of education is to induce people's creative power and awaken the sense of life and value. Once the child gets more trust and expectation, the inner motivation will be stimulated, and he will be smarter, more capable, and more understanding. Parents should use the vision of the future to break away from the present and provide value for their children; "resonate with the same frequency" with their children and heal their children's future with wisdom; build trust in their children and find the light source of life for their children.