Author:Monoplane (Rich Book Author)
"The original family is a person's greatest destiny."
This sentence should be heard by many readers.
I believe that there are many people who take this as the truth, including me.
Until recently, I saw a book called "You Fly Like a Bird to Your Mountain."
After reading this book, I have a new understanding of the "original family fatalism".
This is a true story from a girl.
The girl's name is Tara and she lives in an isolated place, Buckshorn Mountain.
She had an extremely authoritarian, paranoid father.
He was a fervent Mormon who believed that the contemporary government was reactionary and that the outside world was dangerous.
So he doesn't allow the children to be educated, he doesn't allow them to go to the hospital for treatment, and everything has to go according to the rules he has set.
The defenders of this rule include Tara's mother, a woman who is extremely obedient.
As a result, Tara did not step into school until she was 17 years old.
Tara was also subjected to domestic violence from his brother Sean, who shoved his sister's head into the toilet like garbage and dragged it up again, over and over again.
At the same time, the curse in his mouth continued:
"You whore!"
"You're a complete bitch."
But Tara's parents turned a blind eye to everything.
Growing up in such a family, Tara's future can be imagined.
The original family, that is, original sin?
Tara's native family, too bad it could not be worse.
What would you do if you were Tara?
A classmate gave such an answer: "Such a native family is a pool of mud, and Tara's life is destined to only rot and stink." Like me, without a good origin, no matter how hard you try, it is useless, it is better to lie flat. ”
After I listened, I suddenly felt a little sad.
I don't know since when, the original family seems to have become a universal excuse for some people.
At present, public opinion is emphasizing the importance of the original family, and there are many people who have suffered from the original family so far, resulting in the defects of their own personality.
This is undeniable.
However, we should not flood it and over-amplify the problem of the original family.
Now there are people who feel:
I didn't find a decent job because my birth family didn't have connections or connections;
I can't get into a good university because my original family didn't provide the best educational resources;
My marriage is not happy because the atmosphere of my original family is poor;
In The Courage to Be Hated, Adler proposes a term— the law of external causality.
This means interpreting things that do not have any causal relationship as if there were significant causalities.
In short, it doesn't have to be A that causes B. These people, the setbacks and unhappiness they encountered after they became adults, all of them were thrown on the heads of their original families.
The original family has become the best fig leaf for them to cover up their failures.
Toxic parents, poisoned children
These throwing words hurt children like Tara who have really suffered from the original family.
In "Native Family", these types of toxic parents are summarized in this way.
The first category is manipulative parents.
This is talking about over-manipulation, i.e. the child is an adult and the parents are still reluctant to let go.
One is direct manipulation, using threats, intimidation and humiliation to make children obey them unconditionally.
The other is indirect manipulation.
They will make the child obey orders by causing them to feel guilty.
When such children grow up, they will have a vague understanding of their own identity.
They will have a hard time stripping themselves of their relationships with their parents and will not be able to face up to their real needs.
Without external intervention, even if the parents die, this manipulated thought will haunt these children like a nightmare for the rest of their lives.
The second category is physically abusive parents.
Such families are filled with violence, tears and wailing;
Some of these parents will share their violent reasons with their children.
This kind of complaint is to excuse one's own violence, and some of them exercise the will of the children in the name of exercising their children's will and punching and kicking at their children.
At the same time, children are asked to keep their mouths shut, which means they lose all emotional support.
This also leads to extreme insecurity in these children, who think the worst of all.
When they grow up, they fantasize about having the powerful, controlling qualities of the abuser, and they are not consciously contaminated with the violent tendencies of toxic parents.
The third category: verbally abusive parents.
Verbal abuse of a child by a parent is a verbal attack on the child's appearance, intelligence, abilities, or human values.
The first is direct verbal abuse, ignoring the child's emotions.
Such as: "How can I give birth to such a stupid child as you?" ”
The second is to make fun of and ridicule for a long time, and often put a cloak of humor on themselves, so that children are deeply self-doubting.
Such parents will set their children as imaginary enemies, suppress their children's self-confidence, and cover up their incompetence and failure by showing superiority in front of their children.
This is a very deformed competitive relationship, which makes many children base their self-esteem on the opinions of others.
In more serious cases, suicidal tendencies will also occur.
The fourth category is sexual abuse of parents.
Here, I would like to talk about psychological incest that is easily overlooked.
In a Korean variety show, a father has the following actions:
Like to lie in the bed of an adult daughter;
Forced to cuddle an adult daughter on her lap, regardless of the occasion;
When his daughter needed pocket money, he offered to exchange it with relatives;
Facing her father, the daughter said with grievance: "I don't like my father to force me, it feels like being raped." ”
Unlike physical incest, psychological incest is more secretive, and the victim will feel that his privacy and safety have been seriously violated.
Children who have been sexually abused will grow up in the following situations:
1. Lack of normal romantic relationships.
2. Deprived of sexual desire.
3. Demean yourself in a romantic relationship.
This toxic family model is often inherited from generation to generation.
That is to say, the psychological trauma brought by the previous generation will be like a tumor, affecting the next generation and then the next generation.
Many of them are limited by their level of knowledge or other practical factors, and they are simply powerless to change this cycle.
This kind of toxic parent, usually when the child exposes the pain, will only have a few manifestations: denial, unwillingness to admit it, or prevarication of sin, never apologize.
As victims, we must accept that we have not yet received the emotional infiltration of our parents, so it is very likely that we will not get it for the rest of our lives.
We should all learn not to put our whole lives on the original family, and not to let the original family become our excuse, let it become our placebo self-paralysis, and do not punish ourselves with the mistakes of our parents, becoming depraved and decadent.
Because it's not worth it at all.
More important than complaining is self-redemption
Having said all that, what we want to say more is:
You can complain, even hate, but these emotions will be senseless and futile.
Why don't we think about how to make this intergenerational cycle of tragedy stop from our generation.
The Japanese writer Keigo Higashino once said, "Everyone wants to be born in a good family, but they can't choose their parents." What kind of card is given to you, you can only try to play it as well as possible. ”
If you want to play this deck of cards too, you might as well listen to me tell Tara's story.
Tara's other older brother, Taylor, was the first child to rebel against his family and enter college on his own.
After witnessing Sean's violence, he said to Tara, "It's time to get out of here, Tara." The longer you stay, the less likely you are to leave. ”
A faint light shone into Tara's dark life, and with the help of her brother, Tara picked up her textbook and began to teach herself.
Even if her father obstructed her, Sean often harassed, and even cut off her financial resources, he did not hinder Tara's determination.
She went to work in a department store at four o'clock every morning to save for tuition;
In the corner where there is not much light, grasp the reading and keep learning.
A few months later, Tara received her wish for a letter from the university.
However, this university, in the time that followed, brought Tara a painful memory.
Not only academic pressure, but also the world in front of him, completely overturning the truth that Tara has been believing for the past 17 years.
College girls wear short skirts and heavy makeup.
They are accustomed to hospitals, and it is common to take painkillers.
Tara has become an "outlier" in the eyes of her classmates, but fortunately, this light of education has finally shone into Tara's heart little by little.
She gradually discovered that the girls in short skirts were cute and definitely not prostitutes or bitches;
The hospital was not a magic cave, and the painkillers prescribed were a good relief for her terrible toothache.
As she continued to study, she began to go to Harvard to pursue a doctorate.
Education gave Tara more perspective, and after completing the extremely painful self-repair, she began to try to change her original family.
When Tara complained to her parents about her brother's domestic violence, her parents thought she was possessed by the devil and blamed her daughter's rebellion on education.
At the end of the story, Tara finally chooses to leave Buckshorn Mountain and walk towards her bright future.
She was not alone, and her well-educated brother stood by her side.
For her original family, she has always believed that as long as she does not give up, she will one day illuminate the way home.
Looking back, Tara never resented the sufferings of the past: "I belong to that mountain, and it shaped me. ”
Tara uses her real experience to tell us that the original family does affect our past and present, but it definitely does not determine our future.
In my opinion, in the face of the trauma caused by the original family, we have two more opportunities to heal in the future.
1. Through education, constantly read and learn.
Tara was able to get out of her native family because of her education.
It is education that gives Tara, who has been trapped in the garbage dump since childhood, more perspective, allowing her to glimpse the wider world.
It is also knowledge that enhances Tara's knowledge, brings her endless strength, makes her heart stronger, and is no longer afraid of harm from her original family.
2) A good marriage, and someone who loves you unconditionally.
Often the group with the original family income generation, accompanied by a highly sensitive personality, will unconsciously please each other in the feelings, into inferiority.
In this way, we may wish to put "unconditional love for you" in the first place in the conditions for choosing a mate.
Just like Deng Chao and Sun Li, Sun Li, a former unmarried person.
Her parents divorced, mother and daughter depended on each other, she witnessed her mother's hardships, but also suffered from the separation of the family brought her hurt.
Until she met Deng Chao, Deng Chao's humor and responsibility gave Sun Li enough security, and also let her gradually eliminate her fear of marriage.
The two have been married hand in hand, for more than ten years, the feelings are still sweet, and the two children are very confident and generous because they have the full love of their parents.
It can be seen that a good relationship can really redeem a person's heart.
The intergenerational cycle brought about by the original family was finally terminated in Sun Li's generation.
"Everything that passes is the prologue."
Each of us will one day have to cut the umbilical cord with the original family, to live independently, or to form our own regenerative family.
Instead of indulging in the trauma of the original family, it is better to turn around and look at the present, change the current state of mind, and get out of the predicament through their own efforts.
Finally, I would like to share a quote from Tara: "All these years of intuition have been teaching me a truth - only by relying on yourself, the odds are greater. ”
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