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The times are developing, and the psychology of children is constantly changing. Therefore, the parents' education methods should also change with the times and change with the situation.
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Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Dr. Ding Xiang once posted such a Weibo:
According to one study, the proportion of children and adolescents in China with depressive symptoms is 19.85%, and among children and adolescents in the central region, this proportion has even reached 23.7%.
That is to say, in China, one in five children may have depressive symptoms.
Image source Dr. Lilac's Weibo
This set of data can be seen in the hearts of parents.
In real life, we often hear about this child's glass heart, and that child has depressed feelings.
Parents ponder:
"We were far from the current living conditions, and the care given by adults was limited, and now children are not worried about eating or wearing, how can they be so fragile?"
Some people even said: "When we were young, we were often beaten and scolded by our parents, and we didn't see a few people looking for death and life?" ”
In today's article, we will rationally explore this problem that makes parents puzzled:
"What's wrong with the kids now?"
It's not that children today are vulnerable, but that they face something more complex than they did in the past.
1
Kids are getting more attention now
An old man once lamented:
"In the past, my 5 children were all pulled up, how can it be so tired for young people to bring a child now!"
Parenting in the previous generation seemed easy, but the pressure of begging for life occupied most of life's troubles.
Because of this, their concern for the child will not be particularly meticulous, as long as it is not a matter of principle in safety, open one eye, close one eye, the child is so brought up.
Today, the living conditions are better, parents pay more attention to education, and they are also extra careful in raising their children.
Because of the heart, it is also more hard, which is the progress of the times and the challenge faced by the nurturer.
Many families are a pair of parents + two elderly people or even four elderly people, and multiple adults have the time and energy to devote to the upbringing of a single child.
Some people may say that the child gets more love, isn't it good?
The problem is that there is more love, more attention, and more control, intervention, and outsourcing.
On the one hand, the child's space for self-development is squeezed, many of the problems that the child should solve by himself, adults have helped him to clear the obstacles, and the sense of responsibility and independence that should be there has not been cultivated.
On the other hand, when the nurturer stares at the child for too long, the problems in the child will be infinitely magnified.
In the consultation problems in the background of our public account, simple eating and sleeping have become a headache topic for parents.
While we pay too much attention to our children, we are also picking at their faults.
This is not to say that it is not good to raise with heart and advocate free-range, but that education that is not aimed at independence and autonomy will turn airtight love into a heavy "shackle".
2
Today's children are carrying too much expectation
Former parents will also put pressure on their children to learn, after all, reading can get ahead, they will say to their children:
"As long as you want to read, even if we smash pots and sell iron, we will provide you with reading."
However, college is worth yearning for, parents do not regard this as the only way out, children do not get admitted to do other things, regret but not despair.
Today, when the "chicken baby" is popular, more and more parents have higher and more meticulous requirements for their children's learning.
Therefore, the expectations faced by children have also changed, not only a good university, but also a good junior high school, high school, but also a well-round development, not willing to be behind others.
From the first day we send our children to elementary school, few parents have made the psychological assumption that "my child may be at the middle and lower levels." ”
Everyone is holding the mentality that the child must take the top few, and when the child's grades do not meet the expectations of the parents, the painful learning "war" begins.
I once saw a news: a mother had an anxiety disorder because her child scored 98.
This kind of expectation, for the child, is too much physical and mental pressure.
It is normal for parents all over the world to have expectations for their children's future, and no one is willing to be mediocre.
Expectation is not a bad thing, the problem is that most parents can not accept an ordinary result, and finally because of disappointment, it affects the love and evaluation of their children.
And the child also feels a deep sense of anxiety and frustration from you.
Parents should understand that every excellent child is not born out of nowhere, and the greater the expectations of children, the more patience they must be;
The more we take into account the child's ability and current situation, the more timely we must adjust the method of education.
3
Now the time for children to wake up to self-awareness is ahead of schedule
With the development of television, online media, and informatization, children are more informed than ever before.
I often hear people sigh: "Today's children are so precocious, and primary school students know a lot of things!" ”
Children prematurely accept multifaceted and complex new media information, and calls for self-awareness and independence emerge earlier.
They will take the initiative to ask for the right to speak, some adults often feel that they can't talk about children, and bitter preaching is often staged in the family when it encounters tit-for-tat rebuttals.
Even if you use the authority of your parents to silence your child, he can still vent his dissatisfaction online and wherever his peers are.
In the past, when we talked about rebellion, we always felt that it was something that only happened to the "big kids" who went to high school.
But now the age of children's rebellion seems to be getting earlier and earlier, and some children begin to rebel against their parents around the fifth or sixth grade.
The essence of rebellion is actually the awakening of self-awareness.
When a child finds that he is not respected as a real person in front of his parents, too much command, criticism, and denial will cause the child to rebel.
Gradually, many irreconcilable contradictions arise between the child's desire for autonomy and the parenting that is suppressed by the authority of the parents.
4
Lost childhood, less emotional outlet for release
The American writer Richard Love mentions a word called "natural deficiency disorder" in his "Last Child in the Woods".
This is a universal social phenomenon, modern urban children are gradually alienated from nature, and there is less and less time for outdoor activities.
He mentions:
"For children, the face of nature is diverse:
A newborn calf, the birth and death of a pet, an old forest path, a mysterious wetland on the edge of the wasteland.
Although the appearance is different, nature can always give the child a broader and farther world, which is different from the family world given by the parents, nor does it "steal" the child's time like television. ”
Children in the past also had such a world, and there was a broader world outside the family to release the pressure of learning and the grievances in life.
They have a lot of playmates, neighbors' children, shouting, and immediately flocking to groups;
There are also rich ways to play, hopscotch, jump high, jump leather band, climb tree and touch shrimp...
Although there are no high-end toys, there is no worry in the heart.
These times provide stable emotional and emotional support for the child.
Even if you are beaten by your mother, cry outside for a while, play for a while, walk around, and come home to be a clingy child who is alive and jumping.
But today's children do not have such time and space to digest the harm caused by their parents' usual improper education.
Although they also have happy childhood memories that belong to this era, they do not have the vast environment to release pressure.
The experience of free playing with a companion is unimaginable for many children today.
The city is full of high-rise buildings, and a hundred square homes are like barriers.
Parents are the people who get along with their children the most, and in addition to the family, some children have almost no other external psychological support.
That is to say, when his relationship with his parents is broken, all the psychological support systems in the child's heart may also collapse.
5
Swearing was common in the past, but it didn't mean it was right.
Finally, to answer the first question in the title of the article:
Why are we often scolded by our parents when we are young, but few have psychological problems?
Let's start with a true story:
A post-80s friend was raised by his father until he was a teenager, until he grew taller than his father and could not beat him, and this situation stopped.
Like all children, he hated this crude way of education as a child, and as the years passed, this hatred gradually faded.
But there has always been a chasm in the relationship with my father. Even now that he is a father, he is not willing to talk to his father, as long as it is his life advice, he is not patient to listen.
So, can we say that children who have been scolded by their parents since childhood have no psychological trauma or impact?
No matter what era, as long as it is a child, his heart must be fragile.
However, in the past, information dissemination was not so developed, and there was little contact with reflection on the improper parenting of parents, and the feeling of this pain was vague and hindsight.
Decades have passed, the days have gotten better and better, people are no longer willing to mention the pain of the past, and finally become a hidden childhood trauma.
The phenomenon is universal and does not mean correct.
Just because the problem is not perceived does not mean that there is no problem.
There are indeed some "simple and rough" parts of our father's education, precisely because we suffered losses from the previous generation.
Therefore, they will be more cautious and cautious when educating their children.
"In the past, I was scolded by my parents, and few people had psychological problems" is a false proposition.
As early as the "May Fourth" period, Lu Xun shouted out the cry of "saving the children" and also wrote the thought-provoking "How Do We Be Fathers Now".
Nowadays, "how to be a parent" has become a new problem facing parents in the new century.
It can be said that the parents of this era are more wandering than ever.
Before answering this question, we have to think about ourselves, after all, family education should first be the self-education of parents.
Before you change your child, change yourself.
If parents can let go of the obsession of pursuing perfection in their hearts, correct their mentality, encourage more, and understand more, they can truly stand with their children and meet the new challenges raised by the times.
Click "Watching" and encourage you.
*Source: Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs), dedicated to providing parents with professional and practical parenting knowledge and concepts.
* Images from the Internet, infringement contact removed.