△ A concert by one person | Chen Chusheng X divorced girl Xi Cheng
In 2018, at the age of 27, Hee Cheng decided to divorce and leave Beijing to start a new life in a completely unfamiliar city. After 5 years of marriage, in order to take care of her twin sons, she lost her job, her own life, and the respect and care of her husband. The life of a housewife brings day after day of burden and pain, and this time, she decided to follow her heart.
Another reason that made her make this decision is also related to her idol. Before getting married, she liked Chen Chusheng and would always find a way to attend his meeting. After getting married, when she was most confused, she met Chen Chusheng at the recording site of a variety show. Chen Chusheng still remembered her and asked, "I haven't seen you for a long time, why did you go?" ”
In December this year, I met Chen Chusheng again, who has started a new life and has her own job, partner and family. She understood that the most certain thing in her hands was personal confidence and independence.
The divorce was first proposed by Hee-sung's ex-husband because "you are not as beautiful as before". At that time they had been married for 5 years.
Xi Cheng feels ridiculous, and brings his best youth love and family to get only disgust and disgust, in exchange for the evil words of "not worthy of him".
Eleven years ago, Xi Cheng's school had the opportunity to intern in Beijing, and she chose to sign up because she wanted to be closer to her idol, Chen Chusheng. In Beijing, she met her ex-husband. Similar age, common topic, the two quickly fell in love, stepped into marriage, full of hope for the future.
The marriage was not blessed by her parents, and her father did not even attend her wedding. But at that time, Xi Cheng was fearless, and coming to Beijing was also her own decision, and looking back many years later, she felt that her 22-year-old self was somewhat willful.
After getting married, the birth of twins quickly changed the focus of her life. The child brought a momentary joy to the small family, but then came a burden that weighed on her. She quit her former job to take care of the baby wholeheartedly.
Tired of dealing with two babies waiting to be fed, Hee Cheng has no time to put on makeup and dress up, and every day she faces the sky, most often wearing house clothes. Commensurate with her exhaustion was her husband's carelessness and blatant accusations. At night, the child's crying and quarrel made the two of them sleep badly, and the husband asked to go out to sleep alone on the grounds that he was busy at work and leave her alone.
The difference in living habits also brings great contradictions to the lives of the two. Before getting married, Hee-sung used to take on the role of caregiver, washing her ex-husband's feet and socks. After getting married, she was busy taking care of the children every day, no longer doing these chores for her ex-husband, but the other party asked her: "You weren't like this before, why did you disguise it so well?" Don't you love me anymore? ”
She initially tried to face a overwhelmed life with escape. She often takes her son home, once for half a year, and has relatives to help her take care of her children, and she can temporarily have her own independent time.
But the contradictions between husband and wife have not been completely resolved, and back in Beijing, she still has to face a numb, painful life day after day. There were many quarrels, and every time her ex-husband talked about divorce, she did not take it seriously, thinking that it was just her husband's temper tantrums again.
Until one time back to her hometown, she learned that Chen Chusheng would go to record a variety show, and she decided to take her aunt, who had been suffering from cancer for a long time, to relax, so she signed up. After the show, she went backstage to greet Chen Chusheng. Before the wedding, Chen Chusheng's fan meeting, she must go to the scene, and also sent a cross embroidery that she embroidered herself. This time, Chen Chusheng remembered her and asked her: "I haven't seen you for a long time, why did you go?"
When she returned, she began to reflect on what she had done over the years. She used to think that two people would have to live a lifetime when they got married, but repeated disappointments drained all her energy. "At that time, I felt that I really couldn't get over it, I couldn't get a little love from you, but I wanted to share my love with my children to you, and I couldn't get it myself."
This time, she decided to follow her heart and not settle for it. That being the case, let each other go. The two did not tell their parents and went to the Civil Affairs Bureau to register for divorce. After the divorce was completed, the ex-husband looked very happy, one foot on the accelerator went out to find friends to play, Xi Cheng silently packed his bags, and the next day he went to Shanghai to borrow a friend's house, 27 years old, and started again.
Starting a new life is both easy and difficult for Hee Cheng. She had to start looking for a job again, live alone, leave her twin sons, and only take advantage of the holidays to visit.
Because she usually likes to chat with people, she chose to apply for a sales job. 5 years of disconnection from society did not make her lose the confidence to return to work, but there are still obstacles to cross.
When she is a housewife, she can do things in her own way without worrying about others pointing fingers; but at work, a detail that is not in place will be criticized by the leader. At first, she was criticized, she secretly wiped her tears, but knew that tears would not solve the problem, and slowly, she also learned to adapt to the rhythm of work.
But she knew that after spending money, she no longer needed to look at other people's eyes, and every penny was earned by herself. In the past, when she returned to her hometown, in order not to "embarrass her husband", she often made generous moves and brought expensive gifts to her relatives, and now she can proudly say that the shoes and bags she bought are 99 yuan, and the socks are also bought on Pinduoduo.
Hee Cheng paintings
After the divorce, Hee-sung rarely returned home and did not tell his parents about it. She grew up with good grades and was regarded by relatives as "someone else's child", and marriage was like this - married to a Beijing husband, the family conditions were demolished and she had multiple apartments, and two twin sons. She felt that if someone knew that she was divorced, they would only say "how can you not think" and "you don't know satisfaction as a person".
Even in the face of his parents, Hee Cheng found it difficult to open his mouth about many things. Until she went to Shanghai, her parents didn't know all this and asked her why she didn't discuss such a big thing with her family?
But she was afraid to hear accusations from her parents for "knowing so." After learning about this, her father always told her that if you didn't go to Beijing, you wouldn't encounter such a thing, and your life may be a different process. The mother's point of view is that everything should be based on the child, and personal happiness should be considered last.
She felt sad, as if all the problems were her fault.
The backlog of emotions finally exploded when my grandmother died. According to Changsha customs, when an old man dies, the juniors must kneel, and the people who listen to the above practices sing the life of the old man, which year is born, which year is married, which year is dead... Some people's lives are no longer than the length of a piece of paper, and a few strokes end.
When she heard that her grandmother died in what year and what day, Xi Cheng's tears fell uncontrollably, and her body quickly became wet, she no longer cared about the image, and the whole person lay on the ground and cried. At that time, my father did not know the fact that she was divorced, and felt strange that she and her grandmother were not close to each other when she was brought up by her grandmother, and why she cried so badly.
For Xi Cheng, at that time, the first half of an ordinary woman's life flashed in front of his eyes, "If you say that you don't let yourself go again, you will lie there like that after a few years, you won't be remembered by others, and you won't be happy."
She sat up from the ground and sang Chen Chusheng's "Missing a Wasted Name" for her grandmother, and she felt that the lyrics "I used my faith to weave a lie tomorrow and deceive every sleepless night" was her own portrayal. After singing, she felt much relieved and decided not to punish herself for the faults of others.
At the scene of "One Man's Concert", Chen Chusheng also sang this song for Xi Cheng. After many years of separation, Chen Chusheng also has his own child, and the two can sit together and talk about things related to family and children. Hee-cheng feels that this dialogue is like a friend communicating, they have their own lives, and they can also say some jokes and hearts.
When the marriage was not happy, Xi Cheng was afraid to hear Chen Chusheng's old songs. Sometimes listening to "One Man's Winter", she feels lonely and misses her fearless self when she first came to Beijing.
At that time, she lived in the company's collective dormitory, and every time she left work late, her monthly salary was only more than 800 yuan. One night, on a whim, she ran to a piano shop, spent nearly half a month's salary to buy a guitar, and when she returned with her back on her back, she felt that her whole body was full of aura, as if she were a wandering singer. Although she never learned the guitar after buying it back, she thought it was the closest time to her idol.
After getting married, she gave that guitar to a friend. After the friend moved, he left the guitar in the original rental house, and there was no trace of it. She felt that this might be a reasonable ending, growing up always had to leave something behind, and life still went on.
After the divorce, she will also talk to her little sisters in her hometown about their own affairs. Some friends, like her, married at an earlier age and did not live happily, but when it comes to divorce, they have a lot of concerns, afraid that the children will not be taken care of, the house will not be able to be divided, and the marriage is still going on.
She occasionally hears from her ex-husband from some friends, and sometimes she feels unfair, and she clearly treats people with kindness, why is there such an ending.
After experiencing so much, Xi Cheng told Chen Chusheng that she still believed in love, but also learned to grow. She sees herself more rationally and faces life casually.
Her reflection on her "flattering personality" may also be related to the family education she received from an early age. Growing up in a family of two daughters, as an older sister, she automatically took on many family responsibilities, helping her parents who opened a commissary to watch the shop and contract to wash all the dishes at home.
She said self-deprecatingly that when she was a child, her father always used "lying encouragement" to make her obedient, such as "the whole family's bowls are only the cleanest for you" and "your egg fried rice is a hundred times better than your mother", she would happily wash the dishes, while her sister, who was 7 years younger, was spoiled and raised. Now she will think about whether I must be so obedient and obedient, always thinking about others, but I can't even express anger and resistance when I am wronged.
What she didn't expect was that Grandma was the most supportive person in the family for her divorce. After the divorce, Grandma said indifferently, "Divorce is divorced, what's great, now who doesn't divorce, a lot of people are divorced", and also educated the sister who is not yet married, "Girls should be stupid, don't do everything by yourself."
What makes Xi Cheng always feel at ease is the twin sons. At the time of the divorce, she thought it was best to keep the children with their father, who would have a worry-free life in the future and a Beijing hukou.
In 2020, because her son's grandmother said "the child is so pitiful, there is no mother, you come back", Xi Cheng returned to Beijing to take care of the child for a year, during which time she was not happy, as if reliving the painful days. She decided to let go and said to the child, Mom and Dad are divorced, you have to accept the reality, Mom has a mom's life. Mom went to Shanghai and came back to pick you up after the winter vacation.
She plans that now she will save money, "a little skill", what the children lack she can afford, in the future they study abroad, she can also fly to visit. She understood, "Only when you go out and the sun is shining, can you shine on others, you yourself are yin, how do you take care of others?" ”
Over time, her parents also accepted her choice. Once, the taciturn father suddenly said to her: "If you feel tired, you can go to your own future, don't care so much, children, if there is no way you can let go." Hee-sung believes that time can dilute their stereotypes, and the way she tries to live and work, "maybe they also see it."
Hee-cheng is 30 years old this year, but she feels that she has no age anxiety. As long as I always have the courage and determination to start again, she said, "by the age of 40, I am still 20 years old."
Issue 3991
Written by 丨 Akiyama
Photography 丨 Bubble Deliberate Imaging Lab Free
Edit 丨 Summer
Produced 丨 Tencent News