The author | C Mom
When I was a child, domestic violence referred to beating and cursing and corporal punishment of children, but as the post-80s and post-90s entered the role of parents, the situation of beating and cursing children became less and less, and everyone had their own set of methods for educating their children.
Verbal violence is becoming less and less common, but many new types of domestic violence are beginning to prevail and destroy children's spirits.
Today, the stomping mother will talk about the "violence" in life, which is cloaked in the cloak of educating children.
01
Habitual use of offensive language
Although the new generation of parents can basically bear not to beat and insult their children, many times when emotions need to be vented, it is just a more subtle way - aggressive language:
"It's really stupid, such a small thing can't be done well, how can it be done well in the future?"
"You know the troublemaking"
"How come you can't even walk well?"
Although there is no beating or scolding, the nature of offensive statements is the same as that of insults and demeaning, and they are all verbal violence.
It is not less lethal than scolding, but because it is more "gentle", "harmless" (these two words are not too perfect), it is less likely to be detected by using potential "violence", so it appears more frequently.
If it really is, this long-term low-lethal aggressive language is more harmful than the occasional high-lethal scolding!
The long-term uneasiness, self-doubt, and panic of not being loved can slowly take over the child's heart.
Of course, some people will say that I have told it a hundred times and the children will not listen, and I can't help it.
Can only get louder and louder, words more and more difficult to hear!
Children sometimes bear up is really fatal, always gentle and not angry mother, either a fairy, or a stepmother.
But anger is okay, it's okay to express anger, but expression of emotion ≠ verbal attack≠ vent anger.
What can we do?
You can be loud, you can be angry, you can tell your child, "You make your mother angry when you do this," "I don't like your toys to be littered," or even a few words of reprimand with a straight face, instead of "it's not right for people."
Therefore, try to turn aggressive language into neutral descriptive language, not emotional, not standing on a high place to accuse, and describe the phenomenon you see.
Offensive language:
"Roll, don't call me Mom, you're my mom, no"
"Stupid you got it, you can't do anything"
"How come you don't die?"
Descriptive language:
"Your toys are everywhere on the ground, so I'm a little irritated, so hurry up and put the toys back in place."
"You littered everywhere, such behavior is uncivilized, throw the garbage into the trash can, thank you"
Directly describe what you see as "the ground is full of your toys" + your feelings "I'm a little irritable" + your need to "put the toys back in place".
Speaking well is really something that requires a lifetime of cultivation.
Parents can talk well, and children can learn to speak well. If parents always speak harshly to each other, these words will flow into the child's ears unchanged and eventually become the child's language.
02
Cold violent punishment
Cold violence As we all know, when in love, most couples hate not the red-faced quarrel, but the cold violence of one party.
I know it all.
But after becoming a parent, many people bring cold violence to their children (ps: here is not only to explain the reasons to the children, the process of mutual calm)
A friend of mine once shared with us her experience of being locked out of the door by her parents, for the specific reason that she has forgotten, and the only thing left in her memory is the picture of herself crying and banging on the door, calling her mother over and over again, and a deep sense of despair.
Even now, the feeling of being abandoned, unloved, and accepted in the subconscious mind still coldly attacks her.
So, for so many years, she has always had a fear of home, helpless, even if she knows that her parents love her very much, even if her parents have never beaten her.
Many parents, when they are angry or annoyed by their children, they are accustomed to hanging their children, the light ones are directly indifferent to their faces, the children say that they will not pay attention to him, and the serious ones close the small black room and close them to the door.
Maybe you just want to correct your child's behavior, thinking that I am ignoring you, you know how angry I am, and you know that it is time to reflect on yourself.
But it ignores the great harm that this practice does to the child's heart.
Children simply don't think about "why my mother ignores me or why she is locked out", as you wish, and the only thing they think is "is my mother not loving me, is she not wanting me".
At first, it may just be questioning the love of parents, but if it is treated coldly and violently for a long time, the child will realize that "my feelings, parents don't care at all", and then hide their emotions and close their hearts.
Once a child closes his or her heart, it can be very difficult for parents to establish an intimate, trusting connection with them.
I've seen an experiment called "three-minute neglect" before, and it was particularly shocking.
At first, the babies had a lot of fun with their dads.
At this moment, the experimenters asked the fathers to turn their faces, and then turn back to face the baby expressionlessly for three minutes.
Babies look at their dad and try to play with him again. But because of the lack of response, I gradually became depressed.
They began to look away, trying to find some toys again, doing all kinds of movements, trying their best to get a response from their father, playing with their father, but still no response.
After only three minutes, the babies showed strong negative emotions and great pressure, breaking down and crying.
Psychoanalysis has a saying: "A place where there is no response is a hopeless situation." ”
For children, parents' non-response, or even deliberate non-response, will really push the child into a desperate situation.
As the researchers say, in real life, babies who have been experiencing "three minutes of neglect" like the experiment will eventually lead to tragic consequences.
In fact, parents face the cold treatment of their children's unreasonable trouble, but they are just escaping. Because I really don't know how to deal with it, I can't beat up or kill myself.
It's normal to have emotions, but you can't go all the way to the dark in the wrong way of venting.
The child's emotional breakdown should be calm, but it is definitely not to ignore it directly. Rather, it is about understanding and accepting the child's feelings, and guiding the child to express his emotions and needs (Emma, who has said about emotions too many times).
As for the correction of bad behavior, it is by no means that you ignore him, and he will be able to learn from himself. We must ensure that the child has the correct understanding of "what to do and what not to do".
If the cognition is not problematic but the behavior is still not changed, the best way is to let the child bear the direct consequences of the behavior.
Disobeying again and again, the mother will stare at you again and again to change.
Childhood is to learn and grow up in trial and error, first of all, we as adults, this tolerance and patience should be there.
The purpose of discipline is to correct behavior, not to really get angry with the child.
03
High-pressure environment
I don't know if you have noticed that this class of children is actually much more stressful than when we were young.
When we were young, all kinds of resources were tight, parents were busy earning money to support the family, there was no time to manage us, coupled with information blockage, horizontal and vertical contrast, so children and parents are actually relatively simple and happy.
But now it's different.
4 people around a child, they receive more attention than ever, but this is a double-edged sword, and they will receive more requests than ever.
It is the richer parenting energy that keeps our eyes on the child all the time.
Let's say that the normal one-day process, usually go home and put down the bag and run away, never go home until the meal, as long as you don't run into trouble, basically your parents will not care.
But now:
The child did not wash his hands when he came home from school, and was said that the hygiene habits were not good and loved to be sick.
Playing with toys is all, it is said, you can't even use it to collect it, what can you do later?
A bit hunchback did not stand well, was said, standing did not stand and sit together did not sit like anything.
Eating rice alone without eating greens is said to be picky eaters in poor health.
Homework grinding does not like to write, it is said that the children who are not disciplined will not go far in the future.
Don't love English class, be said, can't connect to the international future will be left behind by others.
Dance lessons/block lessons/piano lessons are not serious, and it is said that no specialty is destined to be ordinary.
……
From the moment you enter the house, all kinds of demands and preaching have not been broken, as if you have not paid attention at all, and the child's future life will be finished.
A little bit of hand is an expert's parenting method, and a brush is the perfect child of someone else's home.
Looking at their own children, it seems that everything is a little far from the standard of "good".
Therefore, every second of doing nothing and not working hard feels like a waste, and it is a sin for the child not to be well educated.
Someone asked: What is a suffocating family like?
A high praise replied: Getting up late will be said, things will be said to be misplaced, what to eat will be said, even standing, sitting will be said, how is not right, will be told by parents, what you should do.
Children in the new era, the more attention parents give, the higher and more intensive the requirements children feel!
But the child naturally can not do everything as you wish, the more the child can not do, the more anxious the adult, the higher the pressure the child feels.
He needs to always be on the lookout for words and be careful to deal with his parents' demands.
When the child is in this high pressure for a long time, there is no way to breathe, his ego is constantly suppressed, the heart is easy to collapse, and eventually either resist or self-extinction.
According to the survey, many adolescents with depressive tendencies stem from the high-pressure education of their parents.
Therefore, it is good that we can pay more attention to children in the new era, but its side effects should also be intentionally avoided.
Properly untie children, not only for the good of children, but also to leave a way for parents to live, sisters. There is no pain, no need to struggle.
There are no perfect children, and there are no perfect parents.
Since we are not perfect, why should we follow our children on our preset path?
A child who is infinitely interfered with by his parents will never be able to surpass his parents when he becomes an adult.
Every life has its own inner motivation to grow and the ability to improve itself, we only need to give the child an infinite amount of love and some bottom line that cannot be touched, in addition to these 2 things, please give the child some rights to free development.
As long as a little, the child will show you with his unique life, and everything will develop in a good direction.
Pay attention to the video number of old Xue's whole brain early education