Xu Kaiwen, a psychology professor at Peking University, proposed the concept of "hollow heart disease", and many excellent students lost their goals and motivation after going to university, and fell into a depressive state.
He pointed out that children with "hollow heart disease" lack self-worth, attach self-worth to external identity, and desperately pursue the affirmation of others.
These children, on the way to growth, have been praised by others, but they often have a strong sense of loneliness and meaninglessness in their hearts.
In the past, they were called "the proud sons of heaven" by others, but now they call themselves "985 waste" and small town subjects.
Doesn't today's education say to praise and affirm children? Why did they, who grew up with their parents and received a lot of praise, fail to go to the expected path to success, but become "family squats" after graduation, confused and confused about the future of work?
They fail to find self-worth, perhaps because the praise they received since childhood is toxic.
Many times, the so-called praise education method is actually a kind of "killing" of children.
Compared with parents in the 60s and 70s, many young parents now know that to affirm their children and praise their children, it will help their children form a confident personality.
So, they praised the children for everything, saying, "You're awesome, you're the best." ”
But praise without anything actually has more negative effects on children.
Toxic compliments, often with these:
01
Praise for your child who is beyond his actual ability
A mother wonders why her child is not interested in anything, obviously she does not put a lot of pressure on her child, but the child always gives up easily after trying it.
"At first, I saw that he liked to draw, so I asked him if he wanted to enroll in an interest class, and he agreed. Every time he gets back, the paintings are actually not very good-looking, but I will praise him for his good drawings, do not discourage his enthusiasm, and end up not attending a few classes. ”
Later children also have other interests, such as dancing, calligraphy, Go, musical instruments, etc.
But they couldn't stick to it, the mother thought that she had not criticized the child, the child did not learn well, she praised him and encouraged him.
Why are children like this? Is it useless to praise children?
Some scholars pointed out that in the face of excessive praise from parents, children will worry that they will fail their parents, which will lead to panic and anxiety in children.
This mother knows that the child is not learning very well, but she will still praise the child for being great and give some praise beyond the child's actual ability. In fact, this can cause some stress for the child.
In the eyes of children, these unrealistic praise is that the mother has high expectations for herself, and her actual ability is difficult to achieve, in order to avoid the risk of disappointing her parents, she chooses to quit and becomes afraid to challenge herself.
02
I like to evaluate children in directions unrelated to acquired efforts, such as talent, appearance, and talent
I believe that many parents will face such a situation:
Kids come home from school and bring out their own work in craft class, and parents always say "Wow, baby is awesome!" ”； When the child achieves good grades, he will praise the child for being really smart, the child will be outstanding in some aspects, and the child will be praised for having talent in these aspects.
These compliments focus on the child's talent and intelligence, which are uncontrollable.
Children who are often praised in this area will have a wrong perception of their abilities.
Psychologist Dweck conducted such an experiment in which they divided 128 10- and 11-year-olds into two groups.
In the first stage, all the children are asked to solve math problems.
After the students in the first group finished answering, they were praised as "you did a very good job, you are so smart";
The reward for the children in the other group was "You did a great job, you must have worked very hard".
In the second stage, these children get more difficult problems.
It turned out that the children who were praised for their hard work in the previous stage were more persistent in the face of more complex problems and were willing to try different solutions, even if they did not find a solution to the problem in the end.
And these children who were previously praised as smart are prone to restlessness in the face of failure, and they are reluctant to do these problems and expose what they will not do.
They believe that children who are always praised for their intelligence tend to form a fixed mindset that their abilities and wisdom are innate and unchangeable.
Children who are always praised for their efforts are prone to form a growth mindset, and children believe that their abilities can be gradually improved through various efforts.
Children with fixed thinking often feel helpless when they fail, because in their eyes, they fail because of insufficient ability, and ability is something that cannot be changed, and failure means that they will always be a failure.
Therefore, when you grow up, you often choose to avoid challenges and tasks that may make you fail, afraid that you will be completely denied.
"985 waste" is not only their self-deprecation when they grow up, but also reflects the real frustration and helplessness in their hearts after suffering the setback of reality.
03
Likes to compare with other children
"Other people's children" often appear on the lips of parents, children who grow up under this social praise, they strive to become excellent, in order to surpass others rather than to improve themselves, lack the internal motivation to learn.
Learning driven by external motivation, when external motivation disappears, will children take the initiative to learn and work hard?
When children grow up, they find that the real world is no longer as simple as when they were students, and they are no longer heroes based on scores; "Surpassing others" is no longer a matter of staying up for a few more days and nights on your own, and you can do it by learning a few more knowledge points.
After the external motivation disappeared, he lost the strength of his efforts and could no longer roll up, so he chose to lie flat.
Comparative praise transforms behaviors that originally belong to the child's internal motivation into those that require external stimuli to function, obliterating the child's motivation to grow.
Psychologist William James said, "The deepest essence of human nature is the desire to be appreciated." ”
Being praised is indeed a beautiful thing, but moderate praise can stimulate children's initiative.
The purpose of praising children is to let children trust themselves and have confidence in themselves.
It is more effective to achieve results than blindly praising the child's talent and intelligence, praising the child's efforts, and appreciating the child's behavior results.
The good grades that children have worked hard for several weeks to get are not something that can be summed up by parents saying "so smart".
This will only make children feel that the quality of grades has nothing to do with their own efforts, but with their own intelligence and their own talents.
Instead, parents can say to their children, "Hmm! Well, I saw that you put a lot of effort into this exam. ”
Parents who see their children's efforts and praise their children's efforts can make their children feel that their efforts are respected and recognized, and pay more attention to their own efforts.
And appropriate praise can allow children to have a correct understanding of themselves, know their limitations and shortcomings, will not be disturbed by external evaluative praise, have a firm heart, establish an endogenous sense of self-worth, and pursue their goals!
END
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