People are a very social animal, and sometimes we are even willing to make some self-sacrifice in order to get the attention and love of others. People at different times are always pursuing different loves, when we are young, we pursue the affectionate love of our family and parents, and when we grow up, we will pursue the erotic love between the opposite sex.
However, because of the different education received, each person's growth environment is also different, so when expressing love, different people will use different ways and methods. Some people are enthusiastic and unrestrained, always dare to express their inner thoughts directly, and reveal their hot feelings to the people they like.
Some people seem to be very arrogant and stubborn, although they also love you deeply in their hearts, but they are not willing to express their attitude, but they behave very coldly.
This is a very contradictory approach to ordinary people, who also have a strong desire for love, but show resistance.
In fact, people with this kind of ambivalence in real life are not a minority, they seem to be alienated from anyone, but they only suppress their desire for intimate feelings in their bones.
Psychologists have found that this type of person is very typical pseudo-alienated. In order to protect themselves, they often appear to be very estranged from other people, but in fact, they have a very strong desire for intimacy in their hearts.
When people live at an early age, they often form an emotional and psychological connection in their interactions with their nurturers. And the pattern of people's interaction with their own parents will also affect to some extent the pattern of interaction with our partners in intimate relationships as adults.
Such interaction patterns are known as attachment patterns. Psychologists have found that the attachment patterns formed in childhood have a long-term impact on individuals.
It can even be said that the behavior we do when we interact intimately with our partners is only a projection of the patterns of interaction we have with our parents in the early years.
Psychologist Jason was the first scholar to propose the theory of attachment patterns, arguing that the attachment patterns between an individual and his nurturer have been initially manifested in early childhood.
This also means that the attitude of parents towards their children will affect the formation of children's attachment patterns.
People who have lacked love since childhood have a common problem, and that is that they don't know what love really is like, so they are easily deceived by others and easy to see something that doesn't exist. These fake aliens who seem to distance themselves from anyone else have an absolute obsession with love at heart.
But they also have very high demands on the object of their obsession, as well as the intimacy itself. It can be said that this is an unrealistic fantasy, they hope that the other party can easily read their own words and deeds, and meet all their requirements. In fact, no one can fully meet their requirements, which will make them constantly deny intimacy.
False aliens keep proving the conjecture in their hearts that no one will truly love you. They will consciously or unconsciously show friendly relations with ambiguous objects, hoping to vent their feelings that have nowhere to go.
Psychologists Anneworth and Bassromon believe that if the nurturer is often with the individual in early childhood, the child will form a safe dependency relationship.
Such a child will not worry about being abandoned when he grows up, and can form a good intimate relationship with his partner that is independent and interdependent. However, if parents are hot and cold to their children during childhood, the child will feel strongly uneasy and will become more likely to become obsessive and dependent when he grows up.
Because they are always worried about being abandoned by others, they will be extremely dependent on each other's existence. They are not sure whether the other person really loves themselves, and suspect that the other person is not willing to have a fairly intimate union like themselves.
In response, Freud proposed a concept called narcissistic injury.
The concept is that when a person thinks that his self-worth and self-esteem are threatened, he will consider himself to be unacceptable and worthless. At this time, people usually use anger as an emotion to cover up their inner loss.
These pseudo-aliens usually experience very severe and frequent narcissistic injuries in early childhood.
For example, their parents always treat their children with their own emotions, or often insult and ridicule them. Growing up in such a family environment, children are often full of uneasiness about love, and even think that expressing love is a very shameful behavior. When they meet their beloved partner and develop a dependency relationship, they also keep an eye on each other's emotional changes.
Once the other person's attitude changes, they will think that their behavior is quite shameful, and develop a deep self-loathing, eventually becoming a pseudo-alien.
In fact, the essence of intimate relationships is the exchange of energy between each other, as long as the human soul is not completely numb, he will constantly desire to establish intimate connections with others.
If you find yourself a pseudo-alien, there are also ways to help yourself. First we need to face up to suffering and acknowledge that the root of all suffering comes from within ourselves. When interacting with our partners, we also need to communicate reasonably and be able to understand and approve each other's feelings and positions.
At the same time, we need to build empathy and empathy for the other person's situation. The last point is to be brave enough to explore happiness, regardless of whether this love is good or bad. Love is often unprovoked, and it can break through the limitations of age, gender, and even time and space. The value and quality of any relationship is determined by the lover himself.