In intimate relationships
Also respect each other's 'personality'
It's the "rule" that's rightful.
Author: Fei Bai
01
Every high-level relationship
All have a golden distance
Recently, the variety show "Welcome to the Mushroom House" is being broadcast.
The first guests were the 2007 Happy Male Voices, which were Chen Chusheng, Su Xing, Wang Quexin, Wang Zhengliang, Zhang Yuan and Lu Hu.
It is a well-recognized fact that the 07th fast man has a good relationship, and these few on the show are the 6 with the most iron relationship. The innings between acquaintances is undoubtedly the most fun, the most authentic, the most natural.
Only when they are familiar with each other can they complain to each other unscrupulously and "eat and lazy" with peace of mind.
There is a small episode in the show, 6 boys prepare dinner, and everyone tacitly opens the division of labor.
Some people cook, some people help cook, and some people in the yard "have nothing to do" to repair the chicken pen...
At first, it was Lu Rover who noticed that there were several chickens running out of the chicken pen, because there was a big hole in the bottom of the chicken pen, so he proposed to repair the chicken pen with Zhang Yuan.
In the process of repairing, Zhang Yuan seemed reluctant, thinking that if he repaired it, he would also repair it in vain, because as long as the chicken flew easily, he could fly out of the chicken pen.
But Lu Rover insisted that it made sense to repair the chicken pen, so he picked up the tools and began to work in a serious manner, while Zhang Yuan stood by and watched silently.
At this time, there were a lot of bullet screens above the screen complaining that Zhang Yuan was "too lazy".
It was not until later that Lu Rover and Zhang Yuan exchanged positions that Zhang Yuan's image was barely salvaged.
Later, Zhang Yuan mentioned this matter at the dinner table.
He said that when everyone was busy preparing dinner, he wondered if he should do something. But after thinking about it, I found that I could actually do nothing.
"Suddenly I thought, great, I can do nothing!"
Su woke up and took over the stubble, saying that with Zhang Yuan's personality, if he was recording a program with a group of other people, he would always take care of other people's feelings, and even often became very tense because he cared too much about the feelings of others, and only with old friends could he relax so much.
This conversation made me have an epiphany: Man, as long as the three words "sense of boundaries" are clear, life is much simpler and more comfortable.
With people you know well, the boundaries may be blurred, but when you get along with people you don't know well, you must always maintain a clear sense of boundaries.
Most people in life do the same. Therefore, there will be many people who give good tempers to outsiders and bad tempers to the people closest to them.
But in fact, no matter how close people are, they must also retain certain boundaries.
There is a famous saying in the field of psychology: every high-level relationship has a golden distance.
That is to say, no matter how good the relationship, if you lose the boundaries between each other, you will eventually cause mutual harm.
02
Marriage without a sense of boundaries
It's dangerous
Recently, in the "Spring Day Late Departure" program, the guests were seven divorced single men and women.
They divorced for a variety of reasons: third parties, gambling, illness, emotional indifference... Among them, the most "outrageous" is rock.
The reason rock divorced was simply because he didn't like his ex-wife to celebrate his birthday.
Although he had made it clear to his ex-wife that he didn't like to celebrate his birthday with great fanfare and only wanted the two to celebrate in a low-key manner, his ex-wife would quietly prepare a birthday party to surprise him.
This reason for divorce sounds very nonsensical. After all, who would divorce someone for such a trivial matter as "birthday"?
But many viewers have a deep resonance with rock, and the "me too" barrage has been brushed.
This small matter, which seems to be a difference between the two couples in concepts that are difficult to reconcile in terms of ritual sense, is actually an offense to one person's "sense of boundaries" to another person.
What is a sense of boundaries?
The sense of boundaries is the degree of judgment or importance of boundaries.
When a person lacks a sense of boundaries, he may unconsciously impose his will on others, inviting others to cross the boundaries they should have, or forcibly stepping into the boundaries of others.
Rock's ex-wife's behavior, which belongs to the latter, forcibly crosses the border of the husband.
Ex-wife, as rock's closest person ever, faced with her husband's particular preferences, her approach is not respect, but – I'm going to change your mind.
It's an affront to the boundaries of others.
In fact, this offense was not intentional, after all, throwing a party for one's husband could not have been out of love.
But it is this kind of "good for your good" sugar coating that makes the offended person a little "ignorant of good villains".
"I've done so much for you, how can you not be happy?"
At this time, accepting everything arranged by his ex-wife, Rock was not happy; but to refuse, he could not bear it.
In the end, it can only fall into internal friction until the feelings are slowly consumed.
The most terrible thing in marriage is that what is given is not what is wanted, what is asked is not required, and thus resentment arises.
Intimate and intimate, maintain a certain sense of boundaries at any time, in order to reduce unnecessary tearing and internal friction between each other.
03
Parents who lack a sense of boundaries
The deeper the love, the more hurt the child is
There is a post on Douban: "What suffocating love have you seen or experienced?" ”
A netizen's answer resonated with many people:
"From childhood to adulthood, I was surrounded by the 'meticulous' love of my parents.
As small as what to eat, what to use, what to wear, to what friends to make, what school to go to, and what major to choose.
Pushed by his parents since he was a child, he grew up reluctantly and naturally.
Sometimes I want to resist and flee, but I don't dare to imagine the consequences of falling out with my parents, so I can only live numbly. ”
This is the true state of children and parents in many families.
These parents seem to be very "concerned" about their children, but in fact, they bring a lot of pressure to their children.
Because they don't know that behind their "care", there is "invasion and control", depriving children of the opportunity to be independent and autonomous, affecting the healthy development of children's physical and mental health.
Children who grow up in such an environment are often unable to face their boundaries correctly, thus forming a flattering personality, or also becoming a person who lacks a sense of boundaries, affecting interpersonal relationships and intimate relationships.
The Japanese writer Yasuhiko Nishizawa once said: The so-called normal interpersonal relationship can only be established by maintaining a certain distance from others. No matter how intimate the relationship, it is necessary to respect the other person's 'personality', which is a natural "rule".
The so-called "certain distance" is the psychological boundary between people and people, which restricts us from invading the territory of others at will, and at the same time protects ourselves from being disturbed.
80% of the contradictions between people are caused by the lack of "sense of boundaries".
Everyone needs to "treat others as others" and treat each other as an "other" who is completely independent of themselves.
Know what is your own and what is someone else's, do not impose your own will on others, and do not force yourself into the boundaries of others.
Click to see, I hope we all have beautiful, long-term and high-level feelings.
Good articles in the past
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Editor/Mustard Review/Astro Boy
Girlfriend, May 2022
4.15 Yuanqi listed