Recently, Gu Ailing said in an interview at the Beijing Winter Olympics Commendation Conference: "We will never forget the Beijing Winter Olympics. "Nor will we forget her, a high-quality human girl who has lived three lifetimes. She is a talented sports star, skiing at the age of three, winning gold at the age of nine, and already having 50 gold medals at the age of 14. Won two titles in three days and six titles in 36 days. In addition to skiing, she also specializes in rock climbing, surfing, horse riding, basketball, swimming, cycling and other sports. At the same time, she is also a fashion star, as of last September, the magazine alone has been featured 16 times, is Tiffany, the spokesperson of ANTA, is the brand ambassador of IWC watches, is a partner of Estée Lauder, and has nearly a dozen cooperative brands at home and abroad. Shockingly, in addition to the above, she is also a Stanford school bully, the American college entrance examination SAT score of 1600, she took the 1580 exam, and in order to squeeze out the training time, the two-year course was compressed into one year.
It is said that behind a successful child there must be a pair of successful parents. The British psychoanalyst Bion once said: "The essence of relationship is to see who creates anxiety, who accommodates and dissolves anxiety." In Bion's view, good parents should have the quality of containers, what is a container? That is, when the child does things well, the parents give and approve, when the child encounters setbacks, the parents give support, when the parents have this trait, the parents are like containers for the child. Gu Ailing's mother, Gu Yan, graduated from Peking University and later studied an MBA at Stanford University, and is currently working in finance on Wall Street. Gu Yan is very strong, and her skiing has reached the qualification of a ski instructor. Not only that, Gu Ailing's mother rarely creates anxiety for her children. Therefore, we can see that Gu Ailing's mother has two characteristics, strong and gentle, in addition, she also has a particularly important part, that is, she is very stable, which is a particularly important requirement of the container, strong and reliable.
When Gu Ailing was 13 years old, as a child, she had to compete with adults. Unfortunately, Gu Ailing had a serious cold, which burned to 40 degrees, and she cried uncomfortably holding her mother. But in the whole process, Gu Ailing's mother really didn't have much anxiety. She helps the child solve the problem, and even in this state, he also consults the child. I was thinking that if I were a parent, at this time, seeing my child like this, I would definitely be very sad. I may have been really, very arbitrary, asking my daughter not to participate in the competition. But Gu Ailing's mother is not anxious, and she is always asking the child's thoughts and advising the child not to participate in the competition, but when the child insists on going to the competition, she obeys the child's opinion. As a result, Gu Ailing burned to this state, and the first time she competed with adults, she won a second place and another championship.
So we can see that Gu Ailing's mother has three such qualities, gentle, strong, and stable. Regarding the concept of education for children, Gu Ailing's mother herself has made such an explanation, she said that she mainly has two sentences, the first sentence is: "When Ai Ling ru was studying, their teacher said, do not correct the child's typos, believe in their creativity." "As a parent, many times, you think that you are correcting his mistakes, but in fact, you may be constantly hitting your child. The second sentence is "Praise them less for their cleverness and more praise for their efforts." In education, if a person believes in the theory of effort, she believes that her results are through her own efforts, such a person is more likely to succeed. Because she knows that success is directly proportional to how hard she is. And Gu Ailing herself will talk about her mother, she said: "My mother has helped me a lot, and what she cares about is not my grades, but whether I can sleep well or not." Gu Ailing had a passage that was very emotional. She put it this way: "I know that all children think that their mother is the best mother, but I really think that my mother is the best mother because he does so much more than other mothers." 」 Really better than other moms, sorry other moms, my mom is better than yours. It can be seen that Gu Yan's education is successful and is deeply loved by children.
But when it comes to this, many people have a feeling that in our society, under our culture, parents are more like an anxiety maker. The child just failed to do a good math test, and began to feel that the child did not have mathematical talent, and began to worry about what to do after the beginning of the small promotion and the beginning of the first birth. If you can't go to a good university, what should you do in this life? Then began a fierce search of information, search for ways to improve the child's math score, feel that it is not enough fun, the next morning, and ask everywhere, where there is a good cram school, hurry to pay the child to register. The cause is simply because the child did not do well in mathematics at one time. In psychology, the essence of anxiety is the fear of uncertainty, while the essence of parental anxiety is the worry about the uncertainty of children's growth. In order to eliminate this anxiety, everyone always can't help but design a life for their children. And ask the child not to deviate in the slightest. Most anxieties are self-inflicted. One of the most common things I hear parents say is that children are idle and idle, learn more things, and do not press their bodies. And without losing anything, this is actually the most poisonous chicken soup. The child seems to have learned everything, but in fact, the child has also paid a lot of opportunities for choice. When you're making decisions for your child, your child also loses the opportunity to make their own choices. Losing the ability to be independent is the biggest opportunity cost. Not only that, parents always like to compare their children with other people's families, and the best children to draw, and the best piano children to the piano. This is called survivor bias, because the sample itself is the wrong choice, and it will only become more anxious in the comparison. Then there is the anxiety chain, endless, when the child is one or two years old, the anxious child speaks late. After the child can talk, he is anxious that the child is rude and beats people. When the child does not hit anyone, he begins to worry that the child can not learn pinyin. When the child can spell, he begins to worry that the child does not take the initiative to speak in the class. All in all, the anxiety in the front has just disappeared, and the anxiety in the back has followed. This is a typical feature of excessive anxiety, that is, anxiety never disappears with the disappearance of the problem.
"Good" parents should be the "containers" of the child's psychology. When the child has negative emotions that cannot be accepted, such as anxiety and sadness. As a parent, you should tolerate the emotions that the child cannot accommodate, and then digest and absorb this emotion, and transform it into new energy to pass on to the child. Let the child learn to live in peace with this feeling that she could not bear. So how do you do that? First of all, do not create anxiety for the child, and do not transfer the anxiety caused by your fear of the unknown to the child. When the child has anxiety, as a parent, you can chat with him, give him care, and accompany the child to resolve anxiety. Second, believe in the self-growth of children, they are like the sun at eight or nine o'clock, life is full of all kinds of possibilities. As a parent, believe in them and believe that your children can grow into great people. Finally, there is the unconditional love of children. The practice of anxious parents is that only if the child does well in the exam, I will believe him, and only when the child is envied by others, I will be good to him. The consequence of this is that if he doesn't do a good job, he will deny himself and think that he is not worth something beautiful. In the long run, it will cause great psychological pressure to the child, which is not conducive to the healthy growth of the child's body and mind. Unconditional love can cultivate a positive and optimistic attitude towards life, no matter what setbacks they encounter, they will not doubt themselves and deny themselves. So what is unconditional love? It is the message that parents want to pass on to their children, that is, whether you behave well or badly, I love you, and I will always stand behind you and support you. I know it's not easy to do that. However, most of the parents of children who have achieved excellence and have a positive and optimistic personality have the characteristic of containers. You just need to tolerate him and let him decide his own life. I believe that as long as you do your own thing, respect him, love him unconditionally, and be his "container", your child will live his own life and give you a satisfactory answer sheet.