It is for this reason that people are disliked

The author | cong non-conformist

As long as we live, we are full of dislike and abandonment.

In intimate relationships, they will dislike each other for not replying to messages, not washing dishes, playing mobile phones, cooking slowly, making less money, growing fat, dragging oil bottles, being motherly, and having no sense of responsibility... I tried to write down the dislikes I thought of, and the cases I had done over the years kept floating in my brain, feeling that only 4 words could describe these dislikes: it was difficult to read.

In the parent-child relationship, there are more dislikes: disobedience, hard work, stupidity, carelessness, procrastination, impoliteness, lack of concentration, lack of sleep, improper attitude...

Even for unfamiliar people, there are many dislikes: vanity, X, immorality, lack of quality, love of publicity, lowliness, cold-bloodedness, love to cry, love to complain...

Many visitors come to me and ask me:

The other person always dislikes me, what to do.

My answer to this answer is usually to understand why. Understand how abandonment occurs, and you know how to deal with it.

Simply dealing with abandonment on the outside, you can be angry, humble, hurt, complain, correct, but simple external change, the improvement of self and relationships, does not mean much.

You need to know what's behind the abandonment.

We dislike, hate, dislike, blame, control a person, essentially, for one reason: why can't you see me?

Why don't you love me, why don't you take the initiative to care about me, why don't you take the initiative to understand me.

When I hate you for playing with your phone, I actually hate you for ignoring me. How much I long for you to focus on me, to talk to me, to care for me, to tell me how much you love me, to let me know how important I am to you. I am so lost, sad, no one to take care of, no one to comfort, you are still comfortable playing with your mobile phone, so angry.

When I hate you for not washing the dishes, I actually hate why you don't know how hard I work. How much I long for you to understand, to be considerate, to know how much I have paid for this family, how much I want to hear you say, "Hard work, I'll come", how much I hope you can know how difficult I am. How I hope you can accompany me to have fun and do something for this family, two people romantic together.

When I hate you for being fat, I actually hate why you are not willing to change for me. I try to change myself every day and want to make myself better. Why don't you want to change with me. Do you know that the most romantic thing for two people is to change together and become a better version of themselves together? I have worked hard to transform myself alone, do you know how hard I am, how lonely I am? You are so depraved to enjoy yourself. Can I not be angry?

In a workshop, a mother once asked me what to do if my son was always distracted. She is very disgusted with children writing 5 minutes of homework, that is, playing with erasers, playing with pencils, going to the toilet, all kinds of small actions, all kinds of things, just can't be at ease. These things made this mother very angry. I tried to invite a classmate to make a sculpture of her son and said something like this:

Mom, you have paid so much for me, so hard for my study, you are really hard, it is not easy. But I have failed your expectations and made you feel wronged. I also wanted to concentrate, but I was so uncomfortable, I really tried my best.

Then Mom began to burst into tears.

What she couldn't stand was not the child's half-heartedness. Rather: I work so hard for you, why don't you cherish anything. In her subconscious, only by focusing on homework can the child feel that her efforts are meaningful.

We hate passers-by A and love to pretend to be X, in fact, the real language in our hearts is: why should you immerse yourself in feeling good about yourself and not pay attention to me first. We hate passers-by and love to complain, but in fact, the real language in our hearts is: Why are you immersed in your own anger and do not care about me first. We hate passers-by for crying endlessly, and what we really hate is why you are immersed in your own sadness and ignore me.

When we are wronged in our hearts, we can't see others enjoying it. Because their enjoyment is a kind of neglect for us.

We also can't see others immersed in our own feelings, because their immersion is also a kind of neglect for us.

If you really don't like it, just walk away. Why do you want to stay angry? If you really can't walk away, then you patiently change him, which is the most effective way. Why are you angry?

Because you're still waiting for him to give you a response.

In relationships, we need to be responded to.

The way to be responded to is:

You have to take the initiative to see that I am very uncomfortable, wronged, lonely, hard, lost, lonely at this moment, and you have to take the initiative to comfort it. If you ignore these emotions of mine and you are still there to enjoy, to be happy, to be immersed in your own world, I will be very angry with you.

Maybe I don't even know that I have these bad feelings, but I just can't see you so happy, I can't see you so indifferent, I can't see you ignoring my love.

It is precisely because I don't know that I have these bad feelings, and I don't realize that at this moment, I actually need your attention and response, and I can't open my heart to express myself with you. I just want to make you feel bad and feel me in a way that I don't like, I can't get used to it, I don't like it, I hate it.

These unknowing, somewhat conscious but unexpressible, bad feelings that linger in our hearts, the British psychoanalyst Bion called "β elements," meaning intolerable emotions.

Bion divides human emotions into two types: tolerable (α elements) and tolerable (β elements).

The emotions that can be tolerated can be sorted out with thinking, expressed in words, and suppressed with consciousness. We have many ways to deal with it ourselves. Unbearable emotions will only make us feel uncomfortable, and when we meet someone, we want to do it and let another person feel it.

I couldn't stand it, so I passed it on to him and made him feel bad.

What good is it for the subconscious to do this?

We hope to use it as a way to pass on the element of β to another person, to digest it for us, to transform it into α element, to become a comfortable feeling, and then to return it to us.

That's a bit of a brain-wrenching thing to say. Example:

Children do not pay attention to homework, and there are many small actions. This is because he has a lot of unbearable β elements make him uncomfortable and restless. At this time, his subconscious needs to make the mother who accompanies the homework particularly uncomfortable by using small movements and inattention. At this time, the performance of whether a mother is mature or not begins:

Mature Mom: Baby, do you find homework difficult to write and annoy you? It's okay, Mom accompanies you to write slowly.

At this time, the child's β element is understood, it is focused, he knows what is wrong with his heart, and he has become α element. The mother did one thing right, helped the baby express his feelings and thoughts that he could not express for him, and gave him comfort. At this time, the child feels loved, understood, and responded to, and the discomfort can be endured.

Immature Mom: Why are you half-hearted! No pencils allowed! Don't shake your head! No snacks allowed!

At this time, the mother's β elements cannot be digested, and they are passed on to the child in reverse, making the child's β elements more depressed and more uncomfortable. Mom only forces what to do on a behavioral level, without understanding why he's doing it. At this time, the child feels hugely neglected. If it is still unbearable, it will be more difficult, and the two people will fall into a contest.

When he grows up, he still does not have the ability to transform the β element into a α element, and still has to use it as a way to deal with his β elements by means of dislike, pickiness, cold violence, control, etc., hoping to pass it on to others and let others digest it.

This is intergenerational transmission, not anyone's fault. What you didn't learn in your early years, you will still copy in intimate relationships, parent-child relationships.

In fact, at this time, we want others to do for our mother what she did not do.

There are a lot of behaviors in love that we understand very well.

A person often uses breakup, pickiness, control, disgust, and harsh words, in fact, not to hurt the other party, although doing so will indeed hurt the other party, but his motivation at that moment is to desire to get an active response, understanding, and care from the other party.

When a man is doing this, he simply wants to say this:

Why don't you take the initiative to come and love me!

This state still exists in large quantities not only in romantic relationships, but also in parent-child relationships, friend relationships, strange relationships, and husband and wife relationships. It's just that in love, we understand ourselves relatively well, and in other relationships, we are not clearly aware of the psychological activities of ourselves and each other.

At home, the child always loses his temper, the mother should not rush to blame him for how his temper is so big, you have to ask yourself: is there too much neglect of him?

A gentle, competent, virtuous visitor speaks of her husband's pickiness. Her husband often blamed her for cooking slowly, heavy taste, and unclean floors. I'll help her explore: Are you so immersed in housework that you neglect him too much?

When you come home, the food is not cooked well, the floor is dirty, and you will be disgusted. Do you really care about no food and no clean floor? Or do you really care about what I really care about, I work so hard, why don't you know?

A person feels too neglected, he can't say it, he can't even realize it, at this time he just wants to find something to dislike to attract your attention.

If you're hating others, you can try to turn your β into α elements. How?

Be aware and think about why you want to abandon him.

What are your real expectations? Do you really want him to correct it? What satisfaction would you have if he corrected it? Or are you expecting him to have an attitude? A response? A pampering? The content of disgust is only a superficial appearance, just the object you need to borrow the topic to play.

What is the deepest feeling in your heart? Is there anything deeper than anger? Feel the loneliness, loss, grievance, loneliness, hardship, and helplessness in your heart when you want to dislike others. Anger is only a symptom, it's just that you disguise other emotions that can't be described.

If you are rejected by others, resist, avoid, and correct, the most basic 3 methods will not be taught, very unsocial.

The advanced way is this: you can try to turn his β element into α element.

Of course, if you want to. Here's how:

Help him identify. You help him say what he can't say, you help him express his feelings of incision.

Give reassurance. Give him these bad emotions, fears, worries, grievances, some comfort, let him calm down.

At this time, you respond positively, and he will experience your love and become closer to you. At this time, his dislike of you has become a resource for your love.

Everything happens on two levels.

Fact level. When you are disgusted or abandoned, you can do a lot of entanglement, discussion, and dispute on the practical level, how to make food, how to drag the ground, and how people should live. You can figure out a bunch of standards and reach a consensus. Most of us, on a factual level, are caught up in coping.

Subconscious level. When you are disgusted or abandoned, you can think about what the subconscious motivation behind it is, what the needs are. At this time, there is actually nothing about this matter, this matter is just one of the expressions of subconscious motivation.

The response at the factual level is endless. This matter is resolved, and the next similar thing will happen. He hates you for not being able to drag clean, and when you drag clean, he begins to turn to the dislike of cooking too slowly. The mother hates the child's procrastination at school, the child goes to school in time, and the mother begins to dislike writing homework half-heartedly.

You have to learn to look down at what is happening on a subconscious level. Coping on the subconscious level will make you think through and do more with less. Personality and realm will also be upgraded to a higher level.