Article Summary:
A lot of times, we all want to change ourselves, want to make ourselves better and better, especially some people who are mentally unhealthy and have bad relationships.
But we don't know how to do it, or we know how to do it, but we just can't stick to it, or we just don't take the first step for various reasons.
Why? Because consciously you want to make yourself better, but in your subconscious, you don't want to change at all, today we will analyze this problem:
1) It's hard to change yourself, because subconsciously you don't want to change yourself at all
Ninety percent of our mental activity is manipulated by the subconscious mind, which means that every emotion, every choice, has subconscious power behind it, and our rationality and consciousness are often hindsight.
Subconsciously, most of the time we live in the past, and those past, especially the experiences and experiences of childhood, will profoundly affect us now.
For example, what kind of emotions we will have, how we will establish relationships with others, maintain relationships, and this underlying strength comes from the subconscious, and the subconscious mind will abide by this experience.
Because this experience is formed from an early age, it is familiar to us, it is something we have always mastered, even if it has problems, but using it makes us feel safe.
There is a saying called "golden nest and silver nest, not as good as his own kennel", why, because even if he belongs to himself is not good, he is familiar with it, and when he is familiar with it, he has a sense of security.
In our psychology column "100 Lectures on Psychology to Live Your Own Life", we talked from the beginning that when a person is young, how to get along with his parents in the original family and other parents, how he will get along with others when he grows up, he will stick to some of the experiences of the original family, it is difficult to change.
The reason why it is difficult to change is that this deep force is stored in our subconscious, not on the rational and conscious level, and we need to have professionals to help us, and we need to learn this psychological knowledge.
2) From a psychological point of view, it is dangerous to quickly make a person change
People want to change themselves quickly, even in psychological counseling, they change slowly, will attack themselves, complain about themselves, dislike themselves, do not know that it is dangerous to quickly make a change, because your personality is good or bad, it has protected you.
For example, a person with a sensitive personality, his sensitivity has caused him some trouble now, but when he was young, sensitivity was a way for him to protect himself, which was good for him, which is what we have always said, and personality is a set of self-defense collections in the end.
It's just that now that I've grown up, the environment has changed, and the original set of self-protection methods is not applicable, so there is a problem, but we have thought about it, although the original self-protection method is not very applicable, but it still has a certain protective effect,
If we want to completely abandon the original self-defense system, this requires us to develop a new defense system, which takes time, otherwise it is to put ourselves in a dangerous environment.
And to quickly let a person change, which for himself, is urging, is persecuting, he must be patient with himself, just like a loving parent or teacher to a child, to accommodate his emotions, encourage and support him.
In counseling, I often meet clients who are eager to change themselves, and if they change slowly, complain about themselves and blame themselves, this self-attack method will only make their problems more and more serious.
3, change yourself, to do so
There is nothing wrong with wanting to change oneself, this is a manifestation of a person's high requirements for their own growth, but this requires methods and skills, and we will discuss this topic below.
The second is the need to help themselves with the help of external forces, a person's personality is formed in more than ten years, or even decades, very strong, need to rely on external forces to loosen it, such as with the help of external relations.
Establish a relationship with a person, really get along, really interact, to "collide", don't give up the relationship as soon as you encounter "tension" in the relationship, end the relationship, don't give up, so that after a long time, the personality will loosen.
For example, I have a client, she is a woman in her thirties, always expect others to understand herself, to satisfy herself, when getting along with others, as long as the other party has different opinions, as long as the other party does not respond to her the way she wants, she will no longer contact the other party and end the relationship.
I told her that adults need to communicate and clarify, can not self-imagination, think that the other party is not responding to you the way you want, that is, she is hostile to you, you should communicate with each other, let the other party explain his own ideas, even if two people have contradictions, there is an argument, do not be afraid, frank expression, will deepen the relationship, this is a good thing.
Then if in real life, there is a lack of such a relationship, a lack of in-depth communication, and even a strong relationship that quarrels, you can find a psychological counselor and establish a relationship with a psychological counselor, which is essentially the same principle, but psychological counseling is professionally trained and will not leave you, which will make you feel more secure.
Finally, there is the transfer of relationship experience, to transfer good relationship experience to more relationships, such as when you are with a friend, you communicate frankly, your emotional feelings are good, your relationship has become better, then you have to migrate such experience to more relationships.
The experience gained in psychological counseling should also be transferred in this way, and slowly a person will have a big change, there is no shortcut to change, and the above process is currently the most used by us.
Well, the above is what we discussed as "it is difficult to change yourself, because subconsciously you don't want to change at all, if you want to change, do it", let's summarize it briefly.
It's hard to change yourself, because subconsciously you don't want to change at all, just do it if you want to change:
1, it is difficult to change yourself, because subconsciously, you may not want to change at all, our personality is formed in the original family, when we are very young, when we are with parents and other parents, the formation of this experience is stored in our subconscious, we will abide by this experience when we grow up.
2, personality is a person to protect their own collection, if a person quickly change themselves, he will lose the strategy of self-protection, he may be helpless, "naked" in a dangerous situation, which is dangerous.
3, to change themselves, first of all, do not attack yourself, secondly, you need to use external forces, and then accumulate experience, from small to large, and transfer the experience learned.
Well, this is just one of the sections of our column "Live Your Own Psychology Lesson 100 Lectures", if the above content touches you and you have a little feeling, then don't miss this opportunity, read more of the previous chapters, and see you in the next section!
Author Mr. | Xiang: Psychological counselor, psychological writer, published the work "The Bondage of the Original Family".