"Parents are the child's base camp, and only if the base camp is rich and stable enough, the child can start from here and go further afield."
This thought-provoking sentence comes from "Get along with children like this", written by Liu Yonghao.
Many parents have fallen into the misunderstanding that they can raise their children with knowledge and skills, but when they really get along with their children, especially when contradictions break out, they forget all the communication methods they have learned, say a lot of hurtful words, and regret themselves afterwards;
There are also many people who strive to be the parents they envisioned in childhood, but forget that their children have their own unique temperament and development trajectory, and they also have unique personality, family and relationship patterns;
As a parent, I always find that my child has many problems, but I ignore that I have problems myself;
Many parents want to try to develop more skills in their children, but they forget the core of the parent-child relationship - laughing and growing up with their children...
Explore ways to unlock education from your parents
Many parents fall into the "knowledge and skill of raising children can be misunderstood" this is the first sentence in the book's introduction.
When parents have experienced childhood, adolescence, and beautiful love before becoming parents, and the expectation of entering marriage to enjoy a better life, why after becoming parents, especially mothers, they have become terrible adults who forget to fly themselves and constantly exert pressure around their children.
This is also the reason why the author himself wrote the book, because it is due to intuitive facts:
She comes from a family of teachers, her parents are teachers, and there are many teachers in her family, according to the saying, teaching and educating people, will know more about educating children, but there are also some teachers who are more likely to overly control or even force their children, seriously compressing children's mental space.
In fact, it is also because my heart is compressed.
In the book, an example is a mother who feels that everything around her is bad, and she walks on a tightrope, with a sea of knives and fire on one side and a cliff on the other, constantly disintegrating in constant balance.
It wasn't until I realized the depression in my life, accepted a year of psychological counseling, and began to look at the people and things around me, that I found the beauty of my family and the people around me, and determined a better way of life.
This also shows that as the first responsible person for educating children, especially the mother occupies the largest, it is most likely to collapse in the process of taking the baby.
If you can't get a good way quickly from your child, you need to find a way to optimize your life in yourself first, only in this way can you balance your family and your own world, and don't fall into the sadness of being unable to extricate yourself.
The quality of the parent's inner space determines the child's growth space
There is a sentence in "Get along with the child like this":
"In the process of children's development and growth, the quality of parents' inner space directly determines what kind of growth space they provide for their children."
Parenting is self-nurturing, and the parent's inner state, that is, space, will affect their way of getting along with their children.
If the inner state of the parent is anxious and too tense, then her requirements for the child must also be very high, so that the child who grows up in high pressure and high standards will also tend to pursue perfect attention and extremely high requirements for himself.
In fact, this kind of child is also suffering from the anxiety of the parents, and the parents have also transferred their anxiety to the children, and the children feel the pressure in the parents, rather than relaxation and happiness.
When there is conflict and contradiction in many families, every member of the family is often trapped in anger and disappointment.
And there is rarely curiosity and interest in the other party: what kind of person is he at that moment, and why did he do such a thing at that moment? If we want to knock on the door of the other person's heart, it is important to have a gentle, non-intrusive curiosity.
The greatest value of "curiosity" is to put aside the evaluation of right and wrong, good or bad, and just to see what happened.
As parents, we are all independent adults, so we first tidy up our own large rooms to really improve the small rooms where our children are located. So, what characteristics should a good enough adult space have?
First, establish clear boundaries and flexible connections with the outside environment.
We can firmly keep out the door of things that hurt us or that we don't want to accept, which is what we often say, we are aggressive enough to protect ourselves, protect our families, protect our children, and establish clear boundaries with the outside world.
Second, establish a warm inner space that ensures clear boundaries.
In a family space, focus not only on warmth, love, protection and support, but also on the boundaries within the family relationship. In an adult's inner space, a good sense of boundaries is the guarantee of protecting and maintaining vitality.
Third, look for the joy of life.
As a parent, we must first focus on our own personal development, establish our own inner space as an independent, vital, clear and very interesting space, and constantly pursue self-change and maturity.
For example, learning drama, reading, painting, these can become the driving force of our lives. Because only when we have a mature and stable inner space can we provide a good nurturing space for our children.
Rosalyn D'Kaso said:
"For those whose hearts are filled with joy, all the processes are wonderful."
Only when the parents' inner state is relaxed and confident, the child's growth will really happen, not hindered, to change and affect the child, parents must first adjust their inner space and state.
Organize and summarize reasonable space to contain each other's emotions
In the process of raising children, the most important thing is to be able to establish a good relationship foundation with children.
At the same time, to be able to establish stable boundaries and rules for this relationship, and to establish a good relationship foundation with the child, the most important and first thing to do is to be able to empathize with the child.
We live in a variety of spaces, houses, companies, cars, etc., all have their own objects and emotions, and the ways of existence are also diverse.
One of the famous psychoanalysts of Bion's patients once said to him, "I can't accommodate these things," and the phrase "Bion" also engraved in his heart, so he proposed the important concept that "the accommodating and the contained are one of the elements of psychoanalysis."
Bion also proposed:
"The pattern of love exists in the relationship between mother and baby, and they can both grow together through the experience of being accommodated and accommodated."
To understand the child's emotions and needs, when the child is fully capable of controlling and regulating their emotions, parents only need to follow the child's guidance, but when the child's emotional collapse, parents should also be able to maintain their emotional stability, moderate lead the child's emotions.
Sharing space with children requires parents to maintain curiosity about children, and focus on children's sharing, and use descriptive language rather than evaluation for their sharing, because any evaluative language will invisibly bring adult values into the child's world.
In order to get the approval of their parents, children will constantly revise themselves to conform to their parents' values.
We can also establish a sharing space with children in the family, in this sharing space, we can play with children, we can have a lot of communication with children, in this sharing space, we will have the opportunity to understand children in depth, and we will also let children be closer to us.
If we can establish such a sharing space with our children, we can also use this space to establish relationships with other adults, and it will definitely promote our interpersonal relationships and intimate relationships.
When a child comes into this world, the world is completely foreign to him, and it is important to establish rules, but it is more important that parents should always maintain their stability and authority.
In the face of the rules, the child will inevitably resist, at this time, parents need to calmly face the child's aggressive behavior and negative emotions, and stick to their own position.
Experience it first-hand, don't make a big deal out of it. The relationship between parents and children often does not depend on what the parents say, but on what they say and do; the relationship between parents and children is often communication and interaction on a subconscious level.
Parents who can arrange their lives richly and interestingly are the best demonstration and guidance for their children.
As a parent, we must learn to look at the child with the vision of development, pay attention to the healthy development of the child in terms of physiology, learning ability, interpersonal relationships, hobbies, self-identity, etc., and at the same time constantly adjust the rules and boundaries and communication methods according to the child's development.
Guide them to take on more housework and take proper care of others, so as to help children develop a sense of responsibility and ability to get along with others.
Write at the end
Growing space, tell parents to love their children correctly, but also to love themselves correctly, and grow up with their children;
In the empathy space, parents grasp the degree of emotion, do not use verbal violence, emotional violence and domestic violence children;
In the sharing space, parents need to enter their children's world, listen to their children's stories, and share their joys in growing up with each other.
Master these three points, be an excellent parent, and give your child the best native family.
For children, there is a passage that describes it like this:
Don't seek the perfection of the child, don't have to fight for my face, and don't have to help me retire.
As long as this life exists healthily, walking through this beautiful world gives me the opportunity to walk with them for a while...
So, tell yourself: love your children in a different way!
As long as she is healthy, happy and safe, enough...
Sukhomlinsky said:
"In the family, the smallest laughter of a child is the great spiritual motivation that enables parents to understand unity and be consolidated."
Some readers commented that "Getting Along with Children Like This" is a book with a psychological perspective, and some people say that it is a book that interprets itself, and everyone has a growing childhood shadow in their hearts, and everyone has their own introduction.
Life is a practice, don't just focus on cultivating children, self-cultivation is also, grow together to achieve a state of mutual satisfaction.
After reading this article, I also hope that parents who are caught in confusion and educational anger can calm some emotions, the long road is long, and the development of children also needs parents' understanding.
Click "Watching" and may children and parents grow together.
END