Recently, the TV series "Heart Residence" exploded, and Feng Xiaoqin, played by Haiqing, cried without tears when her husband was sent to the hospital in an accident, which made netizens call out "goosebumps are up".
Feng Xiaoqin in the play from housewife to widow with a baby alone, the ups and downs of life experience to see people hurt, in reality, many people after watching the play will have some resonance because of this sadness in the play.
There is an issue of "Strange Story" with the title of "Will you be a single mother?"
Teacher Zhang Quanling said, "Do you think that when you have a marriage, you are not a single mother?" ”
In "You're Not an Island," Ealing, a 35-year-old organizer who opened a storage studio two years ago, has accrued acclaim in the industry with a good reputation. Her 5-year-old son is healthy and sunny.
Ealing felt that his life and career were moving positively. If there is anything unsatisfactory, it is that her husband Tu Fei has been in a very poor state recently.
Tu Fei lost his job a few months ago and was in a bad mental state. He stayed at home doing nothing, increasingly depressed, and did not even bother to take the broom. Tu Fei not only looked more confused and decadent, but also became irritable and irritable.
Behind this marriage is a serious imbalance.
01
What causes the imbalance in the relationship between husband and wife?
One partner in a marriage loses a sense of self-worth, and the collateral chain reaction is likely to be burnout on life and work as well.
Most families should have equal relationships at the beginning of marriage, and both parties have similar good wishes for each other and for a common life. As the years passed, on a psychological and practical level, one side stood higher and higher, while the other retreated to a low place.
When one party relieves a lot of the burden of reality, the motivation of the other party may also be blocked, and both parties cannot find a suitable place in the family – the wife never seems to take her husband's intentions and thoughts seriously, always arranging everything alone, without his effort.
Over time, the husband will feel that he is becoming more and more insignificant, and the depression and dissatisfaction in his heart will increase day by day. He was less and less involved in family affairs, and felt that his views did not have much value anyway.
The source of the imbalance in the relationship is the imbalance in the inner self-image of the two people.
In family relationships, we unconsciously choose to be independent, but the deeper desire in our hearts is actually to be tolerated and cared for by the other party. Especially for men in the marriage relationship, the husband unconsciously accepts the role of being managed and cared for by women, but his heart is actually eager to exert his male power and exert his influence on the family.
Both men are stubborn in dealing with problems in the way they are used to, without establishing a real partnership.
There is no natural partner in this world, who is not willing to enter marriage because of a "love" word? When everyone enters marriage, they may have the desire to open up and integrate with each other, hoping that the new family can make up for everything they once lacked.
This is the driving force of marriage. However, when faced with real setbacks that involve self-change, we often choose to be conservative and defensive.
Is the husband really a completely passive, even selfish and incompetent man?
Is the wife really a strong woman who is willing to be alone forever and does not need the help of her husband?
Maybe these are all tendencies in personality, but by no means all. Solidified relationship patterns come from mutual reinforcement day after day.
The mode of getting along in widowed marriages has always been independent, and neither has revealed deeper self-needs and inner vulnerability and anxiety. In other words, both parties in this relationship are avoiding true intimacy and turning the marriage dance into their own one-man show.
02
What can be done to achieve a balance in the marital relationship?
Many people think that as long as there is love, marriage can always be happy. However, falling in love is easy to get along with. Most intimate relationship problems have nothing to do with love itself, but with knowing how to manage intimate relationships.
Love is pure, getting along is a relationship, and a person who has management wisdom in intimate relationships will manage himself inward and manage relationships outward.
1. Two people who cooperate with each other can find the balance of love
Humans are social animals, and the more intimate the relationship, the more important it is to us. We need relationships, but sometimes we are confused about why relationships are a burden on life.
If an adult in a very important relationship, always feels that he is not supported, chooses to bear alone, leads to internal imbalance, feels painful disappointment, it may mean that the imbalance of inner feelings has a more profound cause.
In fact, many people in marriage, when encountering practical difficulties or inner vulnerability, obviously need the support of their lovers, but feel isolated and helpless, preferring to carry everything on their own, and then experiencing complex emotions in physical and mental exhaustion - self-pity, depression, sadness, and even anger.
A happy marriage is not just about living together, both parties support each other's aspirations and ambitions, and integrate into a common goal for life.
2. Use nonviolent communication in intimate relationships
We always talk to each other in a tone of accusation, complaint, and command, without explicitly asking each other for help and calmly expressing our needs. We don't know what the outcome will be, or whether the other person will regain their enthusiasm for life and shoulder their responsibilities.
In the depths of our hearts, we no longer require ourselves to go forward alone, we want to invite the other half of the intimate relationship to share the burden of life for the common life, we should see our true needs, and bravely open their mouths to express and communicate.
"The language of love", it can help us express emotions correctly, alleviate the obstacles of intimate relationships, and obtain a harmonious and happy marriage.
3, there is no perfect partner, learn to take the initiative to grow in marriage
To fall in love with ourselves wholeheartedly and unreservedly, to accept a complete self unconditionally, and we must accept not only the superficial self, but also the completely unknown self hidden beneath the appearance, and accept it with joy no matter what the situation.
When one tends to seek a definite, bonded relationship to place oneself in one's own self, one unconsciously abandons the integrity and possibility of a part of one's self. Past relationships have limited two people in a marriage to their most familiar roles, even if they are dissatisfied with each other, but do not have to reflect on themselves.
Whether to maintain an old relationship or present a new self is a difficult choice in the growth of marriage. In the marriage relationship, we must take the initiative to make changes and take the initiative to expose our true selves.
The efforts of one person cannot support the marriage of two people. True growth requires taking risks; only by embracing uncertainty and expressing your true needs to each other can you get a more authentic, deeper, and more intimate relationship.