Source | Cuckoo Mama
Hello everyone, this is Dumb Daddy Parenting.
Someone in the baoma group asked: "What should I do if I reason with my child and he doesn't listen?" ”
This question, many parents have expressed their agreement:
As soon as the child goes to the street, he has to buy toys, and all the things he buy are owned by the family. Reason with him over and over again, not only did he not listen, but he also threw himself on the ground.
Tell the child not to throw water on the ground, the floor is slippery and will fall, he just takes your words as the wind in your ears.
Ask your child to wear a coat or get sick when it's cold. Don't listen to anything.
......
I don't know if you've ever encountered a similar situation: telling your child the truth over and over again, at first he may still listen, but then, he either doesn't listen or acts as if he didn't hear it.
Is there a problem with your child's ears?
Apparently not.
Many parents in the process of parenting, will be troubled by this problem: "Children do not listen, and even resist our reasoning." ”
What's going on here? What should we say before the child will listen?
01.
The 7/38/55 law
There is a law in psychology called the "Myrabin Rule," also known as the "7/38/55 Law." It's about the information we perceive when we're communicating with someone:
55% by looking, such as our gestures, expressions, attitudes, body language, etc.;
38% is through listening, such as the tone of voice, tone, speed, voice size, etc. when we speak;
Only the remaining 7% is purely specific.
In other words, when we reason with a child, he can really hear only 7%. And the remaining 93%, he's looking at your body language and listening to your tone of voice.
And if our body language and tone are angry and roaring, the child's brain will perceive the crisis, and at this moment there will be three reactions in his mind: attack, escape, and stay.
(Consider that we argue with our partners, even if what you are saying is true, but the partner either does not listen or fights back.) ）
A younger child, when listening to us talk about "reasoning", he may be looking at you in a daze (staying). And a child who knows how to resist may resist (fight back) or pretend not to hear (escape).
Your child's brain receives 93% of your body language, but it doesn't receive the 7% of what you want to express the most. So you have to say it over and over again.
However, studies have shown that the frequency of repetition and the effect of persuasion are "inverted u curves".
That is to say, after the right number of times, the more you talk and the more you nag, the worse the effect of convincing the other party.
02.
The child has his reason
In addition to the fact that body language accounts for a large proportion of us when we are "reasoning", there is also a situation that children have their own ideas.
● Children before the age of 6 are self-centered.
Psychologist Piaget did a famous experiment called the "Three Mountains" experiment: the staff and the child sat face to face at both ends of the table, with several rockeries in the middle.
The researcher asked the child what he saw, and the child told the truth. Then, the researcher asked the child what the staff saw, and the child's answer was still the same as before.
Piaget uses this experiment to tell us that the child in early childhood is self-centered, he can only see the world from his own point of view, and it is difficult to recognize the views of others.
That is, you are not allowed to sprinkle water on the floor, because in your opinion, the floor is dirty and difficult to clean. But in the child's place, he doesn't realize this point of view, he just thinks it's funny.
And if you stop him and don't let him play, he can't understand it, and he can't listen to your reasoning.
● After the age of 6, although the child is detached from "self-centeredness" to a certain extent, at this time, he begins to have his own ideas.
Your truth is your truth, and he has his own reasoning. For example, you say, "You have to study hard, or you won't be able to grow up when you grow up." ”
If the child does not want to listen, he will refute you: "I can be a star, an Internet celebrity, as long as I can sing, dance and dress up." Or, "I can be a professional gamer without having to study hard." ”
You have your reason, he has his reason, and he doesn't like to be defeated by your reason.
For these reasons, you will find that the "rebellion" of the child comes sooner and later. At first, your reasoning still works, but slowly, the child will take your words as the wind in his ears, and the left ear will go in and out of the right ear.
03.
High-level parents make good use of the method
You may say, "As a parent, don't you reason with your child and teach him the rules of being a human being?" ”
The reason why we "reason" with our children is that we hope that he can act in the right way, act in line with social expectations, and have good moral character and not take detours.
But in fact, there are many ways to get children to behave well. Reasoning is the next step. We can try to do these two things:
Follow the guidelines
Whether in a parent-child relationship or an intimate relationship, we can follow one rule: I want you to change because I want you to love me, not because you're wrong.
For example, if a child spills water on the ground, you educate him with reason, in fact, you tell him: you are wrong to do this.
No one loves to be blamed and beaten, including children. But if you say, "You spill the water on the ground, and I'll slip and fall later." And I'm going to mop the floor, I'm going to be tired and my arm hurts. ”
The child is willing to change because he loves you, not because he is wrong.
And then there's: praise the kids.
Everyone doesn't like to be blamed and picked, but everyone loves to be praised and encouraged. Especially the child, he wants to be recognized by his parents, accepted by his parents, and praised by his parents.
Of course, what we call "exaggeration" is not unfounded exaggeration, blind exaggeration (such as "you are so good" and "you are awesome" and other suggestions are less used), which will make the child rely too much on praise.
We praise children, we have to be skillful.
There's a praise model: the FFC model — fact facts, feeling feelings, compare comparisons.
For example, children don't like to do housework, and they don't clean up their own things, and you say it countless times without changing. Well, you might as well give up nagging, put away your temper, and watch carefully.
Observe what?
Observe your child's strengths in this regard. Even if he just threw the confetti in the trash, you took the opportunity to boast:
Fact: I threw the paper in the trash without even reminding you.
Feeling: It makes me feel relieved, and I'm really happy to see the ground kept clean.
Compare: You see how accurate you throw, more accurate than ever (compared to himself).
Believe me, these words will make your child slowly change and do more behaviors that meet your expectations. This approach applies to all aspects of life.
For example, if a child procrastinates in doing homework, then he always has a time to procrastinate, right? Or even if he procrastinates, there's always something good in his homework, right? Even if it's a word, or his attitude at a certain moment, we can use praise to motivate him to move in a good direction.
There is a saying in "Positive Discipline" that only when a child feels better, he can do better.
Blame makes people withdraw, encouragement makes people move forward. Throw away the "reasoning", find the highlights from the child, find out the advantages, and desperately praise him and encourage him every day.
Low-level parents like to be non-stop reasonable. And high-level parents, will do these 2 things well, your child, it is difficult to think of excellence.
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