Since the implementation of the "double reduction" policy, children's homework and off-campus subject training have decreased, and there is more time for self-control outside the classroom. Many parents are relieved because they do not need to be "rolled up" by others, and they can be liberated financially and spiritually. Some parents are also more anxious, worried that the homework will reduce the child's slackness, and worry that more management will lead to more parent-child conflicts. These overly anxious parents may not understand the essence of "double reduction", ostensibly to reduce the academic burden of students and the economic burden of families, but the essence is to build a good educational ecology, implement the fundamental task of Lide tree people, and promote the all-round development and healthy growth of children.
As parents, we reduce stress rather than responsibility. Parents are the child's first teachers and important others in the child's development. "What to cultivate, how to cultivate people, and for whom to cultivate people" is not only a question for educators to think about, but also a problem for parents to ponder. The success of family education is really not how good the child's grades are, how high the status is, how big the family business is, etc., but he loves life, loves life, can manage himself within the scope of his ability, adapt to the environment, and take responsibility, of course, this requires parents to establish a correct educational concept, master scientific education methods, and cultivate children into physical and mental health, sound personality, which is not only the purpose of "double reduction", but also the most valuable gift that parents give their children to benefit for a lifetime.
Encourage interaction and increase your child's sense of belonging
Everyone has the need to belong, the child needs to be accepted by people, the child belongs to his family in the early years, and a person can form a safe maternal and infant attachment relationship in early childhood, which will have a certain impact on the child's personality. After school, children belong to the class and peer group. Good interpersonal relationships not only meet the child's need to belong, but also enhance the ability to resist setbacks, so that the child is healthier and more active, more dare to meet challenges, and love life more.
The World Education Innovation Summit (WISE) and the China Institute of Education Innovation of Beijing Normal University jointly released the research report "Facing the Future: Global Experiences of Core Literacy Education in the 21st Century". The report analyzes the 21st Century Core Literacy Framework of 24 economies, including China, and 5 international organizations. The results show that the first of the seven qualities that are most valued by economies and international organizations is communication and cooperation. Good communication and cooperation skills are not only an important factor in a person's happiness, but also the most important ability that the future world needs to have. A Harvard university study proves that the key to happiness in life is love, warmth and intimacy.
A person with good interpersonal relationships, in the face of setbacks, he may choose to make a joke about himself, sweat and vent with friends, and accept the comfort and encouragement of his family, these "coping methods" can help a person quickly enter a virtuous circle of health and excitement. On the contrary, a person without social support often does not get help when encountering setbacks and needs to heal his wounds alone.
While communicating with their children on an equal footing, parents should encourage their children to interact with others and learn to express, listen and empathize in their interactions. In the process of interacting with people, increase their sense of value, efficacy, sense of meaning, and improve their positive emotions.
Understand trust and develop a sense of self-efficacy in children
In the face of children after the "double reduction", some parents are very anxious, worried that their children will not manage their own time, play greedily, study badly to affect the future, play mobile phones or watch TV addiction, etc., which makes parents worried. Therefore, repeated reminders, many instructions, non-stop nagging, eager to be like a helicopter, always hovering above the child, observation, supervision, guidance, all-round control of the child. Parents are physically and mentally exhausted, and children are full of complaints. Behind the many worries of parents, on the surface, the parents' concern and love for their children are actually parents' distrust and distrust of their children.
Parents can involve their children in family activities, so that children fully feel that they are part of the family and the group, and take on their own responsibilities. First, you can give your child the freedom to make decisions on small things, and then expand the scope of things he may decide. As a child ages and increases his abilities, parents can allow him to complete more difficult tasks, thus giving the child a sense of self-efficacy in completing tasks. Once the child feels that he has the ability to deal with problems, he internalizes the belief that "I am a capable and trustworthy person". This belief will push him to strive to be such a person, more confident and self-disciplined. Of course, giving children space does not mean that parents do not pay attention when children face setbacks, conflicts and pain. At this time, parents should stand by the child's side in time, give the child specific guidance and help, and help the child get through the difficulties.
Children who are trusted by their parents have the courage to face challenges, manage themselves, and take responsibility. Undoubtedly, this is the most valuable spiritual wealth that parents give to their children.
Let it go appropriately and give your child a sense of success
After the "double subtraction", the child has more independent choices and self-controlled time, which requires the child to have his own ability to manage himself. Modern social change is accelerating, more and more uncertainty, more and more need children to have their own ability to find problems, analyze problems, solve problems and make their own decisions. These abilities do not arise in a vacuum, but need to be strengthened and cultivated in the process of continuous practice. Because only by trying can you succeed. And if you try, you can't avoid making mistakes.
Children are children after all, and sometimes things that are well-intentioned do not necessarily have good results. For example, the first time a child cooks, it may not be delicious, and parents should also actively encourage and affirm their efforts, so that he has a positive emotional experience, and will continue to do it next time. Otherwise, with a single blow, he might not have walked into the kitchen again. Parents should encourage the positive aspects, not seek full blame, and pour out the small flame of positivity. Each child has its own advantages and disadvantages, parents must learn to let go moderately, gracefully withdraw, in order to cultivate the child's psychological quality and psychological flexibility, hone the ability to withstand failures and setbacks, and have more ability to cope with uncertainty and challenges.
Especially adolescent children, they psychologically want independence, but they want to get the understanding and support of their parents. Parents should see the growth of their children, maintain a relationship of "advancing and retreating", be in me when needed, and pay far attention when not needed. Those excessive intervention and control on the grounds of not being at ease are essentially parents who do not believe in the child's ability, do not accept the imperfection of a growing child, and deprive the child of the opportunity to grow independently, exercise and improve, and be self-responsible, which is essentially hindering the growth of the child. Allowing children to gradually have the ability to face challenges independently is the most sincere, warm and wise love. Love without boundaries is itself a shackle on the child, and one day the child will be breathless.
Manage emotions and give your child enough security
Parents' emotional stability, family harmony, and unconditional love for their children, whether "double subtraction" or not, are the source of children's sense of security, belonging, and value, and they are also the basis for their sound personality, good adaptation, and happy life. Especially when the child is young, his self-consciousness is not yet mature, and his parents are his world, that is, he sees himself in the eyes of his parents. If parents do not control their emotions and show some overly extreme reactions in front of their children, they will cause psychological trauma to their children, and they are likely to form some post-traumatic stress disorder in their future lives, and even develop personality disorders. Even if it is not a huge traumatic experience, parents often cause their emotions to lose control because of work pressure, husband and wife relationships, family disputes, or because they feel that their children are naughty and mischievous, and they do not like to study. In fact, this is all parents who transfer their own pressure, helplessness and anger to their children, making them a scapegoat for parents' emotions and emotional garbage shelters. These traumatic experiences will affect the formation of children's psychological functions, lack of security and sense of value, dare not have their own propositions, trembling, always worried about being abandoned by others, always worried about making mistakes, and dare not establish intimate relationships.
Of course, controlling emotions doesn't mean no emotions. When emotions occur, parents should regulate emotions in a reasonable way, and cannot become slaves to emotions. For example, self-reminder, with the help of inner language to remind yourself, such as "impulse is the devil", "to be calm", "angry does not solve the problem" and so on. There is also a time delay in the outbreak of passion, such as doing abdominal breaths several times before you want to get angry, and the passion will calm down a lot. You can also make your emotions within a controllable range by talking, exercising, cognitive regulation, diverting attention, etc., without being able to transfer your emotions to the weakest and least resistant child in the family. Controlling your emotions is a compulsory course for parents, and it is the best gift that parents can give to their children.
Advice is good to the ear, reducing the sense of resistance to education
As the saying goes, good medicine is good for the sick, and advice is good for the ear. Having been a psychology teacher for many years and having been in contact with many students who come to counsel, I have a different understanding of this sentence. Parents hope that their children will become dragons, but a piece of good intentions may be because of improper ways or poor statements, but it has caused pressure on children, hurts self-esteem, and then affects the parent-child relationship, produces resistance, and the educational effect cannot be talked about.
In fact, everyone has the desire to succeed and be encouraged. Most of the children who do not care on the surface are because they have been unable to get a sense of accomplishment from the interaction with their parents, unable to get a successful experience, and the superficial indifference covers up the helpless maintenance of self-esteem, since I "don't care", it is not sad not to be recognized.
Pleasant experiences can increase the frequency of behavior and are the reason for the formation of many interests. When parents' criticism of their children does not work, they can take positive reinforcement, change the original focus on negative behavior into the words of positive behavior, turn the original accusations and complaints about problems into an affirmation and expectation of good behavior, and praise those behaviors that we want him to appear. To be praised and have a positive emotional experience, the child is willing to do this, and as the child's positive behavior continues to increase, his sense of self-worth and self-efficacy will continue to increase. Once the upward and good power of the individual's heart is stimulated, it will have a certain butterfly effect, good behavior continues to occur, and bad behavior continues to decrease.
While parents are selfless and highly responsible for students, they must also consciously pay attention to their own expressions, look for the shining points in them, and transform the advice of the reverse ear into positive expectations and trust, which can not only avoid parent-child conflict, but also create a warm and harmonious psychological compatibility and spiritual communication of parent-child relationship, so that the educational effect is positive and effective.
Reasonable expectations, avoid excessive frustration
Loving children needs to be appropriate, and expectations also have scale and proportion. Some parents have too high requirements for their children, especially after the "double reduction", seeing children do things that have nothing to do with learning, they are anxious, always feel bottomless, see children playing mobile phones or watching TV, the heart can not help but want to be angry, always hope that children can immediately self-management, self-restraint, for this reason, rarely or almost do not praise, affirm the child, sometimes even if they know that the child is indeed doing a good job, they are also worried that praise will make the child proud, so they will show dissatisfaction with the child, and even blow and belittle. Parents hope that through their own strict education, they can motivate their children to develop better, which is a manifestation of high expectations and low trust for children, utilitarianism and short-sightedness.
Once the child internalizes the belittling and harsh rebuke of his parents, he will think that he is the parents' evaluation of such a bad, non-effort, ignorance, procrastination, such a child will be cautious, lack of security, low self-esteem, low sense of value. Because he felt that he was not good enough, he did not dare to associate with people, and he seemed withdrawn and withdrawn in the crowd. I dare not put forward my needs and wishes with others, because I feel that I am not worthy and unworthy. By adolescence, some children may also be accustomed to identifying with their parents' disparaging evaluations of him, believing that they are not good enough, and experiencing more frustration, helplessness, and hopelessness. There are also some children who have a certain degree of self-development, psychological, verbal and behavioral resistance, passive sabotage, perfunctory, quarrelsome, and even physical collisions. There is also a more serious resistance, that is, self-attack, children have no way to express their dissatisfaction with their parents, complaints and grievances and pain that are not recognized, they can only vent to themselves, so self-harm, depression, and various discomforts of the body will be manifested, causing some hidden dangers of psychological problems.
A student who did not want to go to school came to counseling, he said that no matter what he did, he always failed to meet the requirements of his parents, felt that he was useless, could not do anything, is a person who adds troubles and burdens to his parents, it is simply a burden to the family. A child who lacks a sense of value and security and is inherently desolate, who has the strength to develop a better self?
Self-esteem is the spiritual pillar of a person's growth, the cornerstone of goodness, and the internal driving force for self-development. Parents look at their children with a developmental vision, find their advantages and encourage and affirm them, improve their children's self-esteem, self-confidence and self-efficacy, and be able to actively adapt in different environments and work and live peacefully, which is the foundation for the happiness and health of children's lives.
Source of the article: Public number heart forest
Written by: Yu Miaomiao
Editor: Yu Miaomiao
Review: Wu Guowei
![After the "double subtraction", why are more and more children pessimistic when they seem to be happy?[fig]](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAP///wAAACwAAAAAAQABAAACAkQBADs=)