Keep up with the video of the little nephew of the third grade, the parents chatted for a long time, and the more they talked, the more they felt that the child was really "lost".
Ask him if he has the confidence to enter a key high school? He replied: "The gap between the entrance examination and the examination is not big, anyway, the elimination rate is there, there are always people who will not be able to pass the examination, why can't this person be me?" "I was speechless...
Ask him what he's reviewing? He replied: All "double subtraction", we are now learning all by self-awareness, anyway, junior high school that little thing will be seen a few times more. this...... That's it...? How many more times will you watch it? It was as if I didn't know his grades...
Anyway, as long as you reason with him, he can always have a hundred reasons to tell you: "What is the struggle?" It's good to lie flat! ”。 I sometimes wonder: Is it that now the exam does not publish the results, the test is not ranked, resulting in the child experiencing too little competition, so that when he encounters competition, he habitually lies flat?
After observing it, I found that the little nephew was not an isolated case, and the children who were about the same age around him seemed to be quite "mournful". Their general characteristic is that they will "cheat" for a period of time, and when they encounter a little difficulty, they will immediately lie flat on the ground, and shout in their mouths: "Why cling to that vain result!" ”
Sometimes I'm really afraid: I accidentally let these children all four empty.
Why is it that the more children reduce stress, the more pessimistic they become?
Recently, I watched "Teaching optimistic children" and found that two concepts mentioned by author Martin Seligman can explain this phenomenon.
Martin Seligman divides people's feelings about the status quo into two states: "feeling satisfied" and "performing satisfied" states. The difference between them is:
"Feeling satisfied" refers to a state of feeling after one's own values, desires, and rights have been affirmed. Happiness, satisfaction, pride, etc. are all in this state.
"Performance satisfaction" is the affirmation of one's own "ability".
This explanation is a bit abstract, let's give an example to distinguish it. For example, the premise is that the child fails the exam.
Parents who seek to be "satisfied" will say, "You're smart, just sloppy." The child is not only happy to hear it, but also feels that he is quite smart, just a little sloppy.
Parents who seek "performance satisfaction" take a completely different approach: they do not blindly comfort their children, but work with their children to find the cause of failure. Where did you lose points, and what are the knowledge points to be examined? This helps children consolidate their knowledge and find ways to improve their grades. Ability improves, the next exam children will inevitably achieve good results, children will be happy.
In general, "feeling satisfied" seems to be encouraging children, but in fact, it is depriving children of opportunities for self-reflection and self-improvement, and they will slowly become powerless over time. On the other hand, "performance satisfaction" is to empower children with practical actions, and to make children more confident and more optimistic by improving their abilities, and this optimism will precipitate with time, and children will become more and more fighting spirit. If you blindly emphasize that children "feel satisfied" and ignore "performance satisfaction", it will seem happy, but in fact lose competitiveness.
This can answer the question of "why reduce the burden and not rank, but make the child become pessimistic". Not ranking and not telling the grades seems to protect the child's self-esteem, but in fact it only makes the child "feel satisfied", but it does not help to "perform satisfaction" that can really improve ability.
So what should be done to make children not panic and be positive and optimistic?
First, teach your child the "optimistic ABC" rule
Cognitive psychology has an "ABC rule":
A (adversity) stands for bad things, such as not doing well in the exam.
B (beliefs) is the view and explanation of the matter.
C (consequences) represent feelings and behaviors after not taking the exam.
Psychology believes that a bad thing happens and does not directly affect people's behavior, and thought B is the key to feelings and behaviors.
Take the fact that the child did not do well in the exam as an example, if the view B is: I am very smart, but sloppy. Then the next exam children will read the questions carefully and calculate carefully, but they will not check which knowledge points have not been mastered. On the contrary, if the view B is: the poor grade shows that I still have some knowledge points that I have not mastered, and I need to consolidate it, then the child will inevitably look at the knowledge points that have lost points first.
Two different views bring two completely different results, and two completely different views of life are possessed. Therefore, if you want your child to be optimistic, first teach your child the ABC rule and tell them the inner connection between the three events.
Second, teach children to "grow thinking"
Some children retreat as soon as they encounter setbacks. If the grades are not good, I think I have tried my best, but I still can't learn well, maybe I am really not suitable for studying.
But some children do the opposite, believing that setbacks are only temporary, and that they are called setbacks only because they have not yet found a solution.
The former is called "fixed thinking" and the latter is called "growth thinking".
Different ways of thinking will also directly affect the child's action, fixed thinking children are easy to deny themselves, while children with growth thinking pay more attention to the process and value the improvement of ability.
In life, growth mindset should be cultivated from an early age. For example, I usually praise the specific events of my child's efforts, rather than just saying that you are really smart. You can say that you started to review a week before the exam, and you have 1 hour of revision time every day, no wonder the exam is so good. This will not only make your child feel your attention, but also know where to work next time.
Finally, teach your child to refute it
Teaching children to refute is not to train children to become a "bar spirit". Rather, it is to teach children how to express their ideas correctly and effectively. There are too many accusations in the world, and if you don't express a position, it will only make the child more and more pessimistic.
For example, the child has a fight with his best friend, the friend accuses him of being a selfish ghost, and the child is depressed. How can we help him refute it?
Try to put it this way: You two must not have quarreled like this, right? I know it's hard to argue, but I guess you're not so angry now, right? The point of your anger is that you are selfish! But I don't think you're selfish, but guess why he said you were selfish? Is it possible that you are both angry, and he is angry and corrupt before he rushes out?
The worst result of this matter is nothing more than a slash and two from now on, but are you willing to give up the friendship for many years? The best result is that he will apologize to you. However, the possibility of these two situations is relatively small, you are all angry, no one wants to be soft first, or take the opportunity to calm down for a while, and then take the initiative to talk to him later?
In this way, children will be more receptive, and in general, the rebuttal can start from the following points:
Gather evidence: When you first pessimistically think, ask yourself if this is really the case?
Make a choice: After completing the previous step, ask yourself, what do others think of this matter? Is there any other way?
Defusing disasters: Think about the best and worst scenarios and analyze their respective movements.
Invest your energy: Put your energy into the situation that is most likely to get better.
So, you see that there are still many tips for cultivating children who are positive and optimistic, I hope that today's article will help you, welcome to pay attention to + collection.