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Text | The strings sing slowly
High school Chinese teacher, double master of arts and education
Columnist for International Education at Junior Business School
College Jun said: In the growth process of many children, parents will intentionally or unintentionally use "obedience" to measure the quality of a child. In school, I like to ask the teacher, "Is the child usually obedient?" At home, he often admonished his children, "You must obey, and if you don't obey, you will do something."
It seems that we all prefer sensible children, and naughty, rebellious, rebellious children will always be punished and criticized. Therefore, children know that as long as they behave well, adults will be happy, and they will be praised and liked. But are such children really happy? The article we share today may give you some inspiration.
Whoever likes me, I like him
I'm currently teaching in high school, and among the students I've come into contact with, there's a class of kids who habitually speculate. The most common is to speculate about the teacher, of course, there are also speculators on classmates.
They seem to be silent and well-behaved, but in reality, self-awareness and the ability to think independently are generally lacking.
In the learning of such children, the classroom will figure out what forms of feedback the teacher likes, when answering the questions, they will figure out what kind of content the teacher likes to answer, and in writing, they will figure out what kind of style of article the teacher will prefer...
In the last class, there was a girl who, after entering the first year of high school, came to ask me before the unified examination twice in a row which teacher read the paper in the Chinese composition part. I didn't understand it before, but later I learned that it was her father who told her that different teachers like different styles of articles, and you need to figure out his favorite style according to the teacher's personal style, so as to get high scores.
There is another girl, who always nods her head frequently to the teacher when she goes to math class, and always holds a pen in one hand and a frown in the other hand when she goes to physics class to do thinking... However, when it comes to exams, the results of these two courses are always not ideal. The math and physics teachers were very surprised, she listened carefully to the numbers in class, how could such a child not get good grades?
Once, I deliberately listened to the math and physics classes of our class on the same day, and then I called this girl and asked her questions about the knowledge points in the class that day, and she couldn't answer.
I continued to ask, "Then can you tell me what the two lessons today are mainly about, and where you don't understand too much?" She froze for a moment and shook her head.
As we delved deeper, I identified the problem: she was giving feedback to teachers in the form that was most used by the teachers.
Because she knew a student in the past, that sister inadvertently told her what kind of lecture reaction this math teacher liked, and what kind of lecture reaction this physics teacher liked.
She did so, always straining her nerves for fear of missing every point that gave her a reaction, such as when the teacher paused or asked "do you understand?" Also observe the teacher's micro-expression after she reacts at any time... Her attention was focused on this, and what the class was about was actually not listening to at all.
Such children, in my nearly ten years of work, have seen more than one or two. In getting along with classmates, they are mostly "whoever makes friends with me, I will be friends with whom". Even in the future in love, they may also be "who likes me, I like whom".
Their sense of self is relatively weak, and they hardly think: What is my real style? What exactly do I really want to write about? How can I be at my own most productive? What are my criteria for choosing friends? What kind of person do I like? What kind of people don't like? What is the real me, the real me, like?
Most of these children have a pair of relatively strict parents. They learn from an early age in the family to overcharge, adapt, and even please others, so this habit accompanies them to learn all aspects of life, and even if they do not intervene, it may accompany the whole life.
They rarely emphasize their true feelings and feelings. As soon as others put on a face, they are unconsciously nervous, and as soon as others are unhappy, they instinctively want to apologize. Even when arguing with friends, they rarely express their emotions, the other party is still angry, they are not happy, once the other party is relieved, they are immediately happy.
Most of the joys and sorrows of such children are swayed by the joys and sorrows of others. Do you think this kind of child is happy or unhappy?
Who can not have their own temper, preferences and moods? But in order to adapt to others and please others, they suppress their true feelings and feelings for a long time, want to cry and dare not cry, dare not laugh, and before a word is exported, they must first turn eight corners in their stomachs and repeatedly consider whether others will love to listen...
Such a child, the performance of others, must be: well-behaved, not much to say, good temper...
Their hearts are full of other people's feelings, other people's feelings, they are always careful, never dare to express their true selves, and even after getting used to it, they do not realize the existence of a "self" at all.
In the long run, there are more and more things in their hearts, even if they are not aware of them, but these things will still unconsciously affect them, and slowly produce a series of psychological problems.
Therefore, being overly well-behaved and sensible is not a good thing for a child.
Let the child cry when he wants to cry, and laugh when he wants to
Therefore, as a parent, measure whether the love you give to your child is enough and suitable, depending on whether your child wants to cry and cry, laugh when he wants to laugh, do not deliberately please and please, and are confident and dare to express themselves.
Of course, this is not the same thing as "bear children", and nothing can be seen at the two opposing extremes. Childlike, authentic and confident and happy and uncultured are two different things.
Children who are confident, dare to express themselves, have self-awareness and independent thoughts, but are not solipsistic, the love they receive, in most cases, is sufficient, suitable, and unconditional.
I think of a student I once had who had average academic performance and no specialty, but she was very popular in the class.
In school, the more popular children are roughly divided into two categories, one is capable and strong, and the other is true and full of kindness, not pretending to be themselves, but also tolerant of others. This child belongs to the latter.
She is very sincere, never hides herself, and at the same time she is very optimistic, and her evaluation of people and things is very positive and positive, and I have never even met a child with a better mentality than her.
Their math teacher was a very high-level and quite conscientious old teacher, quite strict. Once, the math teacher called her to the office with another child to talk, presumably because she hated iron and steel, and some of them were a little heavier for girls.
The child who went with her cried on the spot. And this child did not show any negative emotions at all, and even successfully comforted the classmates who went with her after returning to class, making the classmates laugh.
That afternoon, she put a letter on her math teacher's desk that read:
Teacher, in fact, this morning in the office, I was particularly touched in my heart, no, it was particularly excited... I don't know how to describe it. I didn't have good grades and didn't work hard enough, I didn't understand it, I was always lazy and didn't want to learn, and I thought you had given up on me a long time ago, but I didn't expect you to give up on me.
Except for my father and my mother, no one has ever paid such attention to me, and I am particularly surprised, thank you teacher. But teacher, I think you have a sentence that is too heavy, and we all feel sad to hear it. I know that you are anxious for us, and being anxious is also a kind of love and concern, and my mother said that when expressing love and concern, you can't use words that hurt others. I hope that the next time the teacher is willing to say me, but I hope that the next time the teacher says me, I will not use such heavy words, thank you teacher. I wish the teacher health and happiness.
It is said that the math teacher received such a letter from a student for the first time and was very moved. The office teachers also took photos one after another, and everyone was very touched.
It is very rare for a teenager to be able to see the teacher's intentions and dare to sincerely express his true thoughts and feelings. Later, the letter also changed the way math teachers communicate with students to some extent.
In contact with her parents, I found that they were such people too – very honest and authentic, but at the same time, gentle and full of kindness. They don't hide their true feelings and thoughts, but they say it in a way that the other person can gladly accept, and it will never make people feel uncomfortable.
They never hesitated to encourage and praise their daughters, but those encouragements and praises were not perfunctory, not formal. They will be honest with their daughters and care deeply about everything their daughter says, especially their voices and feelings.
As parents, what we give our children, the children will follow suit – and do this to us and to others.
Learn to spot your child's shining points
I once said something like this at a class meeting with parents and students—
I believe that most parents love their children. But when we love someone, we first have to let that person know clearly that we love him. Second, our love is to make our loved ones feel comfortable and happy.
Love contains appreciation, we love him, we must appreciate him, and let him know that you appreciate him, and tell him about the good that he himself cannot see.
How helpless are we if even our parents can't appreciate and praise us from the bottom of our hearts?
I believe that most of the parents here have left videos of their children's growth from birth. When you're free, go check out the videos.
The first time the child laughed out loud, the first time he raised his head, the first time he sat up, the first time he crawled, the first time he stood, the first time he slept, he called his first parents, he ate with a spoon for the first time, he held a cup of water to drink for the first time...
You're probably all standing around and saying, "Baby, that's great!" How can you be so powerful! Such praise, I believe every parent here has said.
That kind of praise is from the heart, is the real feeling that "my baby is so powerful" So why don't you praise your children when they grow up?
At the same time, love also contains attention, valuing all his thoughts and feelings.
Just like when they were just born, every time they cried, mom and dad would be the first time to worry about whether they were hungry and thirsty or wanted to hug... Why do children often feel that their tears are "pretentious" and "squeamish" when they grow up?
At the stage of their birth, you carefully loved them, cared for them, and longed to give them the whole world.
When did this love and pampering become conditional?
As a parent, we must learn to find the shining point of our children, and at the same time, we must also help our children "make the goal smaller". Each big goal is cut into small goals, and whenever the child achieves it, we must give praise and encouragement explicitly, even slightly exaggerated.
We should cherish the children who are still willing to talk to you and express their feelings. There is a saying in the book "Relief Grocery Store" that people's voices cannot be ignored.
Why are children afraid to express themselves? Why are children used to patience? Because it is useless to say it, you may even be scolded for it. They exchange excessive well-behavedness and sensibleness for the love of their parents. This is not the sorrow of the child, but the sorrow of the parents.
The most precious love in the world is something that needs no effort to exchange. You don't have to meet any conditions to have this love, to have recognition and protection without reservation.
No matter how you are, no matter what you look like, I love you just as deeply – this kind of love is the wealth of a person's life. Regardless of whether he succeeds or not, or what his circumstances are, he will always love the world and will not easily fall into extreme despair.
If I had children, I wish I were such a mother. I also hope that when my children grow up, they can meet such friends and lovers.
I hope that my future children can also become such friends, such lovers, and such parents. Give this love back to everyone he cherishes and cherishes him as well.