"A good mother is better than a good teacher" - reading notes guide to share

This text number is 5455 and the estimated reading time is 15 minutes.

The book shared today is "A Good Mom Is Better Than a Good Teacher."

The author Yin Jianli is an expert in parenting education. Master of Education, an iconic figure in the field of family education. He has been engaged in education in the field for many years and is now committed to family education research and writing.

This book can be called a milestone in Chinese family education, which has both an international perspective and the essence of Chinese culture, closely follows reality, presents the practice and charm of high-quality education, and for the first time raises family education works to a professional level. The smooth writing and strong readability have changed the long-term phenomenon of obscurity and difficulty in educational works, and the breadth and depth of the popularization of modern educational concepts are unprecedented. It has directly promoted the progress of Family Education in China, marking the integration of China's family education concept with the world's most advanced level, and has begun to form an influence on the outside world.

1

Develop good study habits

The author says that children do not need to suffer for learning, and all children who feel pain because of learning are because they have encountered incorrect guidance. As long as the concepts and methods are changed, the child's learning can become easy and enjoyable.

For learning we have to cultivate children's "good habits", of course, in the process of cultivating "good habits", if the method is not used correctly, it is precisely to cultivate bad habits. The method is used correctly, and good habits are a matter of course. The right way is actually far easier to do than the wrong way.

1. Cultivate children's self-consciousness

We know that many parents now accompany their children to write homework. In response to this common phenomenon, the author points out: it is not right to accompany. Why? Not accompanying" in order to cultivate good habits.

The authors say that the longer parents spend with their children, the closer their role is to that of a supervisor. And the child does not like a supervisor in his bones, and at most he temporarily submits to him on the surface, and will never listen to him in his heart. Therefore, accompanying children to write homework is not to cultivate children's good habits, but to disintegrate good habits, which is a gradual wear and tear on children's self-control.

The purpose of not accompanying children to write homework is to cultivate children's self-consciousness. Only when children have this kind of self-consciousness can they take learning as their own business. In this way, the child does not learn to "complete the task", and the learning changes from a mandatory obligation to his own "work".

On the contrary, if the child does not have self-consciousness, he will try his best to be lazy and cannot take the initiative to learn, and learning has become the biggest burden on the child, which is extremely harmful to long-term development.

Many parents will make decisions for their children in a hurry, which is wrong. It is human nature to be willing to follow one's own thoughts and reject orders from others. Therefore, in the process of cultivating children, in order to form the child's self-consciousness and for him to better implement the decision, we should try to let the child think and choose on his own. Even if it is the same decision, if it is not from the parent's instructions, but from the child's own will, he will be more willing to carry it out.

2. Parents should set an example

In homeschooling, the role of parents is critical. Good parents should not be people who give orders, but should grow up with their children and be their children's role models. Many people have a bad life, encounter trouble at work, bring emotional fluctuations, and eventually spread their anger on their children, which is extremely harmful.

There are also some parents who place their expectations on their children, hoping to complete their unfinished business and realize their unfulfilled dreams through their children. This is all a burden imposed on the child. Good parents will give their children enough space to treat their children equally, make progress with their children, and shape a healthier family relationship.

For example, on April 25, 2007, a first-year student at a middle school in Zengcheng City, Guangdong Province, was punished by the teacher for copying words ten times from the first lesson to the fourteenth lesson because he spoke during the English test. The child committed suicide that night.

Many parents and teachers, on the one hand, require their children to love learning, and on the other hand, they use "learning" as a violent means to punish their children. When "homework" becomes a torture device, can it not be terrifying in the eyes of children? Can children still feel good about it?

Too many parents are overly calculating their children in the matter of learning, which is a very harmful behavior.

For example, some parents require that their children must be in the top three, must get double hundred in the exam, and must be admitted to a prestigious school... These mandatory requirements can put a lot of pressure on the child and are not necessary.

Instead of setting such requirements for children, it is better to give children more encouragement so that children are no longer afraid of learning. In this way, it is more likely to stimulate the child's learning potential and let the child's learning get better results.

Therefore, as parents and teachers, we must set a good example, and we cannot lose our temper with our children and punish them because they are unsatisfactory in life, or because their children cannot write homework, and the consequences of this may be unbearable for us.

3, there is no need to lose your temper

Parents always inevitably lose their temper with their children, and in hindsight, many parents will feel that there is no need and should not be angry. Children are only children, not adults, there are many reasons why parents are angry, but children often can't understand at all, don't know why parents are angry, so that for a long time, children will have fear of parents, but do not know how to correct.

In fact, how big a child can make? Unintentional mistakes, small mistakes can be laughed off, and it will be beautiful to transform the mistakes into common memories in the parent-child relationship.

2

How to improve the quality of love

Parental love is as deep as the sea, but there are qualitative differences. What determines the quality is not the parents' education, income, status, etc., but their understanding of the child and the level of handling of details. The author said that there is nothing more than 3 points to treat children, the first is trust, the second is freedom, and finally, enough love.

1. Trust

When dealing with children, trust comes first. Parents' control over their children stems from fear and distrust. Because they do not understand the child's thinking patterns and ways of acting, they are at a loss and are always worried about the child.

Every child's nature is beautiful, what we have to do is to know the child, understand the child, from the child's point of view, trust the child. Parents do not need to intervene too much, as long as they are guided when necessary, and cannot always interfere in detail.

Once parents have full trust in their children, children can also feel this sense of trust, and they will be more confident and easier to reveal their hearts to parents. A healthy family relationship will also be formed.

2. Freedom

Parents have consulted the author. She said: I am the kind of mother who respects her children and gives her children freedom, but my children always eat well, I have to chase and feed, I am always angry about this, what do you say to do? The author said to the mother: You have not even given the freedom to eat to the child, how can you talk about respecting the child and giving the child freedom?

Montessori said that every child must first and foremost be in a period of spiritual disorder, with mental activity moving from chaos to order. [The child came into the world as a blank piece of paper, and the world suddenly surrounded him, and he needed to have a process of adaptation, that is, the process of growing up.] It's like when we suddenly walk into a dark room from the sun, and our eyes need to adjust for a while to see what's in the house. If at this time others are in a hurry to make a judgment and say that you have a problem with your eyes, this is obviously not right.

Children are never wrong, only immature. Using "making mistakes" to evaluate a child's behavior is already a mistake in itself; it is even more wrong to force a child to meet the requirements of an adult. Not allowing children to "make mistakes" is essentially depriving children of their freedom, which will have two consequences: children may be "obedient", but they have become small puppets that need to be manipulated by people in current affairs; they may also be more disobedient, really "three days without fighting, going to the house to uncover the tiles".

Although the two appearances are completely different, the psychological mechanism behind this is the same, and the reason for the formation is the same, that is, due to the lack of freedom, their psychological order is chaotic, and their behavior loses self-control.

Therefore, parents should give their children enough freedom. Children are born with a yearning for freedom, and this nature should not be bound. The possibilities of children are unlimited, they face the world is infinitely wide, everything is possible, and all parents have to do is to let their children have enough space.

Specific to family education, giving children freedom means giving children full choice, listening to children's ideas, communicating more, coordinating more, and achieving harmony between parents and children.

3. Love

Love is the most important element in the parent-child relationship and the most important attitude that parents should have towards their children. Parents love their children, but it is more important for them to let their children feel your love. Love should be expressed and spoken, so that children can feel loved all the time.

Once the child feels that the parent's attitude towards him or her is not love, he will fall into a loss and then rebel. Children are looking forward to love, but also full of love for their parents, which needs to be compatible with each other.

3

Character education for children

How to educate children about their character? There is no need for preaching, no need for rewards and punishments, all education is in daily life. Character determines destiny, and childhood affects a lifetime. Character education is a very important part of family education, even more necessary than learning.

The cultivation of good character requires the joint efforts of the family, which will have the most profound impact on the growth of the child and is related to the future of the child. If the child receives a good character education from an early age, he will grow up to become a more integrated person and more harmonious with others. On the contrary, if you neglect the child's character education, it may lead the child astray in the future.

1. Sex education

Sex education is a difficult topic for many parents to talk about, "where did the child come from", which is a question that almost every child will ask and make it difficult for every parent to answer. Many people say that they should tell their children correctly, but how to correct the law is often ambiguous.

Rousseau gave an example in his educational masterpiece Emile:

A little boy asked his mother how the child came to be, and his mother told him that "it was the woman who pulled him out of his stomach, and when he was in his stomach, his stomach hurt so much that he almost lost his life." Rousseau thought this answer was classic because it told the child the outcome of a child rather than the cause. The mother immediately follows the "pain" after "how the child came to be", which is like a layer of obscuration, blocking the child's curiosity and imagination. So it gives the child an affirmative answer without teasing his imagination.

Rousseau believed that sexual enlightenment should be delayed as much as possible, that is, not to give them a chance, not to make them curious. Of course, we must not talk nonsense to children for the sake of delay. If you have to tell your child, you should also tell him in a short, unhesitating tone, and never bring out an embarrassed, erotic expression.

In fact, children's curiosity about sex is not at all as great as adults think, and adults can completely avoid the embarrassment of explanation and speak the problem frankly in another way.

The author said in the book that many parents have a misunderstanding, that is, to make "sex education" into "sexual enlightenment". What does this lead to? This leads to children becoming more curious about sexual topics. That is to say, sometimes parents tell their children too much and their interests are aroused.

Therefore, many teenagers now have problems such as early pregnancy and abuse, not because he knows less about sexual knowledge, but because of spiritual emptiness, moral and emotional development, and lack of self-love and the ability to love others.

2. Seek truth from facts

Seeking truth from facts is a character that everyone needs to develop, and many parents say in front of their children that "rich people don't have a good person", and then complain that they have too little money in their families, and then attribute the lack of money to society or the influence of others. After this circle of words, the child is confused.

Some parents, on the one hand, require their children to do things steadily, on the other hand, they love vanity and love to play music. Such parents, even if they hang "seeking truth from facts" on their lips all day, it is difficult for children to understand the connotation of these four words and it is difficult to internalize them into their own thoughts.

For example, there is a girl who is twenty-five years old, her father is a senior middle school teacher, teaching in a very famous middle school, and always takes the high school graduation class, most of the graduates he teaches have gone to famous schools such as Tsinghua Peking University, and he is also famous in the industry. The girl's mother is also a middle school teacher. Girls have always been strictly required in such families, studying well from an early age and attending high school where their father was.

According to the ranking of the girls in the school at that time, it was possible to be admitted to Tsinghua, but it was not certain. When I filled out the volunteer form, my father said that if you don't get admitted to Tsinghua, I won't be convincing to teach in the future, and I urge my daughter to apply for Tsinghua. The mother also advised the child that if you are admitted to Tsinghua, I will have the confidence to manage the students in the school. In order to make the child have no other ideas, they recommend that the child only apply for one volunteer and not a second volunteer. As a result, the girl almost did not get admitted by eight points, so she had to re-read.

When she volunteered again a year later, the girl was a little timid, and her first choice was not to report to Tsinghua, and she wanted to apply for another more famous university. But the parents thought that the school could be enrolled with last year's scores, and since they had been studying for a year, they should be admitted to Tsinghua in a hurry, so they encouraged their children to apply for Tsinghua. This time, fortunately, I filled in the second choice after Tsinghua, but the result was still a few points worse, I was not admitted to Tsinghua, and I went to the university of the second choice.

The second choice university is actually not bad, but this family always thinks that they are aggrieved if they don't go to Tsinghua, and the parents always feel faceless because their children have been studying for a year to enter an ordinary university, sighing, there are many dissatisfactions between words, so that the child has been very depressed after four years of college, and even took a half-year off from school in the middle.

When the girl graduated from undergraduate, she went to Tsinghua For a master's degree, but she still did not get admitted and wanted to study abroad. Applied for two famous foreign schools, somehow did not succeed. Once again, it was a blow. Her parents later helped her find a good job through connections, and supposedly she should be happy, but to the girl's displeasure, the other two graduates of the same class who came with her were from elite schools. After a year of work, one of the two was promoted to a small person in charge, which made the girl finally unable to stand it, ran away from home for half a month without asking for leave, and refused to go to work again when she returned.

Now girls shut themselves in the house every day and do nothing but surf the internet and sleep. Under the persuasion of everyone, I went to see a psychiatrist, who said that she was depressed.

Therefore, the author says that when people do something against themselves, they must also seek truth from facts, and do something "not to show others", but should have a realistic mentality to do something. If I can do it well, I can do it well, and it doesn't matter if I don't do it well. To face your own truth calmly, this is also a kind treatment of yourself.

3, small things are big things

First of all, there is no small thing in education, and every "small thing" is actually a big thing. In parent-child education, everything is related to the future of the child and the growth of a person.

Secondly, the profound concepts and grand ideals of education, no matter how wonderful and exquisite, ultimately need to be implemented and implemented in the details. Excellent family education should be an education model that pays attention to details and implements ideals and concepts.

Therefore, when dealing with family relations and educating children, we must pay attention to details, pay attention to small things, start from small things, start from the side, cultivate children's good habits, correct children's small problems, and lay a good foundation and preparation for children's future.

4

How to deal with parent-child relationships

In addition to the change in attitude, it is also important to master the right approach. There are techniques to follow in dealing with parent-child relationships.

1. Use your brain

When dealing with children, the first thing to do is to use more brains, not to be a tendon and admit death. When encountering a problem, don't worry, stop and think about it, think about the causes of the problem, and explore the solution to the problem. This habit of "stopping and thinking" can help parents stabilize their emotions, avoid getting angry with their children, and make impulsive moves.

For specific problems, we must also use our brains to come up with corresponding solutions, which are targeted and cannot be generalized.

2. Reasonable compromise

Some people say that you can't compromise with your child. This statement is not true, on the contrary, learn to compromise with the child reasonably. Compromise with the child means to understand the child, understand the child's true thoughts, empower the child in a reasonable space, and let the child decide. In this process, parents can give appropriate guidance to their children, and they do not have to make decisions for their children.

Compromise is an art. Parents should abandon the idea of "solipsism", communicate with their children on an equal footing, and work with their children to find solutions to problems. Sometimes your child will give you unexpected and wonderful answers.

3. Empathetic thinking

With children, empathy is very important. Learn to think from your child's point of view.

Children's way of thinking is very different from adults, if parents just think from their own point of view, it will be easy to determine that children's practices, statements, and ideas are "wrong". But the child will not understand your thoughts, you do not know the child's real thoughts, and there will be blind spots between the two.

Empathetic thinking with the child is actually to treat the child as a child, starting from the child himself, looking at the world in his (her) eyes, and solving the problems he (she) encounters.