This chapter is chapter 67 of Affirmative Parenting. Affirmative parenting, an educational concept that subverts your original cognition.
"A good mother is better than a good teacher", I believe many people have read this book, and teacher Yin Jianli has also become the most influential child educator in China with this book, but in fact, this book, in essence, still follows the concept of affirmative parenting.
In this book, Teacher Yin Jianli mainly talks about a large number of cases in the process of educating her children, such as injections, homework, watching TV, etc., because there are many methods that seem to have strong operability, so they are popular with parents.
For example, when the child is injected, I believe that the child understands the meaning of the injection, so she told her daughter to get an injection when she was injected, and the daughter did not escape, and did not cry or make a fuss about the injection.
Another example is the child's homework, she did not supervise and control the child's homework, but let the child complete the homework independently, although there were some setbacks in the process, but eventually the child adjusted himself and began to complete the homework on time
But unfortunately, Teacher Yin Jianli did not summarize her educational philosophy in the book, but more through cases to show her educational ideas, so everyone may not realize what concepts Teacher Yin Jianli followed when educating children. But if you have learned our affirmative parenting concept, in combination with this book, you will understand: "a good mother is better than a good teacher" The book actually follows the affirmative parenting concept, that is, trusting children is no problem, is to become excellent, parents want to bring their children a successful experience.
Combined with our concept of affirmative parenting, if you look at the cases in the book, can you better understand the operation of Teacher Yin Jianli?
But teacher Yin Jianli in this book, some of the problems are too idealistic, so that many parents in the specific operation will find that her method sounds very good, but their own operation can not achieve the corresponding effect, so many people have certain doubts about the book, then today I will combine the cases in the book, let everyone understand where the problem is, teach everyone how to deal with the problem with the concept of affirmative parenting.
Let the child be brave in the needle
Teacher Yin Jianli shared a case of taking a child to get an injection in the book.
Her daughter, like most children, is afraid of needles, but how does Teacher Yin Jianli do it? Teacher Yin Jianli first expressed her understanding of her daughter's fear of injections, understanding that she was afraid of the pain of injections, but at the same time told her daughter that if she did not get sick with injections, she believed that her daughter could overcome her own fear.
In the view of teacher Yin Jianli, children are sensible and definitely want to recover their health, so they understand why they want to get injections, but they are really afraid of pain, so they are afraid of injections. Teacher Yin Jianli comforted her and encouraged her, and eventually her daughter behaved quietly during the injection. According to the words in Yin Jianli's book: Doctors praised her for being brave.
Many people will have doubts about this case, because many parents may have told their children the meaning of injections, but children will still make a big fuss and not cooperate when they are injected. Indeed, Teacher Yin Jianli said too ideally, maybe her daughter is more sensible, but most children will not be because you tell him the meaning of the needle, he can bravely face the needle problem. Here I talk about the situation of my children, I think my children are more representative of most children.
Because of the epidemic, my daughter wanted to get a vaccine, but my daughter was particularly afraid of injections, and she used to hide hard every time she gave an injection, always dragging herself out. And when she hits, she still needs her mother to press her arm, even so, the child is still crying, so angry that her mother said that she was humiliated in the hospital and no longer wants to accompany her to the injection.
In response to the child's situation, I had a good communication with my daughter before the second vaccination.
In the same way, I told her the meaning of the needle and expressed my understanding of her fear of the needle, and I shared my feelings about the injection. I told her, "I'm also afraid of needles, so I try not to get them." But the problem is that there are some problems that we must face and cannot escape, otherwise we will suffer other adverse consequences. For example, if I don't want to go to work, then I don't go to work? So what do we eat and drink? Therefore, some problems in life must be faced and cannot be escaped. ”
Having said this, the daughter also expressed understanding. This is actually to explain the big truth to the children, and many parents do not say less when educating their children. But if my education is only like this, in fact, it does not jump out of the category of negative education, and it is still the meaning of accusing and criticizing children. This is also why most parents have adopted the method of Teacher Yin Jianli, and after explaining the reason to the child, the child still avoids the injection, but Teacher Yin Jianli does not give more detailed operations, so many parents doubt Teacher Yin Jianli's approach.
So what do I do next?
After I finished preaching, I did not ignore the child, but continued to help my daughter, give advice to her daughter, and guide her to think of ways to solve the problem. I said to my daughter, "I believe you understand this and want to get an injection, but you are really afraid of pain." But there is no escaping from this injection, so the only way we can do it is to think about how to overcome it." Then I thought with my daughter about how to overcome my fears and let myself go to the courage of the needle. Later, the daughter also mentioned some methods, such as seeing the doctor's expression, or not looking at the place where the injection was given. I didn't deny the child either, but rather affirmed her approach and talked about some of my opinions or suggestions.
Later, when the child's mother accompanied her daughter to the injection, the daughter's progress was more obvious. According to the child's mother, although the daughter is still afraid and even snorts when she is injected, she does not need to press her arm anymore, and she will not cry in the hospital.
Compared with my method with Teacher Yin Jianli, is my daughter more universal and my method of operation more operable? Understand this case, and you will understand what the problem is in this book.
The inadequacy of the "Good Mother Over Good Teacher" method
Although the book "A Good Mother Is Better than a Good Teacher" is well written, there is a serious problem, that is, it is too idealistic.
Teacher Yin Jianli's method is based on believing in children, and in all the cases he shares, such as children writing homework, playing mobile games, etc., all follow this concept. But just like the case of giving a child an injection, Teacher Yin Jianli's sharing is too idealistic. She believes in the child, and then the child realizes his problems, and the child is worthy of her trust, she said, and the child really did it. Of course, this may be that Teacher Yin Jianli's usual education is better, and the child is more sensible, so as soon as she says it, the child will easily change.
But most children are not like this, most children are like my daughter, it is not that we believe that children can do it, children can do it. And teacher Yin Jianli did not give too many methods for how to deal with how to deal with children when they could not do it, which is also a reason why this book makes many readers feel unreliable.
Fundamentally, Teacher Yin Jianli still did not jump out of a conventional category, which is also a common mistake that most parents make in believing in their children, that is, believing in their children and then expecting their children to do it themselves.
Teacher Yin Jianli believes that the child understands the meaning of the injection, and then tells the child, and then the child is indeed worthy of her trust, and really did it; Teacher Yin Jianli believes that the child can solve the problem of writing homework, and then does not ask, and the child finally solves the problem of the mobile phone; Teacher Yin Jianli believes that the child can solve the problem of mobile phone games, and then tries to ignore the child playing with the mobile phone, and the child finally really does it.
Of course, maybe Teacher Yin Jianli's children are indeed more sensible, so her children are also worthy of her trust, but most children are not like this, it is not that their parents trust him, he can do it. Children do know the meaning of the needle, but they are also really afraid, and based on fear, they will still avoid the needle, which is the most common manifestation of children.
But Teacher Yin Jianli did not give a solution to this situation, so the book will be questioned by some people, thinking that her success is only because her children are girls and more obedient.
The right thing to do is that you should trust the child, which is true, but you should also see the difficulties that the child faces, and you should help the child to solve the difficulties, rather than expecting the child to solve the difficulties by himself, which is the most correct solution to the child's operation.
Through comparison, can we better understand our affirmative parenting philosophy?
Do you understand why I have been saying that "affirmative parenting is a low-level educational concept, and the vast majority of educational books and educational techniques on the market actually follow our affirmative parenting concept." Affirmative parenting is equivalent to a general outline of martial arts, and if you understand affirmative parenting, you will grasp the correct concept of educating children.
If you want to learn the concept of "affirmative parenting", you can pay attention to my eponymous public name "affirmative parenting", click "How to learn the complete concept of "affirmative parenting"? 》