Scum dad raises bully son? After reading the story, I understood why some children win as soon as they are born

Author: Creative Group Xu Kitten

Recently, a video of a scumbag father spitting on his son went viral.

The father said that his son loved to learn too much and was very difficult to control. During the Chinese New Year, he originally took his son out to travel and relax, and his son wanted to study chemistry in the hotel.

"Many friends said that I was too cruel, that I had really wronged my son. I was a standard liberal arts student, and I couldn't understand the things he was learning. ”

Not only that, when returning home from the scenic spot, the son immediately took the toys he bought to his own workbench for transformation, which can be described as racing against the clock, sleeping and forgetting to eat.

Seeing this scene, parents complained about this father's "Versailles" while frantically crying.

Some people say that their children can't move, let him do a few problems, in exchange for a sentence of recoil: "To learn you to learn, after school I want to rest well!" ”

Some parents said that in order to "induce" children to learn, memorizing an ancient poem for 50 yuan and making a test paper for 100 yuan had some effect at first, but after a few days, the child lost interest.

Parents are puzzled, how to make children fall in love with learning and take the initiative to learn?

We cannot deny that the child at the beginning of the article has a certain talent, and the learning drive is strong enough, from his self-study in the hotel, after returning home to transform the toy and other behaviors, the child's own learning internal drive is very strong.

Elon Musk said: "I believe that with enough internal drive, ordinary children can achieve extraordinary things. ”

In other words, the internal drive is the root cause of children's active learning and research. When the child's learning drive is strong enough, parents do not need to urge, and the child also loves to learn.

If parents use strict supervision and external rewards to guide their children, children will not experience the joy and sense of achievement of learning, and it is easy to be sloppy in learning.

Only by understanding the dimension of the child's self-driving force can we educate and guide the child in a targeted manner.

Reward needs: "Only by studying well can you repay your parents"

A parent came to me to complain, in the past, my family conditions were poor, my parents smashed pots and sold iron for their own college, they have been working hard to study, thinking of repaying their parents and taking their families to live a good life.

Later, he did achieve results, bought a house and a car, and the family lived a worry-free life, so he wanted to cultivate his son well.

Originally thought that my son could cherish all this, after all, there was no worry about eating and wearing, there were countless learning resources, and it should be no problem to take a bachelor's degree casually. The son only loves games, does not love learning, and his grades are in the bottom of the class.

He was distressed and didn't know why his son was like this.

In fact, the dilemma of this parent, many parents have, especially concentrated in the parents of the 60s and 70s.

In the era of economic difficulties and lack of knowledge, everyone has few opportunities to go to school, it is difficult to obtain knowledge, parents and children can form a consensus, that is, reading is useful, reading can change fate.

At the parent level, they are willing to do everything in their power to create school opportunities for their children, providing a lot of trust and resources.

At the child level, they are willing to study hard in order to repay their parents' nurturing grace and hard work, and their academic performance is good, and they are happy to see their parents happy.

Therefore, the self-driving force generated by "reward" can push children to learn well.

Today, many children are not short of clothes and wear less, and there is excess knowledge around them, and this situation loses the soil of existence.

Even if there is really a driving force for "reward" and children can learn well, the starting point of learning is for their parents, and over time, this motivation will become a burden.

Psychology expert Chen Mo pointed out that people have an instinct to repay the favor, children hope to repay their parents through learning, hope to be admitted to prestigious universities, otherwise they are embarrassed to face their parents.

But when he is a teenager, he will understand that there is too much competition in this society, too much pressure, he can't get into a prestigious university, can't repay his parents, and will start to tire of studying.

Competition needs: "You must study hard to surpass so-and-so classmates"

In the variety show "Teenager Says", a girl complained that her mother always compared herself with her cousin, thinking that her cousin was good at everything and that she was useless.

Under this stimulation, she studied hard, got up early every day and was greedy, hoping to surpass her cousin, but helplessly, she could not catch up with her cousin's achievements.

She was very bitter and hoped that her mother would praise herself: "Grades do not mean everything, I also have my own advantages!" ”

The mother's answer represents the voice of many parents, which is to motivate the child to be more motivated and stand out in the future competition.

In the inner volume era, many parents hope that their children will be the first in the exam, so that they can be more confident of being admitted to prestigious high schools and universities, and their children have silently accepted this idea.

In the short term, children work hard and the learning effect comes out, but in the long run, this self-driving force generated by competition is difficult to stimulate children to constantly break through.

Because the world is very large, put into different dimensions of the province, the whole country, and the whole world, the position of the child will change accordingly, and they will feel that there will always be a person who will be in front of themselves, and there will always be "other people's children" who will surpass themselves.

If children can correctly use the relationship of competition, they can stimulate curiosity and learning potential and improve their grades, but only rely on the sense of competition to stimulate children's self-drive, hiding great hidden dangers.

First of all, children blindly fall into the consciousness of competition, always thinking of surpassing their peers, it is difficult to be friends with the people around them, and learn the concept of win-win cooperation.

Secondly, children only from external pressure to study hard, once the loss of external pressure, children will not find a way forward, do not know what they really want, in a long life, whether they can feel their own value, whether they can get happiness, it is difficult to say.

Success requires: "Only by studying hard can I get ahead"

In a survey conducted by China Youth Daily, 21.1% of people said that their reading had been "utilitarian". Young people who are just starting out, students, and people with long work experience are in the top three.

This data is thought-provoking.

Many parents will constantly emphasize to their children, "Only by studying well can you get into a good university, find a good job after graduation, make a lot of money and get ahead", over time, the child will associate "success" with "learning", and rivet hard to learn.

Many children have succeeded in this way, and they have been admitted to prestigious universities, as if they can see the next glorious life.

However, the desire for success obscures the meaning of learning itself, followed by the rapid decline of learning enthusiasm and the emptiness of the body and mind being hollowed out, the child can not find the meaning of learning and life, a series of psychological obstacles appear, suffering from "hollow heart disease".

Xu Kaiwen, deputy director of the Mental Health Education and Counseling Center at Peking University, pointed out that such children lack the values that support their sense of meaning and existence, and even if they are the best students and the most well-behaved students from an early age, they have strong suicidal ideation.

It is conceivable that they study hard all the way for the so-called "success", do not think about the meaning, and the hidden problems will erupt after entering the university.

Teacher Luo Xiang said: "Utilitarian reading makes you only pay attention to the external merits and ignore the inner richness. Only non-utilitarian reading can make you accept failure with ease. ”

Deeply. Children learn for the so-called "brilliance" and "success", without exercising frustration and thinking, when they encounter setbacks and troughs, it is difficult to face them calmly and find no meaning to move forward.

The highest state of education is to awaken the inner driving force of children

The poet Yeats said, "Education is not filled with a bucket of water, but a fire." ”

Mr. Cai Yuanpei said in the book "The Cultivation of Chinese": "It is not the academic performance that determines the child's life, but the sound personality cultivation. ”

Therefore, a truly good education is not simply to implant children with one-sided rewards, competition or success needs, but to ignite children's thirst for knowledge, stimulate their self-motivation to learn, and make children a complete person.

As a parent, you may wish to do a good job of guidance from the following three points:

First, give children autonomy.

Yuanyuan, the daughter of teacher Yin Jianli, was admitted to Tsinghua University at the age of 16 and later obtained a master's degree from Ivy League University. Talking about education cheats, Yin Jianli said: "The best management is to ignore it. ”

Yin Jianli never accompanies her daughter to write homework, even if her daughter comes home after school to play crazy, she does not remind her, and completely lets her daughter arrange her own learning plan.

Once, before the daughter went to bed, she remembered that she had not done her homework, and cried urgently, Yin Jianli comforted her daughter: "You can make up for it at this moment" or "directly tell the teacher the next day that she forgot to do it", and the daughter chose to stay up late to complete the homework.

Because it was her own choice, the daughter had no complaints and did her homework well.

Yin Jianli said: "A person, first of all, is a free person, can be a self-conscious person. ”

In the matter of children's learning, if parents can do not deprive their children of autonomy and encourage children to complete their own learning tasks independently, they can gradually cultivate their children's sense of autonomy and be responsible for their own achievements.

Children's self-discipline may be difficult to develop in one day, and the grades may not improve by leaps and bounds, but feeling the trust and letting go of parents can bravely move forward without fear of difficulties.

Second, help children accumulate a sense of learning achievement.

Remember that father? The child always scored 0 on the exam, and once he scored 7 on the test, he bought fireworks to celebrate his son's progress.

In the cold wind, the father's encouragement lit up the child's heart, and then, the child became more and more engaged in learning, and later scored 57 points.

This father does not look at "other people's children" and accuses his children of poor grades, but encourages his children to compete with themselves and surpass themselves little by little. Therefore, the child can feel full of energy and continue to move forward.

Third, take your child to experience the learning process.

I have a friend who has a great way of educating children. Children memorize ancient poems during the winter vacation, because of the large number, once doubted themselves.

Friends do not laugh or criticize, but tell the child, the mother will not, the mother with you to recite, we try to draw the memory method, and then try to repeat the method many times...

In this process, she and her children find ways to memorize and share the pain and joy of learning. Slowly, children not only overcome the problem of memorizing ancient poems, but also accumulate the confidence to learn.

As a guide on the way to children's learning, parents must help their children find the joy of learning, get a sense of achievement in learning, and experience the process of learning with their children, and all successes, failures, setbacks and challenges will be turned into a driving force for growth.

Finally, I want to share a real feeling with all the anxious parents.

When we only focus on the goal of "children's further education" and forget to cultivate children's lifelong learning ability, it is easy to be frustrated and anxious for children's failure in one exam and the completion of homework.

But if we can take a long-term view, encourage children to find reasons when they lose, guide them to find direction when they are confused, and guide children to think quietly when they are bored, in the long run, children will make unexpected breakthroughs.

As the late American novelist David Foster Wallace said at Kenyon University's commencement ceremony:

"The purpose of education is not to learn knowledge, but to acquire a way of thinking. Learning to think, to choose, to have faith, to be free, this is the purpose of education, but also the ability to achieve happiness. ”

Sincerely bless our children, they can precipitate thinking in learning, and they can accumulate faith in growth. In this way, you can control your life and have a steady stream of happiness.

New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.