Some parents asked me: Teacher Yun'er, our parents and children have a good relationship, and we have no requirements for our children, but the children still can't go to school. In fact, in the families I mentor, this kind of problem accounts for a large proportion.
So why can't children with good parent-child relationships still go to school? In fact, good parent-child relationship is only a condition for guiding children out of difficulties. To guide your child out of a difficult situation, you must learn to correct your child's cognitive distortions. This starts with the root cause of the child's non-schooling. I'll still illustrate this problem in the form of a case study.
Teacher Yun Er
Wang Fei was admitted to a key high school in the city last year, and was also assigned to the rocket class. Wang Fei's family was overjoyed. Wang Fei's face was filled with a radiance of self-confidence, and his parents felt that life was full of momentum. Dad also often encouraged her younger sister, who was in the first year of junior high school, to learn more from her brother and to be admitted to this key middle school.
However, Wang Fei began to feel a little difficult for two months, just physical chemistry class is a little confused, sometimes really can't understand, after a class always feel nameless panic, even the second section of English can not calm down. In this way, by New Year's Day, there were 47 students in the class, Wang Fei ranked 42nd overall, 95 points in mathematics, 83 points in English, 90 points in physics, and 85 points in chemistry. Wang Fei's heart was like pressing a huge stone, and once he entered the class, it was like entering hell, and it was difficult to breathe. Sometimes Li Kang at the same table asked him a question, he didn't hear what was said, Li Kang would say to him: Wang Fei, what did he do? Dreaming? A few classmates around would laugh.
In this way, after New Year's Day, Wang Fei began to have headaches, sweating profusely, insomnia at night, and asked his parents to ask for leave for himself. Mom and Dad accompanied Wang Fei to the hospital for various examinations, and found no problems. The physician reminded Wang Fei's parents to go to the psychiatric department to have a look. In the psychology department, the doctor asked Wang Fei to make several scales, and the result was severe anxiety and severe depression. Mom and Dad were very shocked, how could such an excellent child suffer from mental illness? Doctors prescribe several medications. When Mom and Dad looked at the instructions of these drugs, they were even more frightened: there are treatments for depression, there are treatments for anxiety, there are treatments for insomnia, and there is even a drug to treat schizophrenia. Oh my God, so to speak, Wang Fei is suffering from mental illness!
Wang Fei's parents were on their way home from the hospital, and the two mouths muttered: After making a few scales, the child was diagnosed with mental illness, is this accurate? Can I take this medicine? Wang Fei was already depressed and depressed, and he didn't want to go to school when he returned from the hospital. I am different from my classmates, I have a mental illness, how can I go back to class? Everyone else can listen carefully to the lecture, but I just can't listen to the lecture. Li Wei's cough made me unable to calm down for half a day. This Zhang Xiao in the front row dangled his head around, which upset me. This Yang Yang in the back looked at the back of my head with disdain, making the back of my head cold. Wang Fei's daily brain is where these things appear over and over again.
In fact, the percentage of key universities in Wang Fei's rocket class is 100 percent. He did not do well because the usual exams are very difficult, and the high exam questions are not so difficult, that is to say, Wang Fei's score is no problem in key universities. However, the pressure Wang Fei felt in this class was very great. He can't face the gap between himself and others, nor can he think about his own advantages, he just experiences the feeling of worthlessness, the sense of non-existence and cannot get rid of this feeling, and this feeling cannot be solved by good parent-child feelings. This is why many parents feel that parent-child relationship is very good, and why children still cannot go to school. Because this situation has nothing to do with parent-child feelings, it is not a good parent-child relationship that can change the child's cognitive status.
Wang Fei's parents did not know what the reason was at first, but still urged Wang Fei to go to school quickly and not to delay his studies. However, as long as they mentioned the two words of school, Wang Fei immediately changed his face, got angry, and slammed the door. Later, Wang Fei's parents no longer dared to mention going to school. Wang Fei's parents were not willing to let a child who was as good as the original sink at home like this, and they finally found me.
Many psychological counselors or so-called life mentors brainwash parents and say: As long as you cultivate good parent-child feelings, the rest is left to time. In their eyes, "parent-child feelings" have become a panacea for all diseases. I don't know what theory these "big bricks" are based on. In fact, good parent-child relationship is only a necessary condition for guiding children out of psychological difficulties, but not a sufficient condition. In order to let children get out of this psychological dilemma, parents also need to learn to guide their children and correct their children's cognition of academic performance and ranking.
People want faces, trees want bark, this sentence fully shows that our face is the most important! Think about it, who do we live to? In fact, we never live for ourselves. We all live for others to see. The two brothers are separated, and the last chopstick must be broken into two pieces, and what they want is a face.
I have mentored many children in high school key classes, both in the top few and in the bottom of the class. The top few are because of the huge pressure, always afraid of the decline in the ranking, resulting in their daily anxiety, and later unable to go to school. The pressure of the children in the bottom of the class comes from the inability to face their own current situation, feeling that they are very faceless in front of the whole class, so they are reluctant to go to school. Wang Fei belongs to the latter category.
Through my analysis of Wang Fei's parents, Wang Fei's parents knew the root cause of Wang Fei's problems, and then I instructed Wang Fei's parents to guide Wang Fei to communicate with me.
I said: Talk about it, Wang Fei, say whatever you want, don't be constrained, don't worry about not having enough time, I have no time limit.
Wang Fei said: There is nothing to say, I just don't want to go to school.
I said: This is easy to do, then don't go to it! There's nothing tangled up in that.
Wang Fei said: If you don't go to school, won't your life be over?
I said: Not necessarily. There are still many jobs that don't require much knowledge. Besides, the pressure to study is so great, exhausting yourself, and suffering, do you think it is valuable?
Wang Fei said: I think there is still some value.
I said, well, that means learning makes sense.
Wang Fei said: Of course!
I said: Since learning is meaningful, it is meaningful to oneself, not to others.
Wang Fei said: Yes.
I said: How do you test how well your learning is?
Wang Fei said: Exam!
I said, "What do the test results mean?"
Wang Fei said: The test results represent your learning effect during this time.
I said: What does a bad test mean? What to do?
Wang Fei said: Poor examination shows that this part of the knowledge points has not been mastered, and there will be a learning goal in the next period of time, and these knowledge contents will be completed.
I said: How about the bad mood on the test?
Wang Fei said: Still need to say, the test is not good mood depressed, sad!
I said: What if others don't do well?
Wang Fei said: If others do not do well in the examination, it has nothing to do with themselves. I didn't do well in my own exams, and I was under a lot of psychological pressure.
I said: Whoever does not take the exam is under pressure, this is the driving force for learning, and if the exam is not good, you should calm down and seriously understand which knowledge points have not been mastered.
Wang Fei said: Alas! Where is it still quiet! Others are constantly improving, I am constantly regressing, and every time I take a class, I have something I don't understand. Coupled with that Li Wei coughing every day, he coughed, I felt uncomfortable for half a day. There was also Zhang Xiao's big head dangling in front of me, and my attention was all distracted by his head. Yang Yang's pair of bull's eyes at the back table, every time I look back at me, I sit in front of him every day, the back of my head is cold, where can I calm down to listen to the lesson!
I said: This is easy to do, some words will be fine, and it will be big in the heart. Tell the teacher, adjust your seat to Zhang Xiao, you are not willing to say, let your mother say a word to Teacher Zhao. To Yang Yang, grow such a big bull's eyes don't wait for the back of my head every day. Tell Li Wei, brother take care of it, try not to cough in class, make my heart jump, I am about to make you cough into a mental illness. Tell Li Kang, don't make fun of me every day, I'm really crazy, if I'm crazy, I'm not going to break the law if I'm crazy and kill you. Take it easy, between the students, you have to learn to laugh at yourself, others will not go to the heart, giggle and pass. You say very period, I have a lot of problems, everyone take care of it! I'm polite.
When I said this, I found that Wang Fei's eyes had a light.
I said, well, tomorrow you go to school first, see if what I said works, and then we will communicate and tell me about the problems you have encountered during the day.
After school in the evening, Wang Fei did not contact me again, but my mother told me that today, Wang Fei really changed into a person, had spirits, told me that the problems were solved, the teacher also changed his seat, and the classmates also chatted with him. He felt very good.
Wang Fei's case is basically a rewrite of a case I guided. Now Wang Fei's mother will send me Wang Fei's emotions every day, some things in school. Although there will be some pressure occasionally, I have not taken any more leave, and my ranking and grades in the last monthly examination have improved.
In general, when a child encounters a problem, whether diagnosed by a doctor as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, parents should not panic. Cultivate good parent-child feelings and learn to go with the flow to guide in order to finally let children get out of difficulties and grow up healthily.
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Well, that's it for today. I am Yun'er, welcome to continue to watch "Everyone must understand a little psychology", thank you for your trust and support to Yun'er teacher, don't forget to point a thumbs up! Good bye.