Many parents constantly ask me: Teacher Yun'er, how can I let my children go to school? How can I let him learn? How can I get him to work? How can I make him stop playing games with his mobile phone every day?
In fact, when parents ask these questions, they do not accept the fact that their children have mental illness! A healthy person is very receptive to the opinions and suggestions of others. And a person with distorted thinking and cognition will not accept the advice of others.
Teacher Yun Er
And if you always want to use normal thinking and cognition to communicate with a person with mental illness, it means that your problem is quite serious, just like you have to let diabetics eat sugar cubes, and you have to let people with cirrhosis drink liquor.
Over the years, I have contacted and guided many parents, and found that some parents actually have more serious problems than their children's problems. They constantly violate the "three no's principle" and use the "three always thoughts" to dominate the way they communicate with their children, resulting in tension between children and themselves, and children refuse to communicate with their parents.
What is "Three Always Want"? Always want to correct the child's wrong views, always want to persuade the child to listen to you, always want the child to respect you but do not want you to respect the child.
First, let's talk about "always wanting to correct the child's wrong point of view."
Linlin said: I don't want to go to school.
Mom is anxious: You don't want to go to school, why do you go? You won't do anything, will you drink the northwest wind in the future? Other children go to school, don't you lose it if you don't go to school? What will others say about you? Besides, in the future, everyone will go to college and find a good job. And you? I haven't even finished high school, what can I do?
Linlin no longer paid attention to her mother, and when her mother spoke again, she closed the door and did not come out in the house. Mom was in a hurry and couldn't do anything. This is to be fast and not to be reached. The more you try to correct her, the more she runs counter to you, and you don't want to do the rest of the work.
Many parents want to correct their children immediately when they propose not to go to school: What can you do in the future if you do not go to school? In fact, we want our children to know that a better future needs to be achieved through schooling. Of course, people who didn't go to high school or college generally don't starve to death. I also don't always support children not going to school. However, your claim is problematic.
Linlin's mother is also caused by the inertia of thinking, because during Linlin's growth, her mother has become accustomed to "correcting the child's wrong views". And Linlin has also become accustomed to her mother's practice, and of course she is also accustomed to silently confronting her mother.
How should Linlin's mother respond to Linlin's question of not going to school?
I have instructed many parents to deal with the fact that their children do not want to go to school, so that parents can agree to their children's requirements first, which is called going with the flow.
Mom said: Yes, I don't want to go to school, is there any reason for that?
Linlin said: There is no reason, just don't want to go up.
Parents should know that every child who does not want to go to school has various reasons. Don't be in a hurry to ask the reason, first calm yourself and your child. Know what problem your child must be experiencing.
Mom said, then tomorrow I will ask Teacher Zhang for leave.
In this case, Linlin and her mother can communicate calmly and rationally. At the same time, in the process of taking leave with Teacher Zhang, the mother can also learn about the school situation from the teacher and prepare for further guiding the child.
Let's talk about "always trying to convince your child to listen to you."
Zhang Meng did not know when she developed a habit, the first thing she did when she came home from school was to open the mobile phone first, and even hold the mobile phone for dinner, until she saw that it was more than eight o'clock in the evening, and then she randomly coped with the homework. Let's first ignore how Zhang Meng formed this bad habit before. Let's see how Zhang Meng's father convinced Zhang Meng.
Dad said: Cute! This is the 386th time I've said you! Can you put your phone down first! Is it okay to eat first and finish your homework after eating? If you feel idle, help your mother clean up the dining table and help your mother brush the dishes!
Zhang Meng rolled his eyes: I don't care? Why don't you help?
He slammed the door shut.
Zhang Meng's father said 386 times, and once it didn't work, so what is the point of saying it again?
And Wang Han also went home to play with his mobile phone, and Wang Han's father did not say so.
Wang Han's father said: Han Han, what kind of thing is so fascinating?
Wang Han said: Zhang Meng introduced me to a game today, and it was really fun.
Dad said: Is there such a thing as fun? Let me see? Oh, that's pretty good. Eat first, and after eating I'll play with you.
During the meal, Dad said: Didn't you say that Zhang Meng didn't go to school?
Wang Han said: Yes! She couldn't finish her homework every day, and the teacher used to criticize her every day. There's no way around it now. She doesn't study, she doesn't care if she can't go, she doesn't listen to lectures when she goes.
Dad said, such a small child, what do you do at home every day?
Wang Han said: Is it to play games every day?
Dad said: What do you think of the game?
Wang Han said: I am not addicted to games, play for half an hour to relax myself, but also in order to have a topic with other students.
Dad said: Eat quickly, I will play a little later.
The same children play games, different parents, different ways to deal with it, of course, the results are not the same.
Of course, your child is already addicted to it, similar to Zhang Meng, then you have to spend some brain cells to improve the parent-child relationship with the child, and then consider guiding the child.
The third rule: always want the child to respect you but do not want you to respect the child.
Speaking of parental respect for children, it reminds me of the phrase "all people are created equal".
Part of the problem is because the parents spoil the children, and the parents and children lose their fairness. There is a saying that is very graphic, children who cry have milk to eat. In the first few months of the child's birth, as long as there is a cry and a fuss, the parents will immediately satisfy the child, and there is no room for relaxation. I always feel that the child is small, does not understand things, and will not be like this if he understands things. This is good, 30 years old is still like this.
People's desires are unlimited, and some children have no bottom line for shopping, and they buy what they don't want to buy. Some children can buy more than a dozen clothes a month and a famous bag a month. Of course, this requires the ability of the family to have this ability. There are also children who play games for thousands or even tens of thousands a month, and a migrant worker cannot afford to pay. But when is it a head? As long as the parents show a little embarrassment, the child will immediately jump off the building, or cut the wrist, this method has continued for several years or even more than a decade.
The other extreme is that the child has no right to speak at home, everything is decided by the parents, and it is OK when they are young. Specifically, the first and second grades of primary school are OK, and things are not so complicated.
When the child reaches the third grade, problems begin to occur. At this time, children began to compare, whether it was learning or life, or classmate relationship, teacher-student relationship, etc., in short, some confusion began to appear psychologically. At this time, parents cannot face their children with an equal attitude, cannot enter the hearts of children, and be the child's confidant to guide the child, but still use the method of controlling the child to educate the child.
Jiang Xiaoyu's tablemate Li Meng is a rich second generation, wearing a famous brand every day, and the bag is full of all kinds of high-end snacks. Every time Jiang Xiaoyu told his mother about Li Meng's clothes and snacks, her mother said that children should learn, and they should pay attention to eating and wearing. Moreover, Li Meng himself does not earn money, all of which are given by his parents. You and her are compared to learning, don't compare these useless and useless every day.
Once Li Meng gave Jiang Xiaoyu a piece of chocolate and told her that I bought it when my mother and I went to Sweden. Jiang Xiaoyu tasted the chocolate, and it was indeed delicious. After going home, I told my mother about this matter, and my mother was very angry when she heard it, and this was repaid, so that my little fish would not let this Li Meng be damaged. Therefore, the mother contacted the class teacher and asked Jiang Xiaoyu and Li Meng to separate the seats, which stabbed the honeycomb.
As soon as the teacher adjusted the seat, Jiang Xiaoyu immediately knew that it was his mother's request to the class teacher. Li Meng asked Jiang Xiaoyu: It must be that your mother asked Teacher Zhang to change the seat for us. Did she say at home that she wouldn't let you play with me? What's the use of studying well? How much money can your mother earn by studying well? Look, my mom didn't study well enough to take me around the world to play. Am I not tired of studying hard? You see you've learned to be nearsighted and can't afford to wear the clothes I bought.
When Jiang Xiaoyu returned home, he began to question his mother: Did you let Teacher Zhang separate himself from Li Meng? Mom's criticism of Jiang Xiaoyu is another educational criticism. What she never expected was that the obedient little fish was gone, and the little fish in front of her was so angry that it slammed the door and shut herself in the house and did not go out. No matter what her mother said outside, the little fish did not say a word.
Everyone knows the next thing: Jiang Xiaoyu finally did not go to school, except for holding his mobile phone every day to chat and play games, and did not talk to anyone. Mom and Dad still don't understand why their proud child has become what he is now.
Jiang Xiaoyu's parents want to guide Jiang Xiaoyu out of this predicament, they must change this practice of dominating their children's lives, they must start from respecting their children, and this is a long-term process.
Now the child you have to put her on a platform that is beyond your heights. You should never think of your child as someone who doesn't understand anything. First-grade kids playing with cell phones, surfing the Internet, what stars, movies, songs, and even Tianwen-1, China Tianyan, aircraft carriers, space capsules, what Mars exploration, Curiosity. Learn from your kids! Let's grow up with our children.
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Well, that's it for today. I am Yun'er, welcome to continue to watch "Everyone must understand a little psychology", thank you for your trust and support to Yun'er teacher, don't forget to point a thumbs up! Good bye.