Mom Psychology practitioners often ask me in the group:
When my children were young, they were well-behaved and very obedient.
Why is it that once you reach adolescence, it is like a changed person, you begin to rebel and be bored with school, addicted to games, saying a top ten sentences, and not communicating with your family at all?
Parents can think carefully, is the child really becoming so rebellious all of a sudden?
Not really.
The problem of rebellion in children is gradually accumulated, but in adolescence, the problem begins to erupt.
Even, some people are adults, and the psychological pressure accumulated during adolescence develops into serious psychological problems.
There is a book called "Silent Farewell", in which the protagonist Lydia has been carrying the heavy expectations of her parents since she was a child, so she is smart and sensible, and can see through all the regrets and expectations of her parents that have not been exported.
So she took the initiative to take on some dreams that did not belong to her.
Until one day, completely overwhelmed by them.
The author says in the book: All our lives, we want to get rid of the expectations of others and find our true selves.
In fact, there is no rigorous statistical data to show that the more "well-behaved" children, the more psychological problems.
What needs to be distinguished is whether the child is "willing to understand" or "forced to understand", the latter is to be suppressed emotions.
1.
Why do some children go from being well-behaved and sensible to being rebellious?
Children have a natural obedience to their parents, crave love and security from their parents, and are afraid that their words and deeds will disappoint, sad or angry.
Children in a weak position, the more they want to get the love and praise of their parents, the more they will lean on themselves to be "obedient" and "sensible".
In order to be punished and scolded less, the children gradually learned to suppress their true feelings aside, and tried to make themselves likable to the appearance of "good".
2.
To be sensible is to hide one's truest self
In "The Hidden Corner", Zhu Chaoyang is so sensible that it is painful.
After her parents divorced, she lived with her mother, who was busy with work and came home on a rest day.
Zhu Chaoyang eats by himself every day, reads books by himself, attends his own Olympiad classes, and takes care of himself.
In terms of learning, every time is the first place, and the mother Zhou Chunhong attended the parent-teacher conference with unlimited scenery.
Other parents asked her how to educate her children so well, and she just pretended to answer easily:
"Oh, I'm usually very busy, often live in the unit dormitory, and don't care much about him, this child is very independent, don't need much education, he knows how to learn."
The tone and eyebrows were full of unconcealed pride and pride.
What is the actual situation?
The mother only cares about the grades, because of the divorce, the "desire to control" the son is strong, and she rarely cares about Zhu Chaoyang's psychological condition.
What about Dad? More concerned about his new wife and lovely daughter, he did not know him well.
In fact, all this, he knows very well, even if he is bullied at school, he will not tell his parents.
His heart was hidden in the corner of his heart, no one noticed, and his parents were used to the sensible Zhu Chaoyang.
Some parents who take their children to interest classes will also ask their children if they want to participate? Like it or not? Many children will nod their heads, say they like it, and want to participate.
Parents will think that I respect my child, and I signed him up after asking for his opinion.
Is this really the case?
Many parents usually educate their children's attitude and tone of speech, conveying a kind of demand, control, command, and high expectations.
If the child can't do it or refuses, the parent will show sad disappointment and even anger.
Unconsciously, children will have a strong obedience for the happiness of their parents.
After a long time, the backlog of emotions in the heart is more, and it is inevitable to feel depressed and unhappy.
During adolescence, self-awareness continues to sprout, and at this time, emotions and contradictions begin to erupt.
3.
Sometimes, "well-behaved" is not a positive word.
In this era of rapid change, the more "well-behaved" the child, the stronger the attachment, the worse the autonomy, the more backward it is.
When he grows up, he will change from a "well-behaved" child who does not like to refute to a "well-behaved" employee who only promises, a "mommy boy" who emotionally lets his mother do it, and an "older child" who cannot be independent in life.
Zheng Yuanjie once wrote a story: an excellent class teacher, determined to turn the whole class into obedient rabbits, and the parents agreed.
The protagonist Pipilu can only wear rabbit clothes and pretend to be a rabbit, but he is afraid to wear it from the bone marrow for a lifetime.
The whole class applauded Pippilu, who was wearing a rabbit hood, but Pippiru's restrained appearance was even more distressing.
Passive understanding affects growth.
When he was a child, he was well-behaved and sensible, and he was under the pressure of his parents, instinctively hiding his true self, and becoming vulnerable and angry more easily than others.
Wu Xieyu, a single mother in Peking University, was brought up by a single mother, and her mother's educational concept: you have to be mature, you have to be stable, you have to be excellent all the time, you can't have bad places.
What's the point of wearing a personality mask and pursuing a false self?
Children who are not well-behaved are more willing to "toss", dare to try new things, and can take advantage of others' opportunities and become the trendsetters of the times.
From this point of view, people who have achieved high achievements are not "obedient".
4.
What should parents do?
First, let go of the high expectations for your child.
But parents who have too high expectations for their children will often be more demanding on their children in all aspects, and most of them are more critical and accusatory in the education model, and less encouragement and praise.
There is nothing wrong with the psychology of "hoping for a child to become a dragon" and "looking forward to a girl into a phoenix", but there is no need to expect too much, and the excessive pursuit of children to become perfect.
Each child is a different seed that will germinate and grow in his own way.
Parents only need to water and fertilize, and do not have to "pull up seedlings to promote growth".
Second, really reflect on yourself.
When a child listens to us when he is a child, he does not develop the ability to face life alone, adapt to society, and solve problems.
Shifting the focus from the child to yourself, only by touching yourself can you touch the child.
And it is necessary to constantly confirm and express with the child with practical actions, so that the child can fully feel that he is fully accepted.
Accept the child's psychological cold phenomenon, and use our own changes to let him slowly let go of his previous prejudices about us.
Parents themselves become warmer, in order to illuminate the child's cold psychology.
Give your child a chance to express themselves.
We want adolescent children to be obedient, and children want to be able to make their own decisions.
Often they make decisions that are less deliberate and more based on interest, which is far from parents who are well considered.
The flashpoint of the contradiction is that parents always maintain a unilateral indoctrination education for their children, without giving their children the opportunity to express themselves.
Even when children express it, few people who are parents are really listening.
We didn't want to hear that stupid idea we'd all experienced.
But we forget that the child has not experienced it, he needs such an experience.
In the name of his good, we unilaterally asked him to become "obedient".
Children suffer from nowhere to express, suffer from confusion, blindly do what their parents think they should do, but do not know why to do it, and begin to "rebel".
Do you take the time to hear what your child wants to say? Will you quietly watch your child go through trial and error? Will you not blame him when he needs help and is embarrassed to speak?
There are thousands of goals for raising children, and the worst may be the "well-behaved" child!
Mom Psychology opened the video number of Teacher Mo Wei
Hurry up and pay attention!
Every "watching" you ordered I seriously took as "like"