Recently, I had the privilege of participating in an international online psychology forum. This forum aims to explore the revision of the latest standard for personality disorders (ICD-11). One of the keynote speakers was Peter Tyrer, Professor Emeritus of Community Psychiatry at Imperial College London, UK.
He pointed out at the forum: "The new ICD-11 will no longer use the previous classification system to distinguish personality disorders, and will de-label and stigmatize personality disorders." ”
Movie "Edward Scissorhands"
For many years, personality disorders have been a psychological disorder similar to cancer, which has been a constraint everywhere. Personality disorders, even as a lifelong personality problem, require lifelong psychological counseling.
Although it is not like cancer in the body, it can take away people's lives, but it can take away people's spiritual nutrition, making it impossible for people to establish normal interpersonal relationships, and making themselves and those close to them deeply distressed. For many years, however, anyone diagnosed with such a problem was like a rat crossing the street, and everyone shouted and beat them.
The avoidant personality we are talking about here refers only to the possession of such personality traits, not to "obstacles." For example, when a person is in love, he has to break up as soon as he quarrels, agrees to it as soon as he mentions a breakup, and never gets it back, do you think this is cool?
In fact, this is a manifestation of the avoidant personality. If you have a similar problem, you don't need to worry too much about how similar the content is to yourself... Read the full article to find clues to the cracking.
First, the characteristics of the avoidant personality
According to DSM-5 (Diagnostic Manual compiled by the American Academy of Psychiatry), personality disorders in general have the following criteria:
1. A persistent pattern of inner experiences and behaviors that clearly deviate from the expectations of the individual's cultural background, manifested by 2 or more of the following symptoms
a. Cognition (i.e., the way in which one perceives and interprets oneself, others, and events)
b. Emotion (i.e., scope, intensity, instability, and appropriateness of the affective response)
c. Interpersonal function
d. Impulse control
2. Is inflexible and broad, involving many aspects of personal and social situations
3. Cause clinically significant pain or cause social, occupational, or other impairment of vital functions
4. Long periods of time are stable and can be traced back to adolescence or early adulthood
5. Cannot be better explained by the manifestations or outcomes of other mental disorders
6. Physiological effects of a substance (e.g., abused drugs, drugs) or other physical illnesses (e.g., head trauma) that cannot be attributed
Regarding avoidant personality disorder, DSM-5 (diagnostic manual compiled by the American Psychiatric Association) publishes seven characteristics, which meet four or more characteristics, and can be said to have the characteristics of avoidant personality. (Welcome to the right number!) At the same time, we continue to emphasize that personality disorders and personality traits are different in degree, not the same thing, and there is no need to panic even if the following characteristics are met):
1. Avoid occupations that involve more human contact for fear of criticism, denial, or rejection.
2. Unwillingness to deal with people unless you are sure you can be liked.
3. Acting reserved in intimate relationships because of shyness or fear of ridicule.
4. Have a pre-emptive concept of being criticized or rejected in social situations.
5. Inhibited in new interpersonal situations due to a sense of incompetence.
6. Think you're socially awkward, unattractive, or inferior.
7. Because it can be embarrassing, very reluctant to take personal risks to participate in any new activities.
A professional counselor would not rely solely on the DSM-5 guidelines to assert that the person has a personality disorder. Usually the counselor observes the client's status, but the most important "indication" is that the personality trait is inelastic, maladaptive, and persistently leading to severe functional impairment or subjective suffering.
For avoidant personalities, the underlying architecture is: social inhibition, long-term self-perception incompetence, and extremely sensitive patterns to negative evaluations.
To give an example that really happened in the counseling room: Xiao Li felt depressed after several emotional failures, because he was always forced by his parents to go on a blind date.
Under the inquiry, in addition to the emotional problems, Xiao Li was not smooth in terms of work, and he passively gave up the opportunity due to his unwillingness to participate in social interactions several times, and then he felt very painful due to the change in the attitude of colleagues and leaders towards him. The unhappiness of all aspects prompted Xiao Li to come to the consultation room. After the first consultation and measurement, combined with the consultant's face-to-face consultation, Xiao Li suspected that there was a personality level problem, and long-term consultation was recommended to alleviate it.
However, for a Xiao Li who has avoidant personality problems, it takes a lot of courage to enter the door of the consulting room, coupled with the interpersonal pressure of avoidance at work, Xiao Li's economic aspects are not rich, and it is almost impossible to consult for a long time.
2. Evasive Yori koi yo avoidance type personality
At the beginning of a person's life, there are many forms: some people get enough attention and love, forming a secure attachment pattern, laying the background of a lifetime of happiness; some people get far from enough attention, there are cracks in personality; and some people have caused personality disorders due to poor interaction in infancy.
People who are familiar with developmental psychology understand attachment theory. Avoidant attachment is a type of non-secure attachment, accounting for about 20% of the population, and most people can develop a secure attachment (about 60%). It is worth noting that avoidant attachment does not necessarily bring avoidant personality disorder, but only brings avoidant personality characteristics, which is also known as the "personality crack", which can only be personality characteristics and not diseases or disorders.
The characteristics of avoidant attachment, which extend into childhood in infancy, are manifested by:
When the mother leaves, there is no tension or worry (not really not nervous, but calm), the mother returns, ignores or briefly approaches and walks away, showing neglect and avoidance, such children accept the comfort of strangers and the comfort of the mother is no different.
Children who develop avoidant attachment in infancy without psychological intervention will, in adulthood, feel uncomfortable in their social interactions (including intimacy) with those around them; they will find it difficult to fully trust and rely on others. When others are too close to themselves, they will be nervous, and if others want to be closer to themselves, they will obviously feel uncomfortable.
Infants and young children who form avoidant attachment are mostly born with unmet emotional attachment needs. For example, babies lie alone in cribs or are victims of cry immunity – some parents over-advocate raising their children to be self-reliant, starting with dolls.
However, it is not a few times of self-reliance training that will make the child develop avoidant attachment, it must be a long-term, intense independent training that will make the child form an insecure attachment type of avoidant type.
There is a scene in the TV series "The Hidden Corner" that better illustrates the environment in which avoidant attachment is formed from childhood to adolescence.
Zhu Chaoyang's mother handed Zhu Chaoyang a cup of milk and asked him to drink it quickly, Zhu Chaoyang said that the milk was too hot and wanted to drink it again after a while. At this time, my mother said, drink quickly, I will finish brushing the cup. Zhu Chaoyang made it clear that his stomach was very full and he could not drink.
His mother gritted her teeth angrily: "Then fall!" ”
The mother and son looked at each other for a few seconds, and Zhu Chaoyang could only reflect his suffocation and helplessness through silent words, and was forced to drink the milk.
This performance in the play makes the audience feel powerless and suffocated, the kind of repression that is firmly controlled by the mother and powerless to resist, and comes across the screen. Subsequently, the mother vented to Zhu Chaoyang the fragility and anxiety of many years.
In a family where the father is barely visible, an impeccable mother who has toiled hard to take on the responsibilities of the whole family is the most deadly. All her forbearance and repression need to be transferred to the child, and she urges the child to grow up quickly, and urges the child to quickly take on the part that should be borne by the adult.
The child in such an environment has no choice, he has no right to choose what he wants, cannot be angry, cannot be willful, and is forced to accommodate the mother's emotions. Faced with the mother's intensive emotional needs, the child feels bored, mad and unable to avoid it.
As an adult, when he enters into an intimate relationship, any intimacy, the anxiety of his partner, will evoke the suffocation of his life with his mother - that is, the avoidant person can only protect his inner order by avoiding.
Third, how to heal the avoidant personality
When encountering clients with avoidant personalities, the counselor has many ways to help them, and each method is professional and effective. So, as an avoidant self, how do you heal yourself? Here are a few directions:
1. Be aware of your own needs
Because of the emotional needs that are ignored in childhood, some people may not understand what emotional expectations they have, which requires months or even years to understand themselves and explore their real inner needs.
Prepare a diary, start with the simplest things to know yourself, and make close friends with yourself first. For example, what things embarrass you today, which person makes you feel annoying, even if it is only a little, do not comfort yourself, it does not matter, it does not matter... Don't let go of every discomfort and record it.
Because, you are likely to have habitually hypnotized yourself, saying that you don't care, that you are very tolerant, that you don't care... Don't be brainwashed by the ideas in your head that you are too pretentious and too things, this is your real emotional needs, it needs to be satisfied.
2. Satisfy your own needs
After understanding yourself step by step and becoming aware of your own needs, you must try to prioritize your own needs.
Satisfying yourself here is not to meet your endless material needs materially, to burst your credit card to buy bags to buy clothes and game equipment, but to encounter discomfort, first make yourself smooth and comfortable, and learn to make yourself comfortable, which is the real satisfaction of yourself.
And material satisfaction and rewarding oneself is not impossible, but it is not the main thing, if the economic conditions are not abundant, it is easy to make one's life that is not rich in the first place.
3. Express your needs to the outside world
This step is very difficult for the avoidant personality, and at first I feel a little weird, and it will be much better to break through.
Never question yourself, and there's no shame in expressing your needs. After learning to express, if the relationship between you has increased and you feel afraid, you can still bring up this part of your needs, such as your fear of friends and colleagues being too close and too close.
It's not that you don't have a bad opinion of the other person, it's not that you don't love each other, but what happened to you when you were growing up made you uncomfortable with this state.
This is an objectively existing emotional experience, and there is nothing embarrassing about saying it.
4. Take the initiative to be aware of the needs of the other party
Being aware of the other person's emotions, needs, and then helping, is what we often call empathy. Avoidant personalities tend to not only avoid their own needs, but also turn a blind eye to the requests of others.
It is worth noting that when you take the first few steps and slowly feel that you have become full, satisfied, and have excess power, you can start this step. Otherwise don't start.
The premise of understanding the other party is to understand oneself, and the premise of satisfying the other party is to satisfy oneself first, and only in this way is love that gives to the other party. Otherwise, it is "lending" in a loving relationship, and you will unconsciously demand that the other party repay the "high interest" of love.
Fourth, how to manage intimate relationships with avoidant personalities
If you find that the boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, and relatives you like are avoidant attachment or have avoidant personality traits, then first ask yourself, are you a stable and safe person? What are your reasons for wanting to be with the other person, and what are your needs or expectations in the relationship?
1. Get rid of idol plots
We have our imagination for love or intimacy. Many of this imagination comes from novels, idol dramas, and idealized love.
But if your relationship partner is an avoidant personality, the first thing you have to do is get rid of the assumption in your head that "love should have been..." Because the real love is unlikely to be the plot of the idol drama, he/she has his or her own way of thinking and behavior patterns, and does not give a template in advance.
2. You need to let go of some self-needs
Choosing an avoidant partner means that you have to care and understand each other more, and if you can, you can move on.
And if you can't do it, then the road ahead is long, you let go as soon as possible, you can't survive him (her): "What's not to do, the first place in the Cold War."
Love always has to sacrifice, not that the person who has to give is always you, he does not have to pay, but you choose him (her), which means that you have to give more, give more, he/she will feel safe.
3. "Let the bullets fly for a while"
The same thing, in the avoidant partner, you may need to wait for him or her, he or she needs enough boot time to start the program. So, you need to put in a lot of patience and love to make the other person trust that your relationship is safe and secure.
If all three of the above can be done, then, congratulations, there is still a good chance to "tame" an avoidant lover. Otherwise, sooner or later your relationship will part ways. The above methods also apply to other relationships such as friends and relatives.
5. Summary
In general, don't try to change others, the secret to changing others is to change yourself first.
1. Avoidant personality disorder and avoidant personality are the relationship between disease and non-disease. Avoidant personality is our characteristics as human beings, if we can accept ourselves well and find the magic weapon to get along with others, we can achieve reconciliation with our own personality. This is very good and does not require conditioning and long-term psychological counseling. Avoidant personality disorder is a psychological disorder that requires long-term psychotherapy and drug intervention when other problems are combined.
2. Insecure attachment in early years is the basis of avoidant personality, but it does not always develop into a personality disorder. Instead of wasting decades complaining about the improper parenting of your parents, it is better to find an antidote, become your own parents, learn to be aware, read yourself, and care for yourself.
3. There are four aspects of healing yourself, the underlying logic is to first identify yourself, understand your own needs, and then satisfy yourself, to meet others is based on satisfying yourself, you can not use your own "skills" to observe the color to satisfy others, so that in the end, you will feel that the other party owes themselves.
4. In an intimate relationship, instead of confusing the avoidant personality whether it loves itself or not, it is better to think about the direction of the relationship. If the relationship is going on, it's best not to try to heal the avoidant personality, but to let go of the illusion and be companion.
Children who grow up in a heart-wrenching and repressive parent-child relationship are only getting older, and because they have taken on the adult part prematurely, they are busy pretending to be "adults", ignoring the real growth of the heart, and have been stuck in the stage of a overwhelmed child. By pretending to be strong and independent, surviving in the world, there is nothing wrong with this, and it shows that you are strong.
When you are not confused about the outside world, there is no need to change, because you are very powerful, but if the outside world bothers you, even several times and three times of love and can not be, very painful, you need to explore yourself. This is the evolutionary process in which you give up the shell and become more powerful! Even if it hurts, it only takes courage!
If you really lack courage, instead of expecting family, loved ones, and friends to pay attention to you unconditionally, find a professional counselor. They will know how to give you courage, how to better accompany you on your adventures, and spend this journey together.