Source | Forint Mommy (ID: fligmmgf)
Yesterday afternoon, the neighbor mother came to bring our homemade cake with her child, and the mother was in the back, and the child was holding the plate carefully and stumbling, and said to me:
"Auntie, my mother made her own little cake today, please taste it."
I took it and said thank you to the child, the child was very excited, his mother came over and patted the child's shoulder, told me that you were not welcome, and then took the child away.
I heard the mother say to the child as she walked:
"You're doing a great job, you don't think it's that hard, right?"
It can be seen that the mother is accompanying the child to exercise the ability to communicate with strangers.
This mother and I have talked about it, her children are more introverted, which has always been her problem, and the more she advises the children to be cheerful, the more the children shrink back, rarely playing with other children.
This time the child was able to come out, which was very admirable.
In fact, about the child's personality, whether it is introverted or extroverted has its own advantages, as long as it does not affect normal life, we can let the child develop according to their own preferences.
However, introverted children tend to develop an avoidant personality during their growth, which is not conducive to the growth of children.
Because you are not good at many things, you will avoid it little by little and retreat to the environment that makes you comfortable, so that the child's comfortable space will become smaller and smaller and more closed.
In the future, in learning and work, children will also choose to avoid difficulties, and it is difficult to make progress and growth.
What is avoidant personality?
Avoidant personality is a type of personality characterized by comprehensive social inhibition, a sense of incompetence, and extreme sensitivity to negative evaluations.
Patients begin to exhibit characteristics such as shyness, loneliness, fear of seeing strangers, and fear of unfamiliar environments in early childhood or childhood.
And from introverted to avoidant personality, there will be a process, if the child is found to have such signs of transformation, then the parents will have to pay more attention:
1. Evaluation of introverted personality
If introversion is an innate personality attribute, then some children develop into a healthier introvert in the day after tomorrow, although they do not take the initiative to talk to people, but they can also behave very freely when they are talked to themselves, while some introverted children are becoming more and more introverted.
This is mainly the child's evaluation of introversion, if you feel inferior, it will aggravate the child's introversion and avoidance tendencies.
Inferiority psychology is caused by the child's low evaluation of himself, the child always feels that he is not good enough, he is not good enough, he will want to reduce his sense of existence more, into a habitual avoidance state.
2. How you handle things that you are not good at
Introverted children are not very good at getting along with people, enlivening the atmosphere, and showing themselves, and children are bound to encounter these problems when they grow up.
If the child deals with these things that are not good at, the way to do it is to avoid, and as the child fails more and more, he becomes more and more resistant to these things, it will form an avoidant personality.
When children have too much imaginary fear of these things that they are not good at, they will become more and more hesitant.
Once I took my son to play in the small square downstairs, and several children chased and played together, shared toys, and squatted together to discuss games, and the atmosphere was good.
Next to me was a mother with her own son, about the same age as the children.
The child clearly has a desire in his eyes, but he does not dare to come forward to join, even if the mother has been encouraging, the child will not go over.
3. Over-reliance on familiar people
In addition, parents also play a key role in guiding their children.
Children have a natural guard against unfamiliar environments and strange people, so they will rely heavily on familiar people around them, hoping to hide behind them, hoping that they will help them deal with the situation in front of them.
Blindly satisfying the child's current dependence is easy for the child to become more dependent on you.
Have you ever seen such a child at the banquet, in the face of many people who do not know, some children are relatively quiet all the time, have been relying on their mothers, no matter what they do, they call their mothers together, and even if they want to eat, they also want their mothers to help clip.
If the mother blindly maintains the child, it is actually equivalent to creating a cocoon for the child that can make him feel safe, and the thicker the cocoon, the more difficult it is for the child to break the cocoon.
So why do children tend to fall into an avoidant personality?
I think this has something to do with the "safe space" in the child's heart.
Some children have a small safe space, think that only in their own room is the safest, can do what they want;
Some children think that the home is a safe space, so they can do whatever they want at home, and such children are prone to the old saying "nest horizontal, outside instigated";
Some children can use the environment they have visited many times as a safe space, such as school, such as the home of a good friend;
There are also children who think that everywhere is safe, that he can move freely in any space, and that he will not feel restrained...
When several children come to a strange environment together as guests, we will observe that different children will have different performances, some are more restrained, some are more free, and some will always be hidden around their mothers.
The larger the safe space, the less likely the child is to be afraid of things, and the less the avoidance tendency will occur, that is, the child will be bolder.
In this sense, bear children can "do things" in various environments, but also because they are "bold" and have a wide range of safe spaces in their hearts, and strangers will not make him feel afraid.
So how can parents help their children expand their safe space and correct their children's avoidance tendencies?
1. Give your child enough basic security
Speaking of security, a critical period when a child's sense of security is established at the age of 0-3.
Between the ages of 0-3, the more fully the mother's company, the more affirmative the love for the child, the more confident the child is, and the more secure the security.
2. Help your child improve their self-confidence
Too low self-evaluation is an important reason for children's lack of confidence and insecurity.
When the child says that I can't do it, I won't, I can't do it, parents should give the child some encouragement, not blindly encouraging him to do it, but encouraging him to have the courage to do it.
There are many competitions held for children in Europe and the United States, parents will attach great importance to it, dress up to attend, and these challenges themselves are not difficult, children complete a one-sentence performance on the stage, parents on the stage will applaud, such encouragement is the motivation for children to continue to challenge.
And if the child doesn't behave well, the family will hug him and tell him that you did it, which is great.
3. Don't over-force your child
If the child begins to avoid, parents should not be in a hurry, do not scold the child, this will only make the child more self-blame, let the child feel that those challenges are more terrible.
Try to let the child start with some acceptable challenges, let him find it not as difficult as imagined, and slowly build up courage to really help the child find self-confidence.
For example, the mother mentioned at the beginning, accompanied by the child to deliver a small cake to the neighbor, stands behind the child, providing him with strength and reducing the difficulty of the challenge.
4. Let your child find what he is good at
Children can find a sense of security in the things they are good at.
Attending a party between children, a little transparent who does not know how to talk to others, and a talented child who is very good at playing the violin, the psychological impact on children is not the same.
When he has something he is very good at, he will attract many people who are interested in him and worship him, which will allow the child to smoothly integrate into the group and gain the respect of others.
In many hero-themed films, the protagonist may have been a humble child, introverted, and weak, but he also had a desire to be brave.
Helping children overcome the escapist mentality, find their own super abilities, and let his brave heart that is not afraid of difficulties shine again, this is a cool thing parents can do.
*Source: Fowling Mommy, national senior nursery teacher, child health nutritionist, 2 million fans on the whole network, more than 1 billion readers, learn some parenting knowledge every day, raising children more easily.