"This child is more introverted and doesn't like to talk," Xiao Za's mother said to the guests with a smile.
Whenever there were guests at home, Xiao Za would turn his head and return to his room as he did now. Xiao Za's mother would explain to the guests every time that the child was an introvert and did not like to talk.
However, such a personality is actually not an introvert. Because introverted children do not completely refuse to communicate with others, and Xiao za is different, when he sees strangers, or some acquaintances who are not infrequently communicating, he will show a state of "escape", that is, he is unwilling to talk to people, nor is he willing to look directly, always dodging, and avoiding interaction with others as much as possible.
If when he "can't hide", Xiao Za will even get angry and lose his temper. In addition, Xiao Za does not only have such a situation when he sees a stranger, he also has a similar situation when he encounters certain things.
For example, when encountering some small troubles in life, Xiao Za will put "trouble" aside, not choose to take the initiative to solve, but choose to escape, because Xiao Za feels that time can dilute everything, including trouble.
This kind of thinking, which is obviously incorrect, runs away from trouble without solving it will only have two consequences: the trouble is getting bigger and bigger, and the trouble is always there.
Therefore, Xiao Za is not an introvert at all, but an "avoidant personality".
The child has a specific manifestation of an "avoidant personality"
It is mentioned in the Journal of Science Teaching (Mid-Term) that "avoidant personality disorder is a type of personality disorder that is closely related to anxiety"
It can be seen that this personality has a relatively large impact on the growth of children, so what specific manifestations will it have?
Performance one: Like to be alone
On the road to growth, it is very normal to encounter some difficult problems that are difficult to solve immediately, but when encountering this kind of thing, the correct approach of people should be to actively analyze and take the initiative to solve, so that their growth path will not be hindered, and they can make themselves more excellent.
However, children with "avoidant personality" are not like this, they often do not like to take the initiative to solve problems, when encountering things, children with "avoidant personality" like to escape, like to go to some places that they think are safe, like to put themselves in a comfortable state, and use this to carry out "psychological comfort".
This practice has a self-deceptive connotation, because they often like to convince themselves that they have "overcome difficulties" by enjoying this comfortable feeling, so as to forget the difficulties and get rid of them.
When they are self-psychologically comforting, they will often be alone, the purpose of this is to be able to better carry out "self-anesthesia", the second is to avoid the interference of others, to avoid more "trouble" after contact with others, so they seem to like to stay alone.
However, in their hearts, they don't really like loneliness, but they are more afraid of more problems caused by communication.
For example, when you're chatting with a stranger, you don't know what to talk about, and the scene is awkward, so you want to get rid of this environment, and you don't have this embarrassment when you are alone. If you force yourself to chat with each other, you may talk about some inappropriate topics, such as belief taboos, habit taboos, etc., thus angering each other, producing a worse impact than embarrassment, in order to eliminate these effects, you need to solve more trouble.
Performance two: sensitive inferiority, negative thinking
Children with an "avoidant personality" are also sensitive and inferior, and this characteristic is actually very much related to the negativity of their thinking.
These children are actually born like normal children, do not have any inferiority psychology, but in the process of growing up, it is likely to have inferiority complexes due to tutoring and other reasons.
For example, some elderly parents often like to use criticism education, do not mention the advantages of their children all day, but they nag about their children's shortcomings endlessly, and even sometimes have formed a habit.
Children growing up in such an environment will also become inferior, and because parents often criticize themselves, children will be very sensitive to any sentence, will think that every sentence has the meaning of criticizing themselves, and thus become very sensitive.
And when a child's self-perception is "what to do", the child's thinking will become negative.
In fact, before the child has this negative thought, the child has also tried very hard to change, but it is ignored by the parents, which eventually leads the child to completely think that he is an "incompetent person", thus becoming negative, after all, even if he is positive, it is useless.
These children who are troubled by the "avoidant personality" will become very sensitive and inferior in the process of growing up later, and no matter how good they are, they will not think that they are excellent.
Performance three: very insecure
Security is very important for the growth of children, this degree of importance can be said to be the first, almost all personality defects have the factor of insufficient security.
When the child has a sufficient sense of security, the child will not escape in the face of difficulties, because the child has a solid spiritual pillar, and the child believes that whether he is able to handle things well or not, he will have a solid backing to help himself, so the child will have a better willingness to play and is more willing to deal with difficulties.
When the child is insecure, the child is very worried about his own behavior that he cannot "clean up the aftermath", so he will choose to escape, just as the so-called "do not seek merit but seek no fault", which is the typical performance of the "avoidant personality".
The emergence of an "avoidant personality" in children is mostly related to these reasons
Sukhomlinsky said: "The spiritual world of the child cannot be transformed into a mere learning of knowledge".
Many parents are actually too concerned about the cultivation of their children's cultural knowledge, but they ignore the cultivation of other aspects of their children, resulting in the emergence of avoidant personality.
So, what are the reasons for the "avoidant personality" of children?
The child's self-perception is biased
The biggest factor in the emergence of a child's "avoidant personality" is probably a problem with the child's self-awareness.
Children want to grow, it is very necessary to have correct self-awareness, because "knowing oneself and knowing the other" can "win every battle", after the child is familiar with his own ability, he will have a more realistic judgment when doing things, so that children can choose the best way to do things, improve the efficiency of doing things, and increase their own growth speed and effect.
Therefore, if the child's self-perception is biased, then the child may not recognize how good he is.
[For example]: The child's strength can move 20 pounds of things, but the child thinks that he can only move 2 pounds of things, so when he encounters 10 pounds of things, the child will think that he has encountered "difficulties".
The environmental impact of a child's life
The child's living environment is very important for the child's personality development, especially the child's family life environment. If the parent adopts an inappropriate home tutoring method, then the child will have the problem of personality defects.
For example, we talked about criticism education before, if parents often let their children live in a family environment full of negative remarks and behaviors, then the children cannot feel the normal family atmosphere, so they cannot fully cultivate the sound personality of the children, because in the child's life, there are many necessary educational factors, such as encouragement, praise, affirmation, honor, pride, etc., which are necessary factors to ensure that the child has a complete personality.
How can I avoid my child from forming an avoidant personality?
Herrick said, "If you want to get things done, you have to leave cowardice." Therefore, we must let the child get rid of the avoidant personality, so that the child can get a better growth effect.
So, what should parents do?
First, learn to take advantage of the "Hawthorne effect" and let the child change slowly.
The Hawthorne effect is simply that when a person is concerned by others, his efficiency will be improved.
I believe that many people have such an experience, when they do things alone, they may "get by and get by", but when they are watched, they will "keep improving".
Therefore, we can use this effect to change the problem of children's "avoidant personality". For example, parents can gradually increase their attention to their children, so that children can slowly change in life.
Second, strengthen the understanding of children.
Educating children is not a simple thing, it is not just for food and drink, but also need to give children some conceptual guidance, behavior guidance and so on.
Of course, when it comes to education, everyone does not just express the correct concept, the purpose of education is to let children receive parents' education.
Therefore, parents should learn to look at the problem from the perspective of the child, and educate the concept and knowledge in a way that the child can accept, so that it will be effective.
Finally, you can expose your child to some beautiful things.
There are good things and bad things in this world, and their impact on children's development is also different.
Just as the so-called "benevolent people see the benevolent, the wise see the wise", if in the child's growth process, most of the parents let the child contact are some beautiful things, then the child will feel that the world is really beautiful, thus generating a positive will, willing to take the initiative to contact the world.
However, if the child is constantly exposed to some bad things, then the child will think that the world is bad, resulting in avoidance behavior. Therefore, parents should give their children a "better world".
【Today's Interaction】: Does your child have an "avoidant personality"? How do you usually educate your children?
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