Be a sixty parent, just right

Before watching the Internet said to be sixty parents, better than 100% parents, has not been very understanding.

I read an article today, which is a netizen's feeling based on the movie "Happiness Knocks on the Door". I have read it several times, and if I have any understanding, I will share and discuss it with you.

"Happiness Knocks on the Door" is based on a true story, so the film itself is also worth watching, thinking, feeling, and adjusting with our hearts.

The article says that a 60-point parent is the best parent, able to raise the healthiest child.

Then, as parents of mentally ill children, we stepped into the heavy years of old age and small age, and suddenly found that we raised the most unhealthy children, and the fate of the family took a big turn. Can you still turn back? How long does it take? What went wrong? How many points can we score as parents? What should we do next?

I think this should be a problem that every parent does not think about tea, does not want to eat, cannot sleep at night, frowns and bitter faces, is in great pain, and is pressed on the heart every day.

Many parents said that in the past, many levels were difficult to break through, but when it came to the child's level, they felt very powerless, especially desperate and helpless.

The article said that "in these 60 points, Chris is a hero, a reliance, and a source of security for children."

First, no matter when and where, never give up on children.

Chris always believed that he could be a good father and take good care of his son.

Second, in the harsh reality, create happiness for children.

While carrying the burden of life, Chris strives to bring sunshine to his son. ”

The author of the article mentions a new term "affection without temptation: the most beautiful emotion of parents for their children is that I love you deeply and do not set any conditions for you." ”

Don't you think that's what we call "unconditional love"?

The article said: "Of the remaining 40 points, he was a loser.

Because he will break his word, he will get angry, and there will be many moments of powerlessness.

Use 60 points to provide love and support to children, and the remaining 40 points to confess their limitations and powerlessness to children.

So that the child feels: Dad loves me and will do his best to protect me.

But Dad is not omnipotent, and there will be times when he can't do it. ”

Parents with 60 points can properly provide love and support for their children, "deep affection without temptation", or "unconditional love", parents and children have built a bridge between them to connect emotions - there is love, enthusiasm, and life energy flowing. Let the child feel the solid support from behind the parents, and the joy and fullness from the heart.

Yes, the beloved child has the confidence, will not be excessively afraid of failures and setbacks, will be fearless, and bravely move forward.

A child of one of my friends told my mother: "In fact, we will have a lot of pressure at school, but as long as we get enough love at home, then I am not easy to get hurt and give up, and I have the strength to bear and persevere." ”

Why is 60 points just right, better than 100 points for parents?

Because 100 points parents are too capable, they pay too much attention to their children, often depriving children of the opportunity to think and try independently. Therefore, the child lacks the exercise process of overcoming difficulties and completing tasks independently, resulting in a lack of self-efficacy, resulting in the idea of "Mom and Dad are very strong, and I am incompetent". You will unconsciously choose to rely on your parents, and the subjective initiative of learning will continue to fade, and you will slowly become bored with learning, and even world-weary. The life energy and internal drive were seriously threatened, and gradually they lived listlessly and lifelessly.

Therefore, 100 points of parents is a kind of inhibition of children's life energy and internal drive, which will weaken the enthusiasm of children to grow independently.

Of course, 0 points parents are worse. They are completely unable to provide love and support to their children, and even absent from their children for many years in their growth, living as a tablet in the family. "Absent dad, anxious mom", among the parents who scored 0 points, more are dads.

Children raised by 0 parents will have two extremes:

First, there is a serious lack of strength in the heart: there is no opinion, everything is obedient and dependent on others.

Second, excessive barbarism, lawlessness: lack of rules and boundaries, often offending others without knowing it.

The British psychologist Winnicott described the self this way: "Everyone's self is like a ball of energy, and every ball of energy wants to stretch itself." ”

Then, parents with 60 points, frank about their limitations and powerlessness, are giving their children the space to extend their energy outwards.

Therefore, each of our parents has given up the harsh requirements for ourselves and moved closer to 60 points, 60 points, and one more point is wasted.

To sum up, it is called "the part that can be done, try to do it." If you can't do it, accept it calmly. ”

So, in the face of the child's needs, "you don't try your best to say that you can't do it, it's an escape." You try your best and still can't do it, it's sincere. ”

Only with the determination to be a good parent and the willingness to continue to work hard for it, even if you can't do it in the end, you are already a good parent.

There is a wise friend who gives other parents such a trick, and when the child always proposes one reason or another to transfer schools, and threatens not to go to school without transferring, the parents do not know how to deal with it. Friends said that to let children participate in the whole process of trying to transfer schools, let children know the hardships and difficulties of seeking people to do things, the key is attitude, so that children can see that parents attach importance to his feelings and opinions, and have done their best. It's not that it can't be done, it's that it can't be done. Sure enough, although the transfer was not successful in the end, the child was willing to accept it calmly and happily signed up for school.

For my part, I will also honestly confess to my daughter about my limitations and powerlessness in terms of financial ability and emotional control.

I would tell my daughter, how did I grow up? What does my family of origin look like? Therefore, in terms of emotional control and management, it will be lower than the human average, it will be uncontrollably irritable, angry, and the problem-solving thinking will be relatively single and rigid. Sometimes, in the face of sudden or complex situations, the brain will have a blank, or "buzzing" feeling that it is about to explode, and it is uncontrollably crazy. So, sometimes, maybe she's right. But you need to give your mother enough time to think and buffer.

Once upon a time, I listened to a friend's words, saying that we should establish the authority of parents in front of our children, pretend to be particularly strong, and do not let children see the fragility, weakness, shortcomings and deficiencies of parents, otherwise they will not be able to stop their children. But I didn't have the strength, pretended to be different, and finally used anger and shame, and used anger, orders, moral kidnapping, and control as weapons to forcibly suppress the child. As a result, both sides were defeated.

Now, I have learned to be my true self, to confess my limitations and inadequacies to my daughter, and my heart is much more relaxed. Getting along with my daughter has also become more harmonious. Probably because my daughter felt that her mother was so weak and pitiful, I still don't want to be embarrassed for her. So, let me go. Sometimes, seeing that I am depressed because of an event, they will come to explain me. In short, I was no longer her enemy, but a friend.

On the financial side, I would also admit that mom is just an ordinary woman, although subjectively hoping to make more money and fulfill all her wishes. But objectively speaking, it can only ensure food and clothing, and do her best to fulfill some of her wishes. It wasn't that her desires were excessive, but that her mother's abilities were limited.

"Contented within the scope of ability, mildly rejected outside the scope of ability." Indeed, it works. "I understand, but...", first empathy, acceptance, and then warm rejection, this is a very good sentence.

During the Spring Festival, I watched her teach her five-year-old little sister, who had a board and eyes, "If you like it, do you want to buy it?" Then I like the big villa, you go buy it for me back! No money? You also know that you have to have money before you can buy it. Therefore, to live within your means, you can buy as many things as you want. Learn to save, you know? ”

Really, give up being a 100-point parent and be a 60-point parent. Because I do what I can do within the scope of my ability, I become very relaxed and happy, my anxiety is reduced a lot, I can move forward lighter, and my life has become more and more beautiful.