Recently, a "small thing" happened in my mother's house.
Originally, I promised my baby to eat the fried chicken I wanted to eat on the weekend, but I was delayed due to something.
When I got home, I was too tired to go, and the child was still clamoring to eat fried chicken.
In a fit of anger, he began to blame the child's "ignorance"
"Mom is so tired, you still have to argue with me, I might as well not give birth to you"
It was a sentence on the head of the angry head, but after calming down, I regretted it.
The next day I wanted to take the child to "fulfill the promise", but the child remembered my words yesterday and made sure that I apologized.
After thinking about it again and again, although it was very awkward, I still apologized to the child, after all, I usually teach her this way.
At this time, I will also think of my parents.
When we were young, we were wronged or beaten, and our parents would apologize and at most call you for a meal, and this matter would be over.
Now that I think about it, this kind of "Chinese-style parental apology" will actually bring harm to many children.
Parental apologies are a topic worth pondering.
one
Have you ever thought about this question:
The role of "parent" with its own glory is often difficult to apologize to the child for his mistakes.
Psychologist Guy Winch says that a person who has obviously done something wrong but is unwilling to apologize is protecting his inner fragile self.
Parents who are reluctant to apologize use seemingly powerful appearances to defend against inner weakness.
Once you admit it:
They don't develop a moderate sense of guilt about behavior because of "this thing, I did it wrong";
Instead, he sensed that "the whole of me was wrong" and felt a strong sense of shame about himself.
“
If you apologize, will you lose face in front of your children?
If I admit that I was wrong, it means that I am ignorant and stupid;
……
Because of this, they will try to avoid apologizing and use "anger, indifference, alienation" and other methods to regain their sense of power.
This is especially true in the context of power blessings,
For example, parents apologize to their children.
Chinese culture emphasizes "filial piety".
A tradition that has been passed down for thousands of years tells us that to be filial and obedient to parents, children must be obedient and obedient.
But
If the child knows that he is doing something wrong, is it not detrimental to "authority"? So parents will desperately deny:
"When did it happen, and how come I don't remember it?"
"How long has it been since you mentioned it?"
"Children have to scold to be able to control, and you are fine now because I control it strictly."
This type of parent is accustomed to wearing the mask of "anger, alienation, and indifference" to make themselves look strong and stable;
They often have difficulty bowing their heads, and may even aggravate their accusations against their children amid guilt, anger, and grievances.
"Daddy/Mom is so big that it's better to have a dog than to keep you"
"We are so good to you, you are not satisfied"...
But as a child, I can't help but be disappointed and sad.
Even many years later, recalling those moments of "disappointment" will wet your eyes.
Huang Zhizhong said in "Strange Story":
"Chinese parents have been waiting for their children to be grateful all their lives, while Chinese children have been waiting for their parents to apologize all their lives."
two
Maybe there's a warm drama that can give parents the answer.
"Please Answer 1988", some people say that it is a utopia of family, friendship and love.
Every emotion it interprets is extremely beautiful.
The female protagonist Deshan is the second eldest in the family, and between the sister of xueba and the baby brother, she is often an undervalued child.
The two chicken legs of fried chicken are also one for the sister and one for the younger brother.
Because the birthday and the sister are only three days apart, the family is tight, and they can only "share" a birthday with their sister.
Like deshan in the first episode of the show, who was aggrieved to the point of losing control of his emotions, he roared and shouted: Why am I the only deshan? Why call me virtuous.
The reason why there is such an emotion is that Deshan has said to his parents many times that he does not want to spend his birthday with his sister, even if it is only 3 days apart, he also wants to live only for his own birthday.
But my parents never took such a request seriously.
After Deshan had finished venting, perhaps she decided to accept reality after calming down.
But for parents, the child's grievances and disappointments have been engraved in their hearts.
So, Dad took the cake and made up for Deshan's birthday.
At this moment, the father put down the shelf, seriously apologized, and comforted the snubbed daughter and said:
"I wasn't born a dad, my dad is also a dad for the first time."
This sentence touched countless viewers, perhaps touched by the simple but sincere father's love, or perhaps remembering their own experience and being wronged.
A simple apology is far more powerful than endless accusations.
However, many parents' solutions will only push their children farther away.
On December 20, a video of a 15-year-old girl beating her mother for buying a mobile phone was posted online.
For a moment, all the condemnations poured in.
"Today's children really have no conscience"
"I have to buy such an expensive mobile phone, and I covet vanity at a young age"
"It's not right to beat people with your hands, beat the people who gave birth to you and raised you, and get angry when you look at them"
But has anyone ever cared about the truth?
The hard-working girl saved 4,000 yuan, and her mother promised to sponsor 2,000 yuan to take her to buy a dream mobile phone.
The mother who temporarily repented, in order to make herself appear less "hateful".
First of all, he rebelled, and then he verbally stimulated his daughter in full view of everyone, engaged in moral kidnapping, and finally forced the child to be in a state of psychological stress, behaving abnormally, like a "madman".
Zheng Yuanjie, the king of fairy tales, once said that the killer who destroys children is the ugliness of children in public.
To insult him in front of all, to belittle him, to make him ugly in public, to be self-conscious, so that he will be ashamed of himself and afraid of society.
This contradiction between mother and daughter could have been properly handled with a sincere apology, and finally ended with the daughter's filial piety and the mother's physical injury, and the ending was both defeated.
This matter was made on the Internet, and everyone suddenly found that the girl's experience was not an isolated case.
Many netizens said that their parents are like the mothers in the video.
They really think that teaching children and letting passers-by watch can leave a deep impression on children, let children obey, teach lessons for a long time, and dare not repeat themselves next time.
"Control your child with fear and shame and cover up your mistakes perfectly."
three
People are not cold puppets, and even the youngest children know cold and warm.
Many parents push their children farther and farther away from themselves because of their own education methods, and the gains are not worth the losses.
In China, it has always been difficult for parents to apologize to their children.
I often know that I am wrong, I clearly love my children in my heart, but on the surface I have the momentum of a long life, and I am not willing to bow my head easily.
Because they can't say it, Chinese parents often choose to express their inner apologies euphemistically through the intersection of life.
For example: calling the child to eat, or deliberately finding some topic to talk to the child.
Mrs. Sterna, an American educationalist, once said: "A parent who has the courage to admit his mistakes and explore a new starting point for conversation is far more lovely than a stubborn and domineering parent." ”
Therefore, in order to help children build a sense of belonging and proper self-identification, parents need to give their children a formal apology.
1
Understand your child's feelings
Parents can recall that the resentment and unfairness of the past are the same as the feelings of their children being wronged.
This way of empathy, pushing oneself and others can help parents understand their children's true feelings.
For children, a sentence of "Mom (Dad) understands you" can touch them more than "I'm sorry".
Express your feelings to your child
Parents can express their identification with their children's emotions before expressing their emotions to their children at that time, or explain the reasons for the mistake.
For example:
"I was so angry that I couldn't control my temper."
"I lost my temper with you without understanding the reason for the incident"
This kind of descriptive speech, rather than simply "sorry", can make children understand how parents feel at that time, and can also trigger children to introspect their behavior.
Replace negative apologies with a positive attitude
Ordinary parents apologize, generally throw out a "sorry", simple and rude to finish.
Smart parents will apologize while putting their children on an equal footing with themselves:
"What just happened is that Mom (Dad) was wrong, I hope you don't take it to heart. The next time we meet, I think we can do this, supervise each other, and avoid similar situations together. ”
This expression not only completes a sincere apology, but also makes the child feel the respect of the parents for themselves.
Although sometimes a parent's apology does not complete the healing of the child's pain.
But the right act of apology can lead the child: maybe you can be a better person in the future.
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