How parents can help
Adolescent children grow up on their own
Guangdong South China Normal University Affiliated Middle School Education Foundation Student Development Project - Mental Health Education Support Program
This article is brief
Is the purpose of our parenting just to make the child fulfill the wishes of the parents? What do children really need?
Let's listen to Teacher Zhao Ming, who has rich experience in communicating with adolescent children, talk about the methods of parents to assist children in self-growth from the following two aspects:
1. How to make a connection between parents and children
2. How parents can help their children separate
Smart Parent Tips Series Parent Micro Lessons:
How parents can assist adolescent children in their self-growth
Speaker: Teacher Zhao Ming
When it comes to parenting, I would like to ask parents to think about what is the purpose of our children.
Maybe you think of "honoring the ancestors, passing on the generations, raising children and preventing the elderly", etc., these traditional concepts are understandable, but when you think deeply, is our parenting purpose just to let the children complete their parents' own wishes?
As parents, have you ever seriously thought about what your children need?
The famous Maslow hierarchy of needs divides human needs into physiological needs, security needs, social needs, respect needs, and self-actualization needs from low to high. It's clear that today's children need more to socialize, be respected, and be self-actualized.
On the one hand, they long for independence, self-growth and self-realization, long for their parents to re-examine themselves and treat themselves as adults, on the other hand, because children's psychological patterns are broken, mature psychological patterns have not yet been fully established, they are very dependent on their parents, do not want to grow up, contradictions and conflicts are often intertwined.
Therefore, how parents assist adolescent children in self-growth, the focus is on how parents connect with their children on the one hand, so that children can take deeper root in the earth like a tree that continues to grow; on the other hand, how parents can separate from their children and help children fly freely to a broader blue sky like an eagle.
First, how to achieve connection between parents and children?
Do it with the "heart" response
Instead of reacting with a "brain"
When parents and children have a sharp mind and resonate with the same frequency, parents can truly read the child's inner appeal, and the truthful response to the child at this moment is to respond with the "heart". In other words, there must be a connection between parents and children in order to communicate, otherwise it is equivalent to asking for fish.
In real life, many parents often hope that their children will grow up like this according to their past experiences, preferences, feelings and the theories and methods they have learned, thinking that children should be like that, in fact, they do not understand the real state and real demands of children at present. On the contrary, children do not understand the love and intention behind their parents' words and deeds.
Imagine, when parents and children can not produce a real connection, how do parents educate their children, how to communicate with their children? At this time, the more parents manage, the more they are wrong, and the children feel endless pressure from their parents. There is a saying that if there is a force, there must be a reaction force.
How can parents respond with "heart" instead of "brain"?
1. Learn to observe breathing
How to observe the breath: Please open your eyes, breathe naturally, put the "heart" on the breath, innocently and curiously watch the breath come in, out, come in, go out...
The purpose of observing breathing is to help parents always remain clear and clear, not to be affected by various mental activities produced in an instant, and then to produce a lot of emotions and feelings, unconsciously controlled by emotions without self-awareness, and eventually become a problem in dealing with their own emotions instead of children.
For example, parents are told that their children are caught by the teacher in school playing games and ask the parents to be invited. Some parents immediately began to have various psychological activities, such as "I feel so faceless when called by the teacher, all because of you." ”
Or "I've worked so hard for you, you've let me down so much!" At this time, parents will be controlled by various emotions such as shame, anger, disappointment and cannot think objectively.
By practicing observing the breath, parents can turn their instantaneous reactions into slow motion, expand a space for reflection and introspection in the heart, gradually become clear and clear, see the whole picture of things and find a solution, at this time the transformation begins to occur.
As in the example above, in the process of observing the breath, the parents may laugh at themselves: "It turns out that I am angry for my face!" "Actually, I'm willing for the sake of my children." After self-deprecation, parents will relax.
Once I was doing family therapy, both parents and children came, and when the parents were constantly stating the various symptoms of the child and the child was silent, I invited the parents and the child to observe the breath for three minutes.
After three minutes, Mom said, "I see myself so anxious."
Dad said: "I found myself in the ceiling, I was biased by some so-called dogma, in fact, my daughter is very good." ”
After hearing the words of his parents, the child said, "I also want to do better." ”
Therefore, I suggest that in life, when parents communicate with their adolescent children, first observe the breathing for 1 to 3 minutes, let themselves slow down, return from the mind to the heart, more attentive, less talking, even if you want to say, clearly hear every word they say to their children, and then clearly hear every word that their children say to themselves, and then "respond" with their hearts.
It is very important that parents usually have time to practice observing breathing frequently, in order to exercise their ability to be clear and clear, otherwise at critical times, the ability to be clear and clear cannot be used.
2. Deal with things as they are
Discussing things means that parents must not amplify an event that occurs in their children at the moment through logical reasoning, resulting in the fact that the matter itself cannot be solved.
For example, if a child fails an exam, some parents begin to be anxious, and a series of psychological activities are generated in an instant: "Why don't you try to do a good job in your studies?" Now the pressure of social competition is so great, we work hard to provide you with books, not to make you rich and expensive, but only to make you a little out of the future.
You pour good! Play hard today, don't work hard, what to do tomorrow? You can't get into a good university, you can't find a good job, you can't even afford to buy a house in the future, how can you live in a big city? ”
The child did not do well in the exam, this is a normal and ordinary thing, there is no need to be solved - life is so impermanent, how the test score is, and whether the person's future happiness or not, in fact, has nothing to do with.
And once the parents expand the matter to "this exam is not good, it means that the college entrance examination is not good, the whole person is a failed, unsuccessful person", then there is no hope for this matter to be solved.
Therefore, once the child has a problem, he is most afraid that the parents will synthesize the past, the future, and other factors other than the problem, superimpose them, and then carry out logical reasoning, interlocking, and finally conclude that the child's current problems cannot be changed, so they begin to fall into various fears and anxieties. Many parents never realize that they have always been controlled by a fantasy they have woven.
Parents always have to look at the child's problem from the perspective of development, because every moment of the child's life is alive and flowing, and we do not know that we can only control the present, because the present already contains the past and determines the future, and the future is precisely because it is unknowable and unforeseeable that it has all the possibilities.
This new view of the "life" of the parent to his child will help the child restore his innate vitality, and this vigorous vitality is the root of the child's solution to all the problems in his own growth.
3. Simplify complexity
In the process of counseling, I often encounter such parents, they will list a basket of problems for their children, such as: emotional problems, learning problems, interpersonal problems, behavioral problems, etc., hoping that the counselor can help him solve.
Obviously, the naming of a whole bunch of "problems" is enough to make parents start worrying about all kinds of anxiety. You will observe that parents seek psychological counseling not really to solve the problem itself, but to solve the various emotions and feelings that arise from the problem.
Similarly, parents and children communicate with their own emotions, and once this emotion and feeling is captured by the child, how will the child react?
The child's appearance in the parents' hearts can be felt by the child; what is more frightening is that the child's appearance in the parents' hearts will become the label in the child's own heart, and the child will unconsciously realize this part, thinking that he is a bad and useless person, giving up on himself and giving up his efforts.
"Simplifying complexity" is that parents see what problems to solve, do not expect to package to solve, often a small problem is a good entry point, solve a problem, all problems will be solved.
If there is no so-called "problem" between parents and children, there is no so-called "rebellion", just simple communication, I believe that the child's inner vitality will flow naturally.
4. The methods summarized by themselves are useful
When there is a problem with the parent-child relationship, many parents hope to find an immediate solution immediately, but in fact, behind this is the parents' anxiety and distrust of their children.
Each theory and method is valid at the time of its creation, but it varies from person to person, cannot be copied, and special cases are handled specially. Because all the theories and methods are routines, they are dead, but children are alive, and adolescent children are even more so, when you use it, you may be right this time, and you are wrong next time, and every moment is changing rapidly.
In the parent-child relationship, many parents are only "teaching" and not "nurturing", because "teaching people" is relatively simple and easy, each parent has a lot of experience, methods and theories, but "educating people" needs to use "heart", many parents themselves are rarely with their hearts. Therefore, the child's "hollow heart disease" is "taught" out, not "bred".
By observing the breath, parents recognize the function of the heart from the mind to the heart, which is clear and clear, and the method is naturally clear to the heart. The methods that parents themselves have painstakingly summed up are truly suitable for their children, in fact, this is the parents' reverence for each unique life.
Second, how parents can help their children separate
Six or seven days after the birth of a kitten, the mother eagle will cruelly train it to prevent it from learning to crawl, so that its first reaction to life is to fly.
When the kittens are able to fly, the mother eagle breaks most of the bones in their wings and pushes the eaglets down from a high place, and although the eaglet is in severe pain from breaking its wings, it must struggle to fly.
The struggle gives their wings a blood supply and heals in a short time, and the healed wings will be hard as iron and more powerful.
In human cognition, the mother eagle is too cruel, but being able to fly is the whole meaning of the eagle becoming an eagle, by cultivating the ability of the eaglet to fly, the mother eagle helps the child to separate from herself, which is to follow the law of life and follow the way.
How can parents help children separate from themselves? Quite simply, developing a child's ability to be independent is like a mother eagle exercising the ability of a kitten to fly.
Many parents believe that knowledge must equal ability, which is a wrong view. Knowledge produces competence, but knowledge does not equal competence. The "power" referred to here refers to the endless function of each life itself. Capacity promotes separation, and separation in turn promotes capacity enhancement.
How do parents develop their children's ability to be independent?
The focus is on developing children's ability to connect with the reality of the moment.
The inner world of adolescent children is more turbulent and sensitive, if there is a lack of connection with reality, either "carving a boat and seeking a sword" to worry about the past, or "worrying about the sky" worried about the future, easy to cup the bow and snake shadow, draw the ground as a prison, and the function of life is stagnant.
Cultivate children to connect with the current reality, do it themselves, down-to-earth, step by step to do things, is a kind of life force anchoring, in the process of doing each thing concretely, children will continue to produce a kind of ability and creativity, new life experience will be born, just like the eaglet every time flapping its young wings, that is to prepare for flying.
How to cultivate children's ability to connect with the current reality?
1. Observe breathing
(The specific method has been discussed earlier)
The anxiety caused by the pressure of studying is very common among the middle school students I tutor, either regretting that they did not do well in the past or worrying about the future exams.
Because observing the clarity of breathing will help children become aware that they are thinking wildly and let themselves slowly return to the present moment and do what they should do by constantly being aware rather than judging.
Similarly, when a child has a conflict within himself, observing the breath brings a kind of boldness and concentration, allowing the child to dare to make choices and take responsibility for his own choices without getting tangled.
2. Movement and Labor
Exercise and labor promote the unity of children's body and mind, hand to heart, reduce the opportunity for wild thinking, reduce the internal friction of life, and enhance initiative and creativity.
In the same way, movement and labor are an innate ability of every child, in the process of movement and labor, children are easy to obtain a sense of satisfaction and joy, the function of life is determined and affirmed, and a virtuous circle is formed. The problem with many children is that they move too little and think too much.
Whether it is movement or labor, the child's body is moving and changing, the body and mind are one, and the change of the body will also bring about inner change.
By observing breathing, movement and labor, cultivating a child's ability to connect with the present reality is to restore the child's function of life and allow the child to slowly gain the ability to be independent. Here, the best education for parents is to "teach by example", first do it themselves, in order to help their children do it.
Such as people drinking water
Cold and warm self-knowledge
There is a saying that says it well: "Like a person drinking water, cold and warm self-knowledge." ”
It's like drinking a glass of water, parents feel hot, maybe the child feels cold. As parents, we cannot replace our children in drinking every cup of water, but we can help our children drink every cup of water and assist their children to be the masters of their own lives.
May every parent be a watchman in the wheat field of adolescence, watching from a distance, and when the child needs it, stretch out his hands and tell the child: Mom and Dad, in.
Finally, give parents a song - rock singer Wang Feng's masterpiece "Blooming Life", let us follow the music to reminisce about the youth that once belonged to us, to our own blossoming life, because life and life are common, so that we can truly empathize with our children and have a sharp heart.
How many times have I fallen on the road
How many times have you broken your wings
Now I don't feel wandering anymore
I want to go beyond this ordinary life
I want to blossom into life
It's like flying in the vast sky
It's like walking through the boundless wilderness
Have the power to break free
How many times have I lost my way
How many times have I put out dreams
Now I don't feel lost anymore
I want my life to be liberated
It's like standing on top of a rainbow
It's like walking through a brilliant galaxy
Possess powers beyond the ordinary
About the Author
Zhao Ming, a nationally registered second-level psychological counselor, a part-time counselor at the Affiliated Middle School of South China Normal University, and a psychological counselor of Shen Jiahong
Sino-German dance therapist, senior intimate relationship counselor, sandplay consultant, family therapist
He is a member of the Chinese Intervention Association, a member of the Psychological Counseling and Therapy Professional Committee of the Guangdong Psychological Association, a member of the China Dance Therapy Association, and a member of the Sino-US Advanced Psychoanalytic Therapist Continuous Training Program
Member of the Children's Psychoanalytic Alliance; External Group Psychological Counselor, Center for Psychological Research, South China Normal University.
Mr. Zhao Ming has been practicing for 12 years, with a cumulative number of case hours of more than 6,000 hours, more than 300 hours of group leadership, more than 260 hours of individual and group experience, and more than 240 hours of individual and group supervision.