When you become a mother, have you ever done these things that ignore yourself?
After getting up, first wash the child's face, brush his teeth, prepare breakfast, and work hard for half a day before remembering that he had not washed. Then he also comforted himself, anyway, he was already out, and it was the same whether he washed or not.
Work hard in the kitchen for two hours, making exquisite and delicious meals for your children, but you can eat them yourself, or pick up the leftovers of your children and pull them a few times.
The clothes worn on the body are all old models from many years ago, but the clothes in the children's wardrobe are piled up, and they can't wear them before they can wear them.
Buying things for children is not painful at all, and hesitating to buy things for yourself is saved.
Take your kids out on weekends, always make plans in advance, check the strategy. When asking friends to go out, they always pick a mall close to home, and they are done in a hurry to eat a meal.
……
In fact, in addition to the above frequent things, there are many things that mothers have to be busy with. In the process of caring for children, it is inevitable to sacrifice their sleep, life, hobbies, and social interactions to accommodate their families and children.
Many people take it for granted, but in addition to the identity of the mother, we should also be considerate, they are also the daughters of the father, the wife of the husband... More importantly, they are themselves.
What have you lost behind your momhood?
Becoming a mother is a major transformational event in life, and we all celebrate the arrival of the "little angel", but what is rarely mentioned by society is the loss of the identity of the mother herself.
The loss of self-identity means the redistribution of time and resources, the increase in responsibilities and labor, the degradation of self-consumption, the narrowing of social circles, and the restriction of movement.
Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and social phobia caused by the loss of self-identity are also the causes of postpartum depression in a large proportion of mothers.
On the Internet, there are some mothers who say this
As a working mother, the most difficult thing is probably that the child has something to be called at any time, if you go to work, you can't put it down, and if you don't go, your child can't put it down.
Before marriage, dad goes to work, mom goes to work; after marriage, dad goes to work + mom goes to work + watching the children + cooking + washing clothes + tutoring homework + picking up and dropping off the children...
Until the birth of the child, the hardest thing to think about is when they begin to explore the world and turn on the "100,000 Whys" mode at any time. Children always have very strange perspectives and points of interest, those strange questions, if you are not careful, you will poke your knowledge blind spot! On the one hand, they want to work hard to satisfy their exuberant curiosity, and on the other hand, they have tens of thousands of internal breakdowns.
The biggest challenge of being a mother is to take on all the trivial things that men don't do, and then often have to be as tenacious as men.
Take care of your child's usual daily diet. I remember when my child was young, he went to school during the day and usually did not come back from school until night. In addition to my mother's busy work, the daily routine is to go to the vegetable market to buy fresh vegetables when school is out in the afternoon, fish today and meat tomorrow, always think that I haven't seen my child for a day, and I should cook more good dishes at night to let my children eat a full. Who knows that day by day accumulation, the child to eat fat. This one thing made me feel that my mother was still careless.
The hardest thing is to be a good mom and a wonderful woman at the same time. You will find that sometimes beauty and good cannot be combined. If you want to work well and have a good baby, it is unlikely to maintain a beautiful and gentle feminine posture at all times.
The hardest part of being a mom is to juggle the various roles in life and work, and seek personal growth in the time that is broken up.
Usually I want to wear a beautiful dress with a high heel, and the bear child is expected to give up... But when the child is sick: when the mother will think, as long as it is not sick, everything is not a thing!
Tight management is not OK, let go of the hand can not be. Children are too strict, shrink their hands and feet, timid and afraid of things, and want to rely on others when things happen. Let it go, and I am afraid that I will become a wild horse that has lost its reins and cannot be stopped. What a dilemma!
Rush into the house after work to play with the baby, and deal with a bunch of housework in the middle of the night. There is almost no personal time, no good meal, I have forgotten how long I have not done my hair, I have not seen friends and girlfriends, and I can no longer wear fitness clothes, and I have completely reduced myself to a sloppy and imageless "middle-aged mother".
Sacrifice personal needs
It is not conducive to the healthy development of children
Wang Anshi said in "XunQing": "Those who love themselves, the end of benevolence, can be pushed to love others." "It is said that the quality of benevolence comes from loving oneself. The premise of loving others is to first learn to love yourself.
The same principle applies to parenting. However, in reality, many mothers, after giving birth to a child, are single-mindedly thrown into the child, completely forgetting themselves, let alone loving themselves.
As a result, mothers continue to pay, constantly hollow themselves out, and then project such a sense of lack onto the child, the child not only can not feel the mother's love, the parent-child relationship has become more and more tense.
In the book "Mother Evolution" by the American writer Suz Lula, it is proposed that a mother who lacks in heart and does not take good care of herself is like a car whose fuel tank has been empty, no matter how hard you press the accelerator, it is just "idling".
The parent-child relationship between mother and child is actually a real attachment parasitic relationship, so that when the mother thinks of meeting her own needs, she may subconsciously feel a sense of moral guilt and even feel selfish.
But if the parent-child relationship is to continue to develop well, it depends largely on the physical and emotional health of the mother herself, in other words, sacrificing the mother's personal needs for the needs of the child, and in the long run, it is a lose-lose for both parties.
Studies of children in different cultural groups have shown that the mother's depressive tendency is highly correlated with the child's healthy physical and mental development, in addition to the influence of congenital genetics, the acquired factor is that depressed mothers are difficult to sensitively perceive and respond to the child's emotional needs and behavioral changes in parenting, thus affecting the healthy development of children's cognitive, emotional regulation and social interaction skills.
How in a limited time
"High quality accompaniment" of children
Many mothers will say that what children need me most is this short period of time, I try to spend as much time as possible with my children, and when my children grow up, they will not have a chance to accompany me.
In fact, a good parent-child relationship and healthy physical and mental growth lie more in high-quality parent-child interaction than in the specific length of companionship and a specific form.
How to "accompany" children with high quality?
1
Actively follow
● Companionship is not accompanied, companionship requires parents to actively pay attention to the advantages and disadvantages of children's learning, interests and hobbies, pay attention to the people in the child's life, circle of friends, pay attention to the child's daily joys and sorrows, parents have a good idea, in order to have targeted education to guide the healthy growth of children.
2
Dialogue on an equal footing
● Companionship is not "I say you listen", in today's popularity of the Internet, children's access to all kinds of knowledge, life skills, entertainment and play channels are also more and more extensive, parents and equal dialogue with them, can give children a sense of respect, companionship will be more quality.
3
Learn together
● To make the accompaniment more quality, parents need to take the initiative to learn in the accompaniment, which is not only to set an example for children, but also an effective way for parents to become qualified parents and improve themselves.
In addition, high-quality companionship, there are these common features:
Smooth body posture and contact
In the process of high-quality companionship, the physical contact between parents and children is very natural and smooth. For example, when the parents are sitting next to each other, the child will naturally approach the parent's body when he is close to the parent for help or closeness, and at the same time put his hand on the parent's knee, or sit on the parent's knee and wrap his arms around the parent's neck.
Similarly, in this process, parents are naturally receptive to the child's physical touch, and at the same time, their bodies will naturally face the child's direction.
In less-quality interactions, or even very poor interactions, this fluid body language is difficult to see, either in a posture of accusation, control, neglect, or rejection of pushing, or the child is in a crying and tantrum posture, a fear of retreating posture, or a stiff and cautious posture.
The child leads, and the mother is responsible for following
Many mothers spend time with their children every day from work to a few hours before their children go to bed, and everyone wants to interact and play with their children as much as possible in this limited time. But sometimes because of this "eagerness" leads to some inappropriateness in the operation.
As moms, we should understand that it is inappropriate to help children decide what and how their children "should" play from an adult perspective and utilitarianism. In the process of play, we advocate taking the child's interest as the guide, and then parents follow the child's-led game and give moderate guidance at the right time, so as to make the game more interesting and deeper with the child, and a lot of content can actually be in the deeper game.
The "following" and "guiding" here actually sometimes require parents to understand some tips:
For example, when a child shows something to his parents, the parents respond in a timely manner and try to use open sentences as much as possible and use less closed sentences. For example, we can ask, "Well, what is this bear looking at?" Instead of saying, "This little bear saw the owl, didn't he?" ”
For example, when we need to observe the child's reaction in the process of following, when the child wants to play alone, we can accompany and not disturb, and when the child needs help, we give moderate help and guidance. For example, "This question mom also thinks about, isn't it?" Come on, let's try it, hey, it doesn't seem right. Well, we're thinking of other ways, do you want to try this? ”
For example, when a child shows us the results of their game, we respond positively in time: "Wow, how did you do it?" Or, "This looks so cool, you teach mom," or "There's a place here that's hard to find, you must have been very careful to observe!" ”
A few tips for moms to take care of themselves
How do moms give themselves time and space to care for themselves in the midst of their busy work and life? Here are a few tips to try to do:
1. Set aside 15 minutes a day to focus on yourself
Don't think about doing housework, don't think about work, don't think about children, just focus on yourself. Close your eyes, pay attention to your breathing and the sensations of your body, listen to a calm piece of music, read a magazine, and take a hot shower. If you think that 15 minutes a day is too long, then try to go to the beauty salon downstairs once a week to apply a 25-minute massage or the like, and take 1 to 2 hours a month to drink a cup of milk tea with your girlfriend to chat about gossip and spitting.
2. Seek and receive help from family and friends
Although these help is not as perfect as you would like. Maybe the father will give the child candy and soda to watch cartoons, maybe the grandmother does not know how to read Tang poems and tell stories to the child, but as long as the handle can be put on to let the mother breathe and rest is also a powerful help.
3. Accept requests and tasks from some others
Bring some benign distraction to your tedious and repetitive life with a baby. For example, help younger friends to read their job resumes, regain their hobbies, help their girlfriends take a set of photos, do volunteer work and volunteer community services. This deliberate "distraction" will make the mother re-realize her own value and the feeling of being needed by society.
4. Develop a hobby
Learning a new little craft, yoga fitness running is re-established, maybe just a few times a month, when dad and family can take care of the children, set aside time for themselves, and moms also need to recharge their bodies and minds and add value to themselves.
5. Communicate more with the same age around you
Listen to other moms' parenting stories. Two mothers with two babies is far more labor-saving and efficient than taking a baby alone, you may wish to organize more parties between children, which is also a small social date for mothers.
6. Consciously ignore voices that question and criticize yourself
For example, other people's "blame" and "cynicism". Understanding and accepting that you can never do it, and you don't need to please all people, and fighting for your own legitimate rights is also a compulsory lesson on the road to parenting.
7. Write a diary of your moods and needs
Maybe it's just anger and anxiety, maybe just a few words on the phone, when we can consciously perceive and record our own needs, it is not easy to lose ourselves in the busy day after day, and our inner tension and anxiety are also partially released and healed in the process of recording.
It's not easy to be a mom!
As mothers, we must believe that the once beautiful self is not completely lost, but drowned in the process of "raising a baby" day after day.
I hope that every mother can let go of her inner depression and contradictions, and try to take the time and energy to care for and nourish herself. That way, your kids will be even better!
Be a mother
How do you do it yourself?
Moms are welcome in the comments section
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Some of the materials in this article are synthesized from drpei, Tongxing College, Yihe Psychology, Ten Mothers, CCTV News, Guo Mama Reading, etc.
EDIT: Joyful
Proofreader: Fortunately
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