A person's childhood determines his life, and the best time to determine his destiny is childhood. Freud also said that all shadows come from the hurt of childhood, and although I don't fully agree, this is really a big warning to guide me how to be a mother.
Every woman is a first-time mother (except for the second child), no one has experience, except for borrowing from the elders or peers to communicate, it seems that only according to the book. My approach is: I don't know what is best, but I can observe what is bad.
For example, frequent loud rebukes, repeated and wordy, unprincipled doting, little attention except for grades, whirring when encountering a little thing, self-inaction and self-improvement but extremely harsh on children...
One
No matter how tired you are, don't pass on negative energy to your child
If a child comes home after a tiring day, what he sees is a boring face of the parent, what he hears is nagging, complaining and blaming, and the commanding "Eat quickly, eat and do your homework immediately." The grades are so bad, I don't know seriously! When will you be able to save me a snack! I'm so hard, I'm so tired from work, it's not for you! You're plugging me up! How good are the results of so-and-so..."
Is this home a place where you want to go back immediately after school every day? Is this home the harbor you want to rely on when you are sad and aggrieved and powerless? Such a parent, would you not hesitate to pounce into their arms?
Of course, I know that parents are tired after a day's work, and I myself often want to be tired after a day's work and don't want to say anything, our fatigue in addition to self-livelihood, but also want to create better living conditions for children. But if our toil becomes our sword in the child's eye, we are no longer the child's relatives, but the child's enemies.
When you nag your child Xianglin sister-in-law about your hard work, the child thinks in his heart: I don't want you to work so hard, I am not your trash can, I don't want parents like you.
Two
In addition to nagging, please find other ways to communicate
How do you feel when a person nags in your ear every day with a sharp, harsh voice? Going crazy. And then what? Even if she makes sense, you won't be able to listen, right?
The child is even more so, when he finds that you are always nagging, then the first time you say the second time he does not need to listen, he knows that you will say the third time and the fourth time, and a vicious circle will be formed after a long time.
In fact, every sentence is good to say it once, if the child does not listen to it and suffers a loss, it will have a long memory, and next time it will listen to you carefully.
Parents should not speak too fast, speak clearly, normal speed of speech, and express what they want to say clearly. If it is really important and you are not at ease, write it on a note.
Three
Please believe in the school and the good intentions of the teachers
I remember that when my son was in high school, he was once seen by the teacher talking about small talk in the evening self-study, and his class teacher immediately made a punishment of stopping the evening self-study for three days in accordance with the school regulations, and asked to write a review letter and sign it with the parents.
I signed my son's review letter, and to his surprise I gave him the review I wrote at the same time, and I sincerely apologized to the school and the teachers for causing trouble for everyone.
My son was surprised, and I told him, "Anyone must follow the rules, and you can't do anything that harms others and harms yourself." Not causing trouble to others is an important rule of being a human being. "Since then, there have been no violations of his late self-study.
I am a teacher, and I clearly understand the well-intentionedness of every teacher. The progress of the students has regressed and affects the mood of our teachers every day. In the face of students, although we know that it is not our own children, but we get along every day, we can't help but fall into the drama very deeply, and become the parents of our children. Seeing the students make progress bit by bit, we are happy to laugh and blossom; seeing that students do not think of making progress, we hate iron is not steel. If you are an invisible person standing next to the teachers, you will see what a stupid person the teachers are: for a group of other people's children to be happy and sad.
Please understand our good intentions: in education, we must be strict and kind, reward and punishment, both are indispensable. The children who are raised in that way are the ones who have tenacity. Blindly praise, once encountered a little setback, it will be vulnerable; blindly punished, children have no self-confidence, easy to self-abandonment. Trust that the teacher is always looking for the best time to praise and criticize. This is the professionalism of a teacher.
"Teacher, our child's primary school language is the worst, and now that he is in junior high school, can you give him a make-up lesson?"
"Teacher, the child is not serious about reading, and he does not listen to what we talk, what should I do?"
"Teacher, are you working in your first year?" Do you HOLD live students? ”
"Teacher, the child's visual strength has increased, can you let him sit in front?"
……
Parental anxiety is likely to kidnap schools and teachers. Such a school, such a teacher, will become less and less confident. Just like a child doing homework, parents pointing fingers and shouting at the side, the child becomes confused and less and less confident, is the same reason.
Dear parents, please believe that the school and the teachers have good intentions and sincerity with each other, which is the best help for children. Never speculate about the school and the teacher with malice, and trust that the teacher loves your child as much as you do, or even cares more than you do.
For more than 20 years, I have studied the education of students from the growth of my son; the education of my son from the growth of students.
It is a blessing for a family to have an emotionally peaceful mother.
Dear parents, when you are anxious, look up at the sun and the moon, between heaven and earth, there are trees and flowers and grasses, there are gorgeous and plain, there are blooms, there are buds.
The love of the sun and the moon, silent companionship, quietly waiting.
Because of this, the heart of the grass also repays the three Chunhui.
Children are not designed to fulfill their parents' ideals
I myself used to be a mother who designed a "perfect plan" for her children, in which my children and I were physically and mentally exhausted, and the parent-child relationship was badly affected.
When I was a child, I loved music, because of my family's financial problems, I only began to learn to play the piano as a teenager, and I always had some regrets in my heart. I have a child myself and would love for her to receive a good music education from an early age. And my daughter just doesn't like to play the piano. I remember that when she was almost 5 years old, she began to play the piano, but every time she played the piano, I was coerced and seduced, as if "sentenced", and the piano became a beautiful "torture device". Until one day, her father said, "I really can't stand it, don't let the child suffer." When my daughter heard this, she jumped off the piano stool as if she had been "pardoned", and from then on she saw the piano walking far around.
This incident also made me rethink: children do not come into this world to fulfill their parents' ideals. Each child has his own gifts and the path he wants to take, which is not something that parents can design and grasp.
Strange to say, my daughter was in the fourth grade and said to me one day, "Mom, I want to learn the piano." "I said, yes, but this time to the end. From the fourth grade to the present, she has insisted on practicing every day...
Avoid cultivating perfectionists
Many parents painstakingly plan the most perfect life for their children, and they think that only in this way will the children take fewer detours and be happier. But in reality it's just wishful thinking. If our children have the courage to choose the path they want to take, and experience good times, adversities, successes, and failures in them, tap their potential, and always pursue the truth, I think that is the real happiness.
Parents who make a "perfect plan" for their children, I want to tell you especially sincerely that we want to avoid raising perfectionists.
Children in The Perfect Plan may think that "I need to perform well to be accepted", "My parents must be among the best in my grades to love me", "In the game, I must win, I can't lose!" There is a value that thinks "my value = my performance + what others say about me". We may think that there is nothing wrong with this equation, and even that's how it has been taught all along. But in reality, in such an equation, the child mistakenly believes that love needs to be exchanged for good deeds. Occasionally, we praise others with perfectionism, which is, in fact, a shackle.
Most of the children in The Perfect Plan are afraid of failure. Because in the "perfect plan", every link can not be a problem: "if the child can not go to a good kindergarten may not have a good life" - this is the logic of the "perfect plan". Do you want your child to be adventurous, or is it better to live a little bit safer? I would say to allow the child to fail, to tell him you love him when he fails his exams and loses the game. Let your child know that you love him or her because you are his mom and dad, because every baby is the most special gift from Heaven, not because of his good deeds.
Children's "heroes"
To answer this question, let's first think about what is the role of parents? I think parents are "housekeepers" and not "bosses", every child is unique, they are not the private property of their parents, nor are they accessories to their parents.
I believe that God gives each child a different talent, and one of the missions of parents is to help the child discover his talent, and then use his talent to find his place in life.
A friend once said that parents can't accept that their children don't go to college, and then she asked me, "Can you accept that your child doesn't go to college?" "I thought about it and said, I can accept it. If my child wanted to learn gardening, I wouldn't force her to be a software engineer; if my daughter told me she wanted to be a tailor, I wouldn't force her to study finance...
One day, about the time my daughter was in fifth grade, she said her dream was to be an elementary school psychology teacher to help more children. I told her it was a beautiful ideal. Then I found out that she really liked children who were much younger than her, and she often played with a group of seven- or eight-year-old children, drawing a picture with her hands, cutting it with scissors, and it became a puzzle, and the children had a lot of fun. Maybe her ideals will change, but she has her own ideals, which is very critical, and I told her that all beautiful ideals will be supported by my mother.
I think another mission of parents is to become a "hero" in the minds of their children. Parents should not think that only Harry Potter and Conan can become heroes in the minds of their children, and do not think that they must have great achievements to become heroes. Here, I would like to introduce a new definition of a hero: "A hero is any father or mother who is compassionate, of good character, who is consistent in his words and deeds, who is honest and upright, and who leads by example" (from The Power of The Six A's). That is to say, parents should become models for their children and practice their own values in words and deeds. Usually children care more about what you do than how you say it. If you tell your child that you love him very much, but you have never had time to accompany him, then the child may not feel your love; if you play mahjong, tell your child: "Study hard." I guess that's just a joke.
I often look at my sleeping daughter at night and remember how she was held in her arms when she was a child, and now she is a teenager. Sometimes, I also think of the hurt I once did to her in the name of love, in addition to guilt, but also gratitude, because I adjusted my educational philosophy in time to let the child and I not get lost in their own "perfect plan".
Finally, I would like to say that there is no "perfect plan" for the education of children, but there is "eternal expectation". That eternal expectation is to teach the child to be a person of good character.