Text/Han Mei Yi
01
Early this morning, my next-door neighbor, Xu Xin, quarreled with her husband.
As for the reason, it has to do with children.
Xu Xin has a daughter of more than two years old and three months, since she was three months old, she has been taken care of by Xu Xin's mother, because there is only one daughter, Xu Xin, the old mother can be described as dedicated in taking care of the little foreign daughter, since beating her to help at home, it is to contribute and pay, not only the children's affairs, even cooking and housework, almost do not need Xu Xin and her husband to take care of it.
It is reasonable to say that it is a very happy thing to have a large package of elders around to help, but because of a word, Xu Xin's husband erased all the efforts made by his mother-in-law.
Yesterday after dinner, Xu Xin washed the dishes, and his mother chatted with his mother while watching TV in the living room, during which he talked about going to his mother-in-law's house for the New Year and being given birth to a second child by his mother-in-law, Xu Xin couldn't help but mutter: Since she is not willing to help with the child, she always this idle thing! You said that the child you gave birth to did not follow her surname, what did she have to urge? ”
In fact, this is not the first time Xu Xin complained about the birth of her mother-in-law, the time when her mother came to help, she expressed her dissatisfaction several times: originally she and her husband said in advance, whether boys or girls, they will only have one, and the husband also agreed to it, and at the same time said that the family would not have any opinions, but who knows, really have children, the mother-in-law is reluctant in her heart, in the six months of helping to take the child at her home, it is not from time to time to think about having another big fat grandson, can not let them have no queen, It is to complain that Xu Xin did not want to have a good natural birth, and had to have a caesarean section, so that he had to wait for several years to have a child.
At that time, because she felt that her mother-in-law was kind enough to help herself, Xu Xin listened silently, and occasionally she couldn't bear it anymore, so she would "ask her husband for help", but every time, her husband said lightly, "Mom is old, you don't have to worry about her, just don't hear anything." ”
Can you pretend not to hear and really be fine?
Not.
After the mother-in-law returned to her hometown, she also called Xu Xin's husband from time to time to tell her about the second child, not only that, as long as Xu Xin accompanied her husband back to her in-laws' house, the mother-in-law would also "mobilize" the seven aunts and eight aunts to persuade her to have a second child.
In the past, for Xu Xin's dislike of her mother-in-law's birth of a second child, the old mother was very euphemistic to persuade her to let her and her husband discuss it well, the two people really did not want a second child, then there was no need for other statements, of course, if you think of a second child, then whether it is a boy or a girl, you have to let her mother-in-law help bring it.
The mother thought very simply: having children is after all a matter for her daughter and son-in-law, and she does not want to interfere too much, but in the same way, it is not the responsibility of her grandmother to take children, and daughters and sons-in-law cannot force her, and with her ability, she can only help with one.
Nowadays, seeing that the foreign daughters are more than two years old, the daughter still has no idea of having a second child, and the old mother is no longer hiding, simply saying bluntly, since the daughter has made up her mind, then work hard and live a good life!
"A child also has the benefit of a child! Now what age, boys and girls are the same. Didn't I and your dad want you one? At the end of the day, educating your child is better than anything else! I want to say, just want this one, don't have a second child, it is you who suffers from having a child, it is you who is tired of raising a child, it is better to focus more energy on trying to make money... Think about it, anyway, your stomach is your own decision, no one can force you! ”
The mother's words can be said to speak to Xu Xin's heart, as an only child, she naturally understands the "benefits" of an only child, of course, she is not unwilling to take care of the child personally, only to reject the second child, but with her and her husband's current economic conditions, it is not easy to raise another child.
Xu Xin was silent for a while, just said "Mom, I know that you are really good for me", did not think, in the children's room with the child's husband suddenly ran out to interrupt her: "The matter of having a second child, you should discuss with me, and my mother say what these are for?" Whether we want children or not is a matter for both of us, do we still have to listen to other people's failures? ”
This sentence "others" not only made Xu Xin stay on the spot, but even her mother changed her face on the spot.
However, before the old mother could defend herself, Xu Xin's husband opened his mouth again, completely accusatory: "Mom, I am very grateful that you came to see the child, but I and Xiao Xin's family affairs, do you need to stand by and watch a little?" To put it bluntly, if these two children follow Xiao Xin's surname, you still want to let Xiao Xin have children. If you are bored with your children and don't want to look at it again, you can say it directly, why should we care if we want a second child? Don't think that bringing a child is hard work, we have to listen to you! ”
02
Hearing her son-in-law say this, Xu Xin's mother's face was somewhat hanging, she sighed and slowly opened her mouth:
"I don't think I have much merit, nor do I think that there will be any return, because it is my own daughter who is helping, but this does not delay my heartache for my daughter, your mother hates her little granddaughter, does not want to take it, and has been urging my daughter to have a second child, so why can't I persuade my own daughter not to have a second child?" I'm old enough to keep kids, but I never wanted to keep kids with my daughter's last name! I'm just like your mother, speaking my heart' words, and as for listening or not, it depends on my daughter, which is not something that anyone can influence! ”
After saying this, the old mother went into the bedroom, closed the door and never came out.
Seeing this, Xu Xin was also angry: when there was a child, she and her husband had discussed well, the mother-in-law and the mother took turns to help, did not think, the mother-in-law only helped for three months, she rushed back to the hometown on the grounds that the father-in-law was unwell and no one was waiting in the hometown, since then, never came again, is the mother can't bear to see her affected, more unwilling to let her stay at home with the baby, without saying a word, run over to help her, the mother-in-law did not do much, you can urge the second child, the mother did so much, Can't even persuade a word not to have a second child?
"When your mother urged us to have a second child, I didn't say a word to you, you always let me endure, why, my mother didn't let me have a second child, you can't listen to it?" We used to say that we wanted a child, but you broke your word first, and now you still complain about my mother? I tell you, I will only have one child, and your family does not have so much property to inherit! ”
The husband felt that Xu Xin was not listening to what she was talking, that she only listened to her mother's family and did not listen to her in-laws, and she lost her temper for a while, and the two of them quarreled one by one.
However, although Xu Xin blamed her husband, she still could not soothe the old mother's heart, because the old mother did not even make breakfast early this morning, pulled the suitcase, and left her house without turning her head.
Seeing that she could not stop her mother, Xu Xin was anxious and angry, so she and her husband had a dispute again, and the quarrel in the early morning was so that they were blushing and their necks were thick.
03
Annoying her mother and making her sad has made Xu Xin feel very guilty, but what makes her more anxious is that there is no one to help her with the problem of how to work with the child.
She said, "I don't have the face to let my mother come and help!" The child thing, let my husband find a way! If he can invite his mother-in-law, then I will have a good relationship with my mother-in-law, and if he is not willing to let her mother-in-law come over, then take the money to ask for a nanny! Anyway, the current situation is self-inflicted, and I will never resign to take the baby at home. Only when this person has truly experienced the heartache and fatigue of raising a child, will he no longer think that having and raising a child is such a simple thing! ”
In fact, as a bystander, I still agree with Xu Xin's words: Only people who have brought children can deeply appreciate how tired it is to take children.
Of course, there may be some angel babies, which look very worry-free, but this is really a minority, and even if the baby is obedient and obedient, the person who takes care of him also needs to be all the time: whether he is full and warm, whether the body is uncomfortable, whether he stumbles when playing, and he cannot leave the adult's sight when he goes out.
To be honest, in terms of having children, I have always firmly believed in a point of view: people who are really tired will never easily persuade others to have a second or third child, and those who trick others into having more children are often people who stand by and never pay hardships.
The prosperity of a family is always the result of the cooperation and mutual help of all the people in the family, young and old, rather than relying on the strength of any one person alone.
Speaking of which, I personally believe that in family relations, parents and children should most clearly recognize these three problems:
First, parents try not to mix and interfere with the affairs of the two children;
In fact, in life, some parents will subconsciously have such a cognition, even if the child becomes a family, he still feels that he is still his own child, still has to be managed by himself, no matter what is in the family, he still has to listen to himself.
To put it nicely, this is indeed a parent's concern for the child, but to put it realistically: parents are too "nosy".
Think about it, why do your children start a family? Why find a significant other?
Is it just because you want to complete the task of succession?
Can't think of it that way?
A person, when he becomes a family, it shows that he needs to live independently and handle things independently, even if he lacks the ability to do so, then he needs to be given some time, or even let him suffer a little, rather than parents worried that he will not be able to complete and do not do well and stand up and arbitrarily point out and interfere.
When a child has a small family, the parents are still reluctant to let him suffer hardships, do not like him to live in the world, always think that he lacks experience, need shelter everywhere, sorry, this is not for the good of the children, but harmful to the children.
Because your child may not be able to do without your "guidance", but your child's partner may feel redundant.
Therefore, for the sake of the harmony of a small family, it is better to be a parent with one eye open and one eye closed, to shut up when it is time to shut up, to be invisible to what should not be seen, to let the children make trouble on their own, and to let the children make their own ideas.
This is not "seeing outside", nor is it ruthless, but a sense of proportion that makes people comfortable and comfortable.
Second, it is best for children not to complain to their parents about the "unsatisfactory" of their small family;
There is a saying called: The ugliness of the family should not be publicized.
For each of us, the home with our partners and children is the home that really needs to be maintained and protected, and your parents, brothers and sisters are just "outsiders" of your small family, you can be close to them, but you can't talk about it.
Some people, as long as they have a little unpleasantness with their partner, always like to tell their parents or siblings, hoping to find some comfort from them.
It's completely understandable that people want to talk to someone and chat when they're sad and bored, but it's really stupid to talk about what happened between yourself and your partner, because it not only increases your parents' worries about you, but also makes your parents have a bad view of your partner.
In other words, once the matter is over and the emotions are calm, they can soon get back together, but if they are known by the parents, it is very likely that they will "remember the revenge" in their hearts, and will feel that you are not good to their children and are not suitable for living with their children.
As an adult, the most needed trait is the ability to solve things by yourself, when you can't even resolve the problems and contradictions between you and your partner, then how can you make your marriage happy and smooth?
Third, be grateful for the help of your elders, rather than always feeling that it is taken for granted.
Whether it is between parents and children, or between young couples and in-laws and in-laws, as long as you are in difficulty, the elders can help you, even if they do not help you completely escape the predicament, you must be grateful for this.
Your parents help you because they love you and are reluctant to let you suffer, and your in-laws or in-laws help you because they love Wu and Wu, not because they owe you.
While enjoying the "benefits" brought about by the help of others, while being picky and disgusted that others have not done enough and are not good enough, this is completely selfish.
Because, how a person's life is, in fact, can not complain about others, after all, the road is your own choice, what kind of walk, which step you take, completely depends on yourself.