We all know that when we are emotionally up, scolding children and yelling at children is not good, but we often ignore it, and many daily words, seemingly casually, imply a lot of emotions and attacks.
When the child feels these emotions and attacks, he will have inexplicable anger and irritability, but he cannot say anything.
Over time, internal injuries will form, and the relationship with parents will gradually drift apart.
Parents are still inexplicable: I rarely yell at my children, I am very concerned about my children, how can this be?
The following few words, if parents often say, it is easy to have such a situation.
Look at how many of you've hit —"
1. Look at people
Example:
You look at people, you look at you.
How can people do it, why can't you?
This sentence may rank first in the child's antipathy index.
Don't talk about children, everyone hates being compared to others. Do you see any adult who would say:
"You see how beautiful people are, why don't you know how to spoil them?"
"You see how much money people can make, you look at you."
This is the rhythm of Ming Huang's fight.
But parents are so unscrupulous to use other people's children to "motivate" their own children, and expect their children to see the wise.
There's nothing wrong with setting an example, but only if it inspires self-motivation, not shame.
"You look at people", the implicit meaning of this sentence is: you are too bad, you are not as good as others, you are not good.
It also has a sense of disgust.
As a result, success provokes the child's rebellious psychology and frustration, and the anger in the stomach has nowhere to vent.
Weaker in heart, listened silently, secretly sad.
If you have a stronger heart, you can directly go back: then you will be a mother to others!
Say too much, will break the jar and break: I just can't do it!
Regardless of the reaction, one thing is the same —
If you always say this, the child may really think: I am just not good enough.
2. I've already said it
Similar sentence patterns:
You see, what I said came
How many times have I told you that you just wouldn't listen, and now you know
Many parents can't help but make up such a sentence after their children have fallen on their heels.
Maybe the original intention was to let the child remember the lesson and listen to the parents more in the future, but how to listen to how to have a hidden victor posture - when you didn't listen to me, you saw you fall into the pit.
If you objectively put things together with your child and summarize your experience, your child may accept it calmly.
But if parents use such words to try to make their children reflect, they can only arouse their children's sense of shame.
In order to escape this uncomfortable feeling, the child will express strong anger and rebellion – what do you say? I just don't listen!
As a result, a good opportunity to review was turned into an emotional confrontation in an instant.
Adults are still puzzled, and often say the following sentence -
3. I'm not there for your own good
I'm all for your own good.
I beat you to discipline you, not for your own good, other people's children let me manage me.
Parents often say this sentence, which most likely means two things:
1. Parents often interfere with their children across the line and impose their will on their children.
2. Speaking of being good for the child, it is essentially meeting one's own needs.
It's like the more a person flaunts what he doesn't care about, the more he actually cares about something.
Parents who are really good for their children rarely put "good for you" on the lips.
Moreover, if you read this sentence carefully, you always feel that there is some moral kidnapping meaning - I am a parent, can I still hurt you? You have to understand my hard work.
When saying this, parents often look bitter.
This will make the child feel the invisible pressure of affection - obviously do not want to listen to the parents, obviously feel that the parents are doing wrong, but can not say anything - and then refute, as if they have no conscience, no filial piety.
This feeling of suffocation makes the child very irritable, and he can't help but yell: Can you not be so nice to me?!
4. When I was...
When I was as old as you, I had already cooked for adults, and even like you, I was still waiting for my parents to cook for you.
I used to walk the mountain road to school, wind and rain are walking by myself, which is like you, every day by car transfer, get up and have to urge half a day.
When I was in sixth grade, I went out selling popsicles to make pocket money, and you didn't even dare to buy something yourself.
When I was a kid...
Of course, many times, parents will not say the second half of the sentence, but that meaning has been called out, as long as the child is not stupid, he can make up for it.
The subtext of this type of statement is:
I can suffer, why can't you?
If I can do it, you can do it.
If you can't do it, it means that you are too squeamish, weak, and not out of breath.
It seems that the requirements for the child are strict, but what the child feels is the crushing of a sense of moral superiority and a kind of unreasonableness. As a result, it succeeds in provoking disdain, anger and resistance from the child:
You are you, I am me, why should I be asked to be like you?
Times are different, why compare it like this?
There is also a vague sense of frustration.
Because it seems that no matter how hard you try, you can't surpass the "glory" of the past in the mouth of your parents, and you simply break the jar and break it: I am like this, what can you do?
Interestingly, compared to moms, it seems that dads prefer to say this.
It may be that dads are more likely to revel in the pride of the past (whether exaggerated or not), their thinking is not as flexible and flexible as moms, and it is easier to stay in the stereotypical pattern of "this was so decades ago, and it should be now".
5. You know how to play all day long, what else can you do?
You know ( ) all day long , what else can you do?
The parentheses can be replaced by: playing games, eating, sleeping, dressing up, reading idle books, talking back...
This sentence is another stick to death, which directly and comprehensively negates the child's efforts and efforts, making the child feel that he is worthless, and every pore is full of frustration.
The child may not talk back to you – the blow is so comprehensive that people don't know where to refute it, so they simply don't say anything.
If you want your child to become useless, you may wish to say more of this sentence, because he will slowly agree with what you say.
6. I don't care what you love
This sentence does not look like the previous few sentences with obvious emotions, but it is also very lethal and belongs to cold violence.
Its subtext is: If you don't listen to me, I'll cut off the connection with you. That means, I don't want you anymore, you're going to do it yourself, you're going to die on your own.
Children are naturally attached to their parents, and the most feared thing is to be abandoned by their parents – even on a psychological level.
So, this sentence seems to give in, but in fact it is coercive and releases a kind of indifference - I love you, it is conditional, if you do not meet my conditions, I will not love you.
In order to continue to receive the love of their parents, the child is likely to do what the parents say. But in reality, the child has been injured.
This is when the child is small, and when the child is older and more capable, he may no longer accept coercion - whatever he wants.
In the face of the child's determination, the parents are ineffective and hurt - this child, when he was a child, was not quite obedient, how did he become like this?
If you go this far, you can only lose both.
How many of these words did you hit?
None of us are perfect parents, and when we are emotionally aroused, we inevitably say something like that, more or less.
However, when we realize that these words are harmful to the child, we must keep our mouths shut and say as little as possible.
Before blurting it out, have an awareness, see what emotions and inherent patterns are implied in this sentence, and what exactly is it trying to express?
Don't say"I just said it casually" or "I'm not for the good of my children yet".
Answer these two questions honestly, pause for a second or two, and you may swallow the sentence and switch to more constructive language and more positive expressions.
Keeping your mouth shut is really not easy, but it's worth it.
With more practice, the parent-child relationship will become more and more harmonious.
After all, we are really for the good of our children.
About parent-child communication, maybe you like these articles -
Ling Xiang: Orange Mother, a national second-level psychological counselor, focuses on the mental health of children and adolescents, helps tens of millions of parents build a better parent-child relationship, and authors "Psychology That Good Mothers Understand".
![The most dangerous family education, parents of these behaviors quickly stop![fig]](data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAP///wAAACwAAAAAAQABAAACAkQBADs=)