You don't really can't let go of him as a person. You can't let go of your own efforts, you can't let go of your own expectations, you can't let go of the things that could have been successfully completed but regretted, and you can't let go of the brain supplement for your ex.
All the things in you that should belong to you are pinned on him, and you let him take them all. So when he leaves you, he seems to have taken your whole world.
To be honest, I've always admired you for people like you who can't let go of your ex after a breakup and doesn't pester. I have met many people who can't let go of their ex after a year, five years or even ten years of breakup, and the admirable thing about this kind of person is that:
Don't dwell on it – it's clear that the ex doesn't love himself anymore, doesn't want to reconcile with himself, doesn't want to be pestering, doesn't want to lose his self-esteem – is sober enough to love himself, respect himself and respect others.
Can't let go of the ex – can endure the pain and loneliness of not being able to let go of the ex, adapt to the pain, live in this pain all the time – strong enough to endure.
You know, there are many people in the world who cross the border to bring trouble to the ex after breaking up, so that the ex can't stand it, and there are some people who seamlessly enter a new relationship, they are always scolded, and they don't know when to get out of the dead cycle of lack of love.
People who are not entangled and cannot be put down, this kind of persistence and tenacity are all proper hardships and hard-working qualities, but the personality is not comprehensively developed, the maturity is limited, and the dilemma is dilemma.
If you want to save yourself from this predicament, you must first determine a firm enough goal, whether to "save" or "let go". Don't always be pushed by emotions, temporarily can't save frustration and want to put it down, can't put it down and desperately wants to try to save it, so that nothing can be done.
Why can't you get it back? There are too many reasons that cannot be recovered, specific problems have to be analyzed specifically, you can click into my home page to see the analysis in the previous article, welcome to the number into the seat.
Here's the main thing to talk about why you can't let go of your ex.
Reason one: Pinning too much stuff on your ex
For example, after being together, you become more and more dependent on him, and one day you put your own flowers in his residence, hoping that he will water and fertilize every day to help you raise the flowers well. But in fact, this pot of flowers belongs to you, and he has no responsibility to help you raise them. When he loves you enough and is willing to pay for you, he will naturally spend energy to raise well and help you bear it. He doesn't love you anymore, you don't take it, and he won't take it anymore.
Then your relationship breaks up and breaks up, he wants to return the flower to you, but you are not willing to take it back, still hope that he will continue to help you raise it, even if he is not able to raise it well. In the end he didn't ask for your flowers, and you didn't want them.
Does this pot of flowers look like all those you need for him? Want him to be your sun, want him to be your strong backing, want him to save you from suffering, want to live like a child in his company, and want him to give you support and understanding when you are sad.
He doesn't want to carry your needs anymore, and you haven't been able to carry it back. Anyway, after he doesn't care about you, you just immerse yourself in the sadness that he doesn't care about, and only care that he leaves you has become a foregone conclusion.
But before he shows up, you can be self-sufficient. Why can't you do without him?
You project your ideal partner on him, thinking he is a hero who stepped on the clouds to save you, but he is really just a common man. No one should take it for granted that he cannot save you or bear the burden.
Therefore, if you want to start a new life, take back what you have pinned down, complete it yourself, and take responsibility for your own life.
Reason two: When you think of your ex, it's easy to start denying yourself
Why is it that other people break up lightly, but you can't help but be in pain all the time?
Because when you think of your ex, it's more of a negative thought: I'm not loved, I'm worthless, I'm not recognized, and it doesn't matter how hard I try.
And what others think of is: an experience is just an experience, you can talk about it, you can't talk about it.
People who can come out after a breakup must accept the good and bad when they were together before, and are willing to continue to move forward with the positive influence given by their predecessors; those who can't get out are trapped in negative influences - they have always had frustration, they have not been confident, and they have always doubted themselves.
Not every relationship will come to the end, it is normal to break up, it is normal for the other party to become not loving you, and you have to accept that others have the right not to love you. We can't be liked by everyone, and we don't need to rack our brains to be liked by others.
When you are deeply involved in self-denial and self-doubt, you will only think that you are not good more and more, obsessed with proving yourself, and start to drill the horns.
Therefore, give the breakup a positive meaning first. Even if you think that there is nothing positive about the relationship and only endless pain for you, at least it has an early warning effect - don't be with this kind of person anymore, he will only hurt you and learn to protect yourself.
Breaking up is not necessarily a bad thing, the ex does not agree to reconcile can not mean that the ex is a "bad person" who deliberately hurts you, you have to find the changes and inspirations he brings to you, find yourself, identify with yourself, in order to feel the meaning of your life.
Reason Three: Fear and confusion about the future is more painful than the present
This state of not being able to let go of the ex and not looking for the right way to redeem it reminds me of the "Shaanxi Man's Domestic Violence Wife" incident I saw a few days ago. From the content expressed by this woman who was abused by the family, I did not see that she had any principles and bottom lines, did not intend to be separated from her husband, but hoped to alleviate her difficult situation through the support of the public, and then return to a relatively "harmonious and comfortable" state of getting along.
Why are some women so miserable by domestic violence, or do not resist? Many people say that it is for the sake of children and do not want children to grow up in single-parent families. But many people just use the reason of "for the sake of children" to disguise their personality independence and economic independence. Divorce means to get out of the comfort zone and start a completely different new life, many women who want to leave and dare not leave, because they are afraid of facing difficulties alone after separating from their husbands, and have not dared to divorce.
Going back to the question of not being able to let go of your ex, when you are more afraid and confused about the future than the pain of being trapped in the last relationship, even if the moment is really painful, you would rather choose to live in pain.
People have a nature to seek advantage and avoid harm, and will involuntarily choose a life that has been adapted to smaller twists and turns, more certainty, even if it is not real.
You feel like you'll never love someone like that again, you feel like you've been hollowed out in this relationship, and you don't know what awaits you.
You feel like you'll never meet someone like that again, afraid to face reality.
Your heart does not accept the unknown future, so you escape, choose to stay in pain, can not live well in the present, instead of what you think, "I can't help it" "I just can't get out".
It is precisely because you have not yet reached your bottom line that you can still endure, and you have become accustomed to forbearance, so you are still enduring. Those who cannot bear the pain have already "cemented their hearts".
Once you are brave and determined, learn to cement your heart, and constantly improve the bottom line of tolerance, you will become more and more unable to endure this pain, preferring to face life changes and unknown fears, but also to find a way to solve the problem. Instead of forcing yourself to live in the inertia of this pain, you would rather endure the pain than change.
When you can't put down your ex, you don't have to force yourself for the sake of being [right]. No one prescribes that you have to let go of your ex after a breakup. Those who allow themselves not to let go will not struggle with whether they can come out or not, and they no longer insist on reconciling the results.
The pain you can't let go comes from both wanting and not being able to get it.
Accept all of this first. If you really have dialectical thinking, think about your relationship, understand the reasons for separation, and understand why you can't let go, you will naturally have the motivation and courage to shoulder responsibility, accept the failures and regrets of the past, let go of meaningless consumption, and create a more satisfactory result for yourself. At that time, whether it is to let go of the ex or to get back the ex, it is a matter of convenience.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C