Text/Themi Mama (original article, welcome to share and forward personally)
Hello everyone, I'm Themi's mother~
As parents, we do not ask how rich and noble our children can be in the future, but we all hope that our children can have a smooth sailing and a safe and smooth life.
And to do that, we have to raise a mentally healthy, strong-hearted child.
So I have always admired a kind of parent who can give the greatest degree of intimacy and warmth when the child is young, and who can withdraw gracefully in time and without losing the posture when the child is an adult.
So how do you tell if your child is healthy and strong?
The famous Swiss psychologist Piaget once said: A healthy child with a strong heart needs to "betray" his parents in order to build a strong self.
Under normal circumstances, in the process of raising children, the vast majority of parents will face the child's 3 betrayals, this is because with the growth of children, it will slowly emerge from the demands of parents.
Then if we can understand this appeal, then we will be able to accompany our children and experience these three betrayals.
After that, you will find that your child will be reborn, healthy and strong.
01. First thing: Allow your child to say "no"
Under normal circumstances, many children will put "no" on their lips from the age of two or three.
At this time, we suddenly found that the originally well-behaved and sensible child suddenly became a bear child who opposed us everywhere.
In fact, from a psychological point of view, the child's beginning to say "no" is actually the beginning of the budding of self-awareness, and it is also a sign of the arrival of a sensitive period of self-awareness.
At this time, children begin to want to control their right to speak.
The book "Capturing Children's Sensitive Period" introduces: Children from the age of 2, in fact, they find themselves and the world is actually detached, so their self-awareness begins to sprout, everywhere self-centered.
Therefore, the child begins to "betray" his parents for the first time, which is manifested in the following ways: contradicting his parents, maintaining his own warning line, and insisting on coming by himself when he knows that he can't do it.
In fact, these behaviors are just establishing a sense of self-boundaries and paving the way for what kind of self you will do in the future.
As parents, we always want to use ourselves as a mold to copy a child who is similar to ourselves, but in fact, there are no two leaves in the same world, and the control of the child's life ultimately belongs to himself.
When the child can say "no" in front of the parents and will not receive malice from the parents, then the child will have more autonomy and the child's growth will have more plasticity.
02. Second thing: allow children to "withdraw" from their parents' lives
I once read such a question, there is a little girl said that since she was seven or eight years old, her parents have secretly turned over her school bag, although she feels that this is a kind of love, but she feels suffocated by this love, what should I do?
In fact, many parents want to control their children's growth in an all-round way, but we must understand that children are still the helmsmen in the process of their own life growth, and we can provide some advice and help to children at most, but we cannot directly control the direction of this ship.
Therefore, instead of depriving children of their private space and forcing them to listen to themselves, it is better to guard the psychological siege of children.
Because, as the child grows, it will slowly "withdraw" from the life of the parents, and the child is not our "private property".
From the perspective of developmental psychology, from the moment the child has self-awareness, his value orientation has changed from "you" to "me", and the inner appeal has become obvious, that is, he wants his own space.
If we can properly allow children to withdraw from the life of their parents, then it is undoubtedly to help children and move towards the seesaw of their own independence.
I once heard a mother say such a sentence, she said: When the child needs it, I appear desperately, and when the child does not need it, I leave appropriately.
Yes, only if we can allow children to have their own lives, can they experience the joys and pains of life on their own, and only after experiencing the polishing and testing of life, can they become independent and strong, and will they be prepared to shelter from the wind and rain when the wind and rain are coming, so that they will not be afraid of thunder and lightning.
03. The third thing: parents should give their children "decentralization"
Originally, there was a parent-child show, and there was a story in it that made people feel very real.
When filling in the college entrance examination, the mother has always forced the child to fill in according to his own wishes, but the child has always told the child that life is his own and wants to make his own decisions.
This can be a microcosm of parent-child relationships in countless families where we seem to be forcing our children to do something that "we think is right."
But we overlook, what we think is right, does the child think the same?
Psychology once did a study on forcing children, and studies have shown that children who have been forced to choose for a long time will not only lack judgment and the right to choose when they grow up, but also lose their sense of responsibility.
Every child should have his own choice, not to say that he is pushed by his parents at home, out of the house, and pushed by society.
Therefore, slowly give the child the power and let the child make his own decisions, so that the child can gradually experience and learn to choose, and only then can he know what he should do and what he should not do.
Mother Themi's message:
We always hope that our children can become children in other people's mouths, but we always ignore that the real parenting is to let children learn to grow and face on their own.
Therefore, don't hold the child too tightly, and sometimes, you should also respect the child's "betrayal".