Author | Qian Zhiliang
Source | Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlgzs)
Many parents reflect that their children have the habit of lying, and feel very anxious about it, "Such a big child will lie, will it deceive people in the future, and misbehave?" ”
In fact, parents do not have to be like this. Lying is a necessary stage of a child's growth.
Many parents find that their children lie, they will severely reprimand and scare their children, which is a symptom but not a cure, and find the reason behind the child's lying in order to solve the problem from the root.
Figure out why and meet your needs
According to the Children's Institute of the University of Toronto, Canada, 20% of children lie at the age of 2. At the age of 3, this figure reaches 50%, and at the age of 4, it is close to 90%.
This is because children before the age of 6 have insufficient cognitive development, can not distinguish between imagination and reality, and are relatively vague about the concepts of time, space, quantity, property rights, etc., so there are often unconscious lying behaviors.
This will gradually improve as the child grows and the cognitive level increases, and parents do not have to blame the child for this.
After the child is 6 years old, the self-awareness is getting stronger and the way of thinking is becoming more and more mature, and there will be conscious and purposeful lying.
Lies are another expression of a child's voice. Parents can take this opportunity to examine their own education methods, understand their children's inner emotions and needs, and take corresponding measures in a timely manner to help their children grow up healthily.
Most of the time, children lie to escape punishment. For example, if you run into trouble, lie and say that someone else did it; you didn't do well in the exam, you lie about your score.
As the philosopher Russell put it:
"Child dishonesty is almost always the result of fear."
In this case, it is usually because parents usually treat their children very strictly, especially when the children make mistakes and behave badly, and they are accustomed to simply and rudely punishing the children.
When telling the truth comes at a cost, the child will naturally choose to lie.
Therefore, parents need to change the way they treat their children, when children make mistakes, do not be too harsh on children, and focus on helping children recognize mistakes and make up for them.
Let the child understand that making mistakes is not so terrible, and he will have the courage to face mistakes honestly.
Sometimes, children lie in order to meet their parents' expectations and get praise. For example, lying that I was praised by the teacher today and that the books bought by the parents were read.
It is human nature to desire recognition and praise from others. Parents can guide their children to treat the evaluation of others correctly on the basis of understanding, as long as they work hard, they are the best themselves.
In the third case, the child lies to satisfy vanity. For example, saying in front of classmates that he has been abroad and his father drives a very good car.
This is often the child's growth to a certain stage, the beginning of the "material sensitivity period", the initial understanding of money, wealth, and the desire to integrate into the psychology of peers.
In this case, parents should slowly infiltrate the correct values into their children in their lives, guide their children to correctly view the rich and the poor, pay attention to self-effort, and cultivate their children's spiritual prosperity.
The last common cause is that children are afraid that their parents will be disappointed in them. For example, a child who has always performed well has encountered failures and setbacks, and chooses to cover up with lies, hoping that he has always been the best child in the hearts of his parents.
Parents need to use practical attitudes and behaviors to convey this message to their children: "Whether you are ordinary or excellent, Mom and Dad love you." "Let children dare to show their true selves in front of their parents."
Pay attention to maintaining your child's self-esteem
When children lie, many parents think that they should be directly pointed out and let their children realize their mistakes in time. This is inappropriate.
Once, when I went to a friend's house, my child wanted to go out and play, and lied that his homework had been written. After the child returned, the friend who found the truth asked the child in front of a group of people with the essence of the homework:
"Didn't you say you were done?" It will deceive people all day long, and it will be a terrible game! ”
The child stood in a dilemma at the door, unable to say a word, his face was red, and finally rushed to the room and slammed the door.
At any time, it is not wise to put your child in an embarrassing, embarrassing situation.
Directly debunking and forcing the child to admit that he has lied will not only not let the child stop lying, but will produce the following two bad results;
First, the child "stubbornly resists to the end", does not admit it, and refuses to reflect;
Second, the child admits his mistake, but his self-esteem is greatly hurt, which is not conducive to the correction of the child's behavior.
If parents choose to gently remind and hint at their children, they will make children grateful for their parents' tolerance and kindness, and in order not to disappoint their parents, they are more willing to change their behavior.
Academician Zhong Nanshan also revealed the experience of lying when he was a child, and once hid the food expenses that should have been handed over to the school and bought snacks.
When his mother asked if there was anything left for food, he lied and said there was nothing left.
When the lie was debunked, he thought his parents would beat him up. Unexpectedly, the mother did not blame too much, but just said to him:
"You're dishonest in doing that."
The father, who had always been stern, said:
"Nanshan, think about it, you lied to us like this, are you right?"
Academician Zhong later recalled: "The words of my parents felt more stimulating to me than hitting me. That day, he reflected deeply on his mistakes.
Do not stand on the opposite side of the child, mercilessly expose the child's lies, but pay attention to maintaining the child's self-esteem, stand with him, and inspire the child's reflection and thinking in the way of inspiration and reminder.
In this way, children have more courage and motivation to change, and also strengthen their trust in their parents.
In addition, parents should not label their children as "lying spirits" and "liars", which will cause negative hints to their children and become more fond of lying.
Build a relationship of mutual trust with your child
One parent once shared his story:
He found that his son, who was in the second year of junior high school, bought a mobile phone without him, and kept lying that he was a classmate, and after understanding, he learned that the child did not eat breakfast every day, and saved up breakfast money and usual pocket money for a semester.
Usually strict, he was not angry with the child this time, but felt deeply sad and remorseful.
He suddenly reacted, he had forgotten when to start, the child would not tell his parents about his own things, nor had he ever heard him say that he wanted to buy a mobile phone, preferring to be hungry rather than open his mouth to his parents.
He suddenly found that the child had gone to the second year of junior high school and had become a small adult, but his relationship with his son was becoming more and more strange, and he had been talking about his work, never talking to the child about his heart and chatting, as if it was just a moment, and he missed the growth of so many children.
For children to lie, parents need to do, not only to solve the problem itself, but more importantly to think about how to establish a mutual trust relationship with children, so that children are willing to tell the truth to their parents, speak from the heart.
If children are often suppressed, denied, and scolded when expressing their feelings and needs, in the long run, children will no longer dare to be honest with their parents and show their true selves.
For example, children have recently been under a lot of pressure to study and have a lot of homework, and sighed: "Alas, it is really tiring to go to school." ”
Some parents immediately feel worried and angry, afraid that their children will not study well, so they scold their children:
"Tired of school? Don't you get tired when we go to work for you to study? If you don't study hard now, what can you do in the future? ”
For another example, if the child wants a pair of shoes that are a little expensive, and the parents do not want to buy them, they criticize the child for not having such a request:
"You're in school now, it's better to study well than anything else, don't be so vain."
"Why are you so ignorant?" Don't you know what the conditions of our house are? ”
Children always lie, parents should reflect on whether the usual communication methods are appropriate and whether the parent-child relationship is good.
Listen more, judge less, allow children to express their thoughts and demands, give respect and understanding, so that children are willing to open their hearts to their parents.
Parents should be honest role models
I saw a news item like this in May last year:
A man in Huai'an drunk driving, encountered the traffic police in front, so he and his wife changed seats in an attempt to evade punishment. During the inspection, the 7-year-old son sitting in the back seat exposed his mother's lies on the spot and told the traffic police: "The car was driven by dad." ”
Some parents, even teaching their children to lie, once took the subway, heard a mother in front of them whisper to their children: "In a moment, if someone asks, you will say that you are not yet one meter and two." ”
For the sake of a small profit in front of the eyes, but to give the child the wrong guidance, it is really not worth the loss.
If you want to change your child's lying behavior, parents should set an honest example for their children.
If parents themselves always lie in front of their children, it will not only reduce the prestige of parents in the hearts of their children, but also make children vulnerable to adverse influences and learn to lie.
In addition, parents should also pay attention to their own commitments in front of their children and believe in their words.
For example, sometimes parents cheat and lie to their children in order to make their children obedient:
"When you're ready to eat, we'll go to Grandma's house."
"We also have this toy at home, listen to my mother, go home first, go back and I'll get it for you."
These behaviors should be avoided as much as possible.
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