If you want to cultivate a good and sensible child, then lose your temper less and talk to him less.
Discovering the shining points in him, using words of praise to guide him and motivate him is the most effective way.
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I have a friend, he is a well-known lawyer, has won a lot of cases, in my impression, he has a clear mind, logical and meticulous, you can say things clearly in half an hour, he will make you clear in ten minutes.
However, just such a person, he also has pain points, he is still unable to get his son, no matter how reasonable he is, no matter how well he argues, the child just does not listen.
Once, the friend really couldn't hold back, so he yelled at his son and moved his hand, but he didn't expect the child to run away from home...
After finding the son, there was no more effective communication between father and son.
After this incident, my friend did not dare to lose his temper from then on, and one day at dinner, my friend said to me:
"I wondered, I can even convince the judge, why can't I convince a hairy child!"
In life, we have seen too many parents throw tantrums at their children and talk about big truths, but you find that no matter how well your reasoning is, no matter how good your temper is, how your children should be, or how they are.
Children may be submissive to your "majesty" for a few days, and it won't be long before they are back to their original state.
We can't help but ask, is the reasoning not perfect, or the temper is not fierce enough, why are our children so "tenacious", soft and hard do not eat?
In fact, in my opinion, we can't get the child, it's not the child's problem, it's because we don't know how to get the child.
In fact, when you're familiar with something, you don't need to lose your temper or nag all day and say things that your child is tired of hearing.
Want to get the child, want to let the child develop in a positive direction, in fact, the method is very simple, summed up in one sentence: "pick the bone in the egg."
It is to dig out the advantages from the child, find the highlights, and then praise him desperately.
Now, we must first understand why tantrums and reasoning are useless.
01
It's not that I don't listen
It is your temper that makes me unable to hear or understand at all
I don't know if you have heard of the 55387 law, it says:
When you talk to a person, what the other person can perceive is 55% of the image and attitude + 38% of the eyes and tone + 7% of the specific content.
In other words, if you talk to your child with a temper, only 7% of what your child actually hears, which means you have to yell over and over again.
I once did an experiment where when I was talking to my son, I would crouch down, look him sincerely in the eye, and gently tell him, "Can we go take a shower now?"
My son would basically cooperate and obediently follow me to the shower.
Sometimes, when I forget about this, I will also casually say, "Go, go to dinner", but my son often ignores me, and I even wonder if I am not loud enough, he can't hear, or he hears it and deliberately does not return.
After knowing this law, I understood that what we usually say is composed of 55% + 38% + 7% = 100%.
When the brain encounters a sudden crisis, there are only three situations: attack, escape, and freezing.
For children, when you lose your temper, their brains unconsciously feel the crisis, so they exhibit behaviors that either resist, run away, or just stay still.
So, you think you're saying it very clearly, but in reality, the child is not fully receiving your information, and their brains are still thinking about safety.
02
Your truth is only your truth
Children have their own reasons
When you say to your child, "You must go to college, if you don't go to college, you will be ruined", do you believe it, the child will definitely find counterexamples at this time.
He probably thought in his head: "No, Uncle Wang next door didn't go to college, but now he is also successful."
People are like this, you have your reason, others have other people's reasons, and the same is true for children.
Therefore, when we try to convince the child in a reasonable way, if this truth is not the child's cognition, then you cannot impress him in any way.
For children, being persuaded by you is equivalent to being defeated by you, and no one likes to be defeated.
When I was a child, I was very sloppy, and the room was always messy, so I often suffered from my mother's preaching.
However, no matter how mad the mother is, the room should be chaotic.
It's not because I deliberately want to fight against my mother, I just think, chaos is my business, you have to feel chaos, then you clean up, just so-called, who suffers who changes.
Later, once, I went to my classmates and found that his room was very tidy, he said that he took care of it himself, I was actually a little touched, since then, I will tidy up the room clearly, this habit has been maintained to this day.
So you see, what really changed me was not my mother's preaching, but my own awareness, and I chose to make my room go from chaotic to tidy.
Our dissatisfaction with the child's behavior is only our choice, but the child's behavior is his own, it is his choice, and we have to use the so-called "truth" to say that the child's choice is not right, and the result can be imagined.
Based on the above two points, I think that tantrums and reasoning are extremely weak ways of communicating.
Not only can not achieve the effective transmission of information, but also hurt our parent-child feelings, which is obviously not the best way to raise.
What is puzzling is that many people know that these practices are useless, but they just can't control themselves and do it at every turn.
I think that the reason for this situation is probably the following reasons:
Family heritage
Many people reproduce the practice of their parents when they were young, and subconsciously feel that my parents did this to me, so I will do the same to you.
In practice, we have found that many parents who scold their children have the experience of being scolded by their parents when they are young, which is the inheritance of a kind of behavior, you don't realize it, but it really exists.
Psychologists have done experiments: A, B, C three monkeys, were kept in a cage, on top of the cage, put a few bananas.
When the monkey finds a banana, it will definitely go and get it.
At this time, as long as there are monkeys to get it, there will be a high-pressure water gun sprayed in from outside the cage, and all three monkeys will suffer.
After a period of training, the three monkeys never went to pick up bananas again, and at this time, let the A monkey out and put a new D monkey in.
When monkey D finds a banana, it immediately climbs up to get it, but monkey B and C will immediately pull it down and beat it up, and over time, monkey D will no longer go to bananas.
That's it, the old monkeys come out, the new monkeys go in, and all the monkeys behind them form an unspoken rule: bananas can't be taken!
The above experiment is a kind of inheritance, you don't know why you do it, but you do it subtly.
Unwilling to admit that I was wrong
Our biggest problem is that we always feel like we're right.
We will think that the child is born by himself, he should listen to us, if the child does not cooperate, it is the child's fault, we are not wrong.
Don't know there is a better way
We are both first-time parents, and there are some special situations that we really don't know how to deal with.
Because we don't know, it is easy for us to be anxious and lose our temper.
It is human nature to judge others
A Brief History of Mankind says:
"Gossip is one of the ladders of human progress, we like to discuss others, we like to judge people and things outside."
It is in our nature for children to reason with them, and we are accustomed to judging children.
It is precisely because of the above points that even though we know that it is useless, we still can't help but do it.
Going back to our method, as we said before, "picking bones in eggs" is to dig out the advantages from the child, find the highlights, and then praise him desperately, as follows:
Find a piece of paper;
Use a pen to list all the advantages of the child on the paper, the more the better;
For the advantages of paper, find one thing every day and bind it to a certain advantage of the child;
Speak to children;
Keep doing so.
For example, if the child's words are really ugly, then there is always a certain word that looks good, or there is always a "horizontal" written straight enough;
For example, if the child procrastinates, there is always a moment when it is positive;
For example, if the child often does not keep time, there is always a time to be punctual.
As long as you have the mentality of "picking bones in the egg", how can you not find advantages?
If you really love your children, feel free to go for them.
Why is it that children are more likely to cooperate and are more willing to develop in a positive direction?
1. Labeling effect:
When a person is labeled by a word name, he manages his self-perception so that his behavior is consistent with the content of the label.
I have a nephew, usually lazy and lazy, do not like to do housework, one day after dinner, the nephew took the initiative to clean up the dishes, my sister inadvertently praised him as a hard-working child.
Unexpectedly, since then, the nephew has really become very industrious, and with the increase in the number of praises, the nephew seems to have firmly engraved the label of diligence on himself.
This is the typical label effect, in order to maintain this label, a person's behavior will consciously lean in the direction of the label.
2. Water Management Theory in Relationships:
We know that in order for water to flow smoothly in the pipe, the water pipe needs to be open.
For families, our parent-child relationship with our children is the water pipe.
Parent-child relationship is good, no matter what you say, the child will usually be willing to listen;
But the parent-child relationship is not good, even if you are right, the child is usually not willing to listen.
And through praise, praise, encouragement, you can greatly enhance the parent-child relationship.
Back to the beginning of the article, I told my lawyer friend at the time: you just find one thing to praise him every day, you have to boast with evidence, you have facts, anyway, this is also what you are good at.
Just such a small thing, in just one month, he completely "conquered" his son.
Later, I heard that his son admired him very much.
When we are young, we often find that some children do not love to learn, all day naughty, but occasionally one day by the teacher praised, the result of these children instantly become sensible, should learn to learn, what to do.
3. "Desire to be recognized" is the greatest weakness of people:
At work, I have come into contact with thousands of rebellious and disobedient children, among them, some beating their parents, some cursing their parents to die, some not talking to their parents for months...
However, without exception, as long as parents are willing to insist on admiring them from the bottom of their hearts, it will not be long before these children will return to the family and will re-establish a parent-child relationship with their parents.
In my opinion, there were never any bad kids, no rebellious kids, and their "different" just wanted to tell the world: "I'm important, I need to be paid attention to"!
If you are the one who pays attention to him, then please praise him unreservedly, appreciate him, and encourage him.
I appreciate a quote from Fan Deng:
When the child does the right thing, it is the best time for the parent to shape his behavior, and when the child does wrong, it is the best time for the parents to close the relationship with the child.
If you want to make your child change, then please praise him more, and if you want to get closer to your child, then please understand him more.
Being a parent is actually very easy, as long as you are really willing to pay for your children, your children can definitely feel your warmth.
Tips: Compliments on Children's Routines: The FFC Model
The first F is feeling, referring to how I feel;
The second F is fact, which says that I don't feel this way for no reason, I have a factual basis;
The third C is compare, which means to compare it with something.
For example:
Wow, what you're wearing today makes my eyes light up, very fresh feeling (F);
You see with a hairpin to stand up the hair, the white skirt with a pink T-shirt is very conspicuous (F);
I felt more dazzling than the other people who came in (C).
For children, if you use this way of encouraging, the child will feel better, for example:
If you replace "Son, thank you for your help" with "Son, my mother is very relieved today, I didn't say anything today, you washed the pot, and it was even more serious than I washed it."
I believe that your child will be like a spring breeze.
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