Ms. W:
My husband and I got married in 2015, and my husband is very critical of me in life, and he will be angry and reprimanded whenever he does not go his way. He thinks I don't trust him in a lot of things, and a lot of problems between us are different because of our family origins.
Also, he felt that my parents interfered too much with us. We are currently childfree and trying to get pregnant. But at the moment, I'm not very confident.
He loves his 10-year-old daughter with his ex-wife the most, and avoids intimate contact with me when his daughter is present, fearing that his daughter will be jealous. I was uneasy and didn't know how to deal with the distance from him.
This problem has also been criticized by his ex-wife before, but the emotional alienation of his parents in his native family has led to him not being good at handling husband and wife relationships. I didn't know how I was going to adjust to him.
In public, he also avoided physical contact such as holding hands with me.
When the little girl was 8 years old, her parents divorced and she would only come to live with us on weekends, but she mainly lived with us during the epidemic prevention period.
Usually weekends can endure and pass, now after a long time it is unbearable backlog ...
I talked to him [the need for intimacy] and tried to change, but he didn't change much. At present, I try to see him as a roommate, maybe this way to pull the relationship away will not cause so much loss caused by expectations. But I don't know how long I can put up with this.
Experts in this issue: Senior psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national second-level psychological counselor - Tan Suyi
Tan Suyi
· I heard about it, senior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center
· National second-level psychological counselor
· Psychosexual counselor
· Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
· Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
· Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
· Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation
Teacher Tan Suyi's interpretation:
In family relationships, the husband cares more about the daughter of his ex-wife, and avoids being close to his wife, worried that if he is good to his wife, his daughter will be jealous, thinking that his father's love for him has been robbed.
And Mr. does this, making you feel that in the eyes of Mr. Chen, stepdaughter is more important than himself, think that Mr. does not love and care about himself, feels hurt, helpless, lost and uneasy, especially during the epidemic, there is too much discomfort.
And due to his own native family problems, Mr. cannot express his emotions and emotions in an appropriate way, and is not good at handling the relationship between husband and wife, making you feel that communication with him is not smooth and it is difficult to get along.
This family state makes you very dissatisfied and unbearable, and your husband also expresses dissatisfaction, thinking that your parents are too involved. You want to change, I hope your husband can also see your intimate needs, the family is warmer, the husband and wife relationship is closer, but you don't know what to do.
What should be done about this?
He believes that differences in family origin lead to differences in the conduct of husband and wife. You also feel that the emotional alienation of the parents of the original family has caused the husband to be not good at handling the relationship between husband and wife.
Indeed, many of our beliefs, skills, habits, ways of getting along, including the way we communicate with others, etc., are more or less learned from our original families, and even our values, outlook on life, etc. are deeply influenced by our parents.
Therefore, it is inevitable that people from two different families of origin will have differences.
Husband and wife have big differences in personality and different needs for intimacy, and it is difficult to say right or wrong about this.
Some people say: My partner and I have completely different personalities and incompatible personalities, so I broke up.
Some people also say: It is precisely because of the difference in personality that they will attract each other!
The existence of differences is not terrible, there is no perfect 100% fit in this world.
More importantly, how do we view and deal with this difference, through efforts, resolve the negative impact of the difference, and even become a resource to promote the relationship between husband and wife.
A person's maturity begins precisely when you can accept differences and start to really think from the perspective of others.
Understanding needs to stand on the basis of full understanding.
Only by understanding ourselves and then reflecting on our own behavior patterns can we read ourselves and our partners.
See each other's strengths and weaknesses, understand the minefield of each other's emotions, express and deal with each other's emotions, constantly feel themselves and each other, learn effective communication, so as to reduce conflicts, achieve common ground while reserving differences and complementarity, and harvest harmonious relationships.
If husband and wife can communicate benignly, mutual understanding, acceptance, tolerance and trust with each other, any problems and difficulties can be easily solved.
Then, for the problem of intimate distance, on the basis of benign communication, you can find a comfortable and acceptable range for each other.
In the relationship between stepparents and children, the intermediate role played by the child's biological parents is very crucial.
Husband and wife can communicate and negotiate, and reach a consensus on how to do a good job in the responsibility and division of labor in the upbringing of their daughters, and how to balance family relationships with husbands.
At the same time, he also guides his husband to put himself in his wife's shoes and understand his wife's difficulties, learn to appreciate his wife's dedication to her daughter, and at the same time pay attention to emotional communication with his wife to create a harmonious husband and wife relationship.
In this process, if you feel difficult, it is understandable, marriage management is a lesson, and stepparents and stepchildren do not have the natural intimacy brought by blood, the relationship is complex and delicate, and it is necessary to learn how to get along.
You can seek the help of professionals, better and more directional self-exploration, know yourself, understand the root cause of the formation of your own personality characteristics, break through your own limitations and obstacles, improve the wisdom and skills of dealing with intimate relationships, and better manage intimate relationships.