Recently, I have been talking with friends for a long time about the confusion in growing up, and I think I have a lot to say, saying that it may be useless to the older generation, and the deep-rooted ideas of the older generation are difficult to change.
But I want to tell myself that I want to correct myself from our own upbringing to educate the next generation, to remind myself not to become what we resisted in the first place, behavioral genetics, hearing and sometimes being really scary.
When you're treating your child with all your voice, there's a moment when you realize that my parents treated me the same way, didn't you? Some of the ideas you subconsciously impose on your children are not what your parents imposed on you in the first place? There is also a very heavy thing, the education of parents is not only in preschool and semester, nor is it only in the adulthood and family of children.
I've met wonderful friends in their thirties who suffer late at night because of their parents' incomprehension.
We seem to have become so strong that we can buy a house and a car in the city, work and live, have children, and we can even advise our parents and give them a lot of advice on decisions. But when our parents stimulate us, we involuntarily go back to our childhood, feeling aggrieved, painful, and depressed.
Parental denials have a greater impact than any external evaluation.
In order to avoid falling into the trap, it is specially recorded and used for the three provinces.
01
It is not better than the advantages and disadvantages, only the differences are considered.
Comparison may be human nature, and you need to deliberately control this psychology to avoid.
When people say "other people's children", they know that this is a rotten stem, and they often involuntarily compare.
Friends do not develop well, and parents can't help but compare other people's children while worrying.
Whose child was admitted to the civil service, how much money he earned in a year, how well he was paid; the child who graduated from high school started his own business and bought a house somewhere. And who, in what unit, was booming, and how much he enjoyed it.
In the words of a friend, it is to use the peak of others to crush their own troughs and break themselves into pieces. However, in the process of parenting, did not we find that there is a huge difference between the natural temperament of the baby and the baby?
Some babies are naturally introverted, and he can't do it in business, but he can calm down and concentrate on doing things that others find uninteresting and he is very interested in.
Some babies are naturally active and can't sit still for a moment, so you can't ask him to be a bully, because even the minimum long-term concentration can't be guaranteed.
So, a new generation of parents is beginning to know that the process of parenting is the process of discovery. Observe the child, test the child, take him to experience more, take him to try more, do not set limits for him. Then, in the process, we will continue to discover the characteristics of the child, and then focus on cultivating according to this characteristic preference.
Introverts and extroverts, there is no distinction between superiors and disadvantages, introverts seek calm inwards, extroverts seek satisfaction outwards; there is no distinction between sharpness and blunt sensitivity. People with high sensitivity are smart, and people with strong blunt feelings are happy.
Never compare the advantages and disadvantages, discover the differences between children and children, respect them, and take advantage of differences. Difference is the foundation of everyone's foothold and cannot be replaced.
02
When asking a child, first ask yourself if you have done it.
Chicken babies are popular now, but parents who really know chicken babies know it. When you ask for children, you have to do it yourself first, and actions speak louder than words.
A parent who watches TV and brushes his mobile phone is not qualified to ask his child to read a book quickly.
Now people can't get rid of brushing mobile phones, I can't do it, and I don't dare to force children to read books, I am deeply ashamed, fortunately, children like to read books.
A parent who cannot go to university on his own is not eligible to require his child to be admitted to Tsinghua Peking University.
You could say I missed the times, and if I had been born in the present, I could have gone to college as well. But now there are all kinds of adult exams, all kinds of continuing education, all kinds of industry qualification exams. Why not elevate yourself? Before there was an 83-year-old grandfather who took the college entrance examination (there is no age limit for people in the society to participate in the college entrance examination), after the aunt who accompanied her child to the examination, she was admitted by herself.
In the case that they do not have the confidence to apply for an MBA, what reason is there to ask their children to attend prestigious schools? Don't use "I'm all for your own good" as an excuse. Next, let's talk about this.
03
Never say it: I do everything for your own good.
Have you thought about it? Which baby chose to come into this world on his own? The reacting child can completely refute you: all the experiences behind him are imposed on him by you. If you don't give birth to him, he doesn't have to go through it. You can think silently in your heart, child, I forced you to study for your own good, because you are still young and do not understand things. I've been through it and know how important it is to learn.
The logic is right, but don't say it. Once you say it, the hidden meaning behind it comes out: you have to be grateful to your parents.
Since we have given him an independent life, we must give him autonomy and not impose your own ideas on him.
You can use your age and experience to give him a reference and then let him make his own decisions.
I reflected on myself, although I have not told the child for my own reasons that I am all for your own good, but once because the kindergarten teacher almost said, the teacher did not let him take a nap with the toy, I almost said: The teacher is also for your own good, afraid that you will fall asleep when the quilt is lifted by the toy. When the words came to my mouth, I silenced myself in time and quickly stopped myself. Changed to: Baby, you think, if you put the toy on the bed, when you turn over when you sleep, will not be overwhelmed, or hugged on the chest, the quilt will not stick to you, so that you may have a cold, runny nose, uncomfortable.
04
Don't think of self-motivated efforts as sacrifices for your children.
A few days ago, a friend in the group talked about a relative of them, who began to accompany their children in high school and rent a house near the school. It seems that there is nothing, and it is not uncommon for parents to accompany students. But it is also posted in the family group: for the sake of children's reading, it is also the responsibility of parents to make something delicious for children to eat.
Just filled out the volunteer, have made plans for the child, undergraduate after the master's degree, master's degree after the doctorate. Later, the child really went to college, and the style of painting began to change: the child did not know what to do when he went to school, the child did not need us when he was older, and the phone did not call much.
In fact, the previous experience of accompanying reading, if the child can accept it, you must also do it, which is also normal. But it can be seen from the gradual alienation from his parents when the child goes to college that he does not fully accept the efforts of his parents and loses his self-love. Whenever he has the opportunity, he will choose to escape and breathe more free air.
Everyone says that parents only do this to move themselves, feel that they are selflessly giving, feel how great they are, and hope that others will follow suit.
05
Timely withdrawal, parents weaned, children are not accessories.
Once, a professor from the department of psychology gave us a lecture and we were very impressed. When a child becomes an adult, parents should choose to leave and not get too involved in his life.
Many parents will be lost, thinking that their children have grown up, their wings are hardened, and they do not need parents. But the professor says you should be happy because it means that the child you've worked so is finally independent and can live in the world normally without you.
I often hear it said that the child who loves you so much now will not need you when he grows up and finds his other half. How painful it will be for you. I always say that I will feel lost and empty, but I will start to do a good job of psychological construction from now on. I love him, and the purpose of educating him from an early age is to hope that one day he can stand on his own in this world, have his own circles, have his own favorite things to do, have his own lovers, be loved by others, and live a full life every day.
After all, one day, I will leave first. I don't want his world to collapse when I leave, so before I leave, I'll help him build the pillars of his world. I hope he finds someone who can replace me loving him.
A friend who gets married and gets pregnant will go back to her mother's house less often. In fact, it was only once every seven or eight days, so she was scolded by her parents, saying that she did not have them in her heart and treated her home as a hotel. They felt very chilled.
It is also popular to marry at two ends now. The woman's parents require that the first child's surname must follow the woman's surname and the second child's surname follow the man's surname. This is probably because parents do not know how to quit at the right time and regard their children as appendages of life.
I really hope that every parent can listen to this lesson before becoming a parent and know what kind of relationship they should have with their children at all stages.
END
Of course, without the suffering of others, do not persuade others to be good.
We haven't fully experienced the process of parenting, and we don't know if we'll become such parents in the process.
Take this as a memory and always be alert to yourself.