Two days ago, a friend sent me a screenshot:
The friend is very confused, he seems to be serious love, how to the lover then become heavy.
Friends even came to the conclusion that "the other party doesn't love enough." ”
I understand my friend's annoyance, but I also think it's not as simple as "the other person doesn't love enough" or so. So why does some love seem particularly heavy? Is there a relationship between serious love and heaviness? What exactly is healthy love?
Take a look at today's article.
Feeling that love is heavy,
It is often the relationship that is out of balance
Love, in idealism, is described as something huge, uncompromising, and unrestricted. In reality, however, love that is huge, uncompromising, and beyond limits can hurt both parties.
When a person loves too much and too deeply, the love becomes heavy. Heavy love can make a partner feel suffocating pressure, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
Loving too much may be a kind of torture for both parties—
First, as the recipient of love, you will feel trapped in emotional debt.
The reciprocal effect of love speaks of us that we may want to give back to a certain extent for a person because they are good to themselves. However, when the other person's love for themselves is far beyond the scope of what we can easily give back, we may develop a strong sense of powerlessness and guilt.
"In love, I always have a feeling of indebtedness to her, and I can feel her disappointment when I can't reciprocate with the same love. But I'm not her, and sometimes I feel pretty powerless. ”
Alex, 29 years old
In such a relationship for a long time, the "indebted" party may even begin to want to escape and quit, or rationalize the situation by belittling the other's love (Gunther, 2012).
At the same time, as the giver of love, it is also easy to squeeze negative emotions and form low self-esteem.
Studies have found that people in unequal relationships are more likely to develop feelings of inferiority and turmoil (Bringle et al., 2013).
When their true love is rejected by the other party, they will doubt their own value. While losing oneself and personality and stopping self-growth, one realizes that one is not worthy of being treated well, which leads to a decline in self-esteem.
In addition, when they do not receive rewards for a long time and their partners cannot meet their expectations, they will feel dissatisfied with themselves and their partners, and even feel resentment (Gunther, 2012).
"I don't understand why she still can't really fall in love with me after I gave so much and returned home from a first-tier city." It may be that I am not good enough to meet her requirements, and I feel that I have become very twisted. ”
Fire, 27 years old
When partners become the center of their world, they tend to ignore the things that once made them happy, their jobs, hobbies, and even friends and family.
Because they invest too much in the relationship, they may even get lost in reality – because they love that person too much and have long since given up their own standards, boundaries, and bottom lines.
Clinical psychologist Bringle et al. (2013) summarized "unequal love relationships" with several other types of love (crush on the impossible, crush on the person around you, unilateral pursuit of an object of love, obsession with the ex) as a manifestation of "unrequited love".
Social scientists believe that about 98% of people have experienced this "unresponsive love" (Baumeister, 1993).
How is heavy love formed?
1) "Qualitative asymmetry" of love needs
Once a romantic relationship begins, the intensity of the love, the nature of the love experienced by two people, and the expectations for how quickly the relationship will develop will vary — what psychologists call "qualitative asymmetry."
There may be differences in the passion, intimacy, commitment, level of attachment to each other, caregiving, sexual desires, and fetishes felt by both parties in a qualitatively asymmetrical relationship (Bringle et al., 2013).
Strong qualitative asymmetries can bring many problems to relationships. For example, if one partner in a relationship has high passion and low commitment, and the other partner has low passion and high commitment, then even if both people in the relationship feel that they love each other, both parties are most likely unhappy (Regan, 1998).
In general, when the love needs of the two parties are inconsistent, there will be imbalances due to qualitative asymmetry.
2) The existence of cognitive biases about "true love"
There are also people who have lacked love experience or have had bad experiences, resulting in a bias in their perception of true love.
People who lack love experience often repeat the interaction between their parents in their feelings, and love people according to the way their parents love each other. But if the pattern of getting along between parents is unhealthy, then it is difficult to know what two people who are healthy and in love should be.
For example, if the mother is the one who is accustomed to lowering her needs and focusing on making her father happy, then she may also be the one who must make her partner feel good, regardless of her true feelings. In this way, in the relationship, it becomes a low self-esteem person and a flatterer.
In addition, if the past lover often treats himself in a way that degrades and manipulates, then it is likely to form a low self-esteem, thinking that he is not worthy of good love at the basic level of giving, thus overpaying and making love heavy.
3) Hungry "So Love" vs. Sincere Expression of Love
Even without low self-esteem issues, people may make their love appear heavy because they don't express it healthily — people who express love in order to get constant approval from their partners and get equal rewards.
Psychologists refer to this as emotional hunger expression (Firestone, 2009), which carries a layer of "love" motivation and is very different from healthy expression, that is, sincerely expressing one's passion and likes to one's partner.
Healthy giving starts from a genuine generosity motivation, and we may have abundant, even excessive, "resources of love" to provide (e.g., time, support, energy, etc.).
Healthy giving love makes us feel good and energized, often without overthinking actions and without expecting anything in return.
Over-givers often just claim that they don't ask for anything in return, but they strongly expect that the other party can unconditionally pamper, praise or accompany them because of their own efforts.
What to do if you get caught up in a heavy relationship?
Here are 3 tips -
1) Communicate each other's true love needs through role play
Don't wait for your partner to guess your mind. Express your true demands directly to your partner and give them time to perform. Don't take the psychology of "ta is the person closest to me, ta should understand me", and miss the opportunity to express sincerely again and again.
Many times it is difficult for us to understand how our words and deeds affect the people around us until we actually experience it. It is possible to make an agreement with your partner to "play each other all day".
This is a small game commonly used in family therapy and drama therapy - role-playing (Superadmin, 2011). In this way, the other party intuitively sees what they are in their eyes.
In the exchange, you can even add some improvisation elements to the process, expressing "you are usually like that, and I hope you can do this." ”
2) Receiver of love: Adjust the thinking mode of passive giving
Many recipients of long-standing unequal love are passive givers. But passive giving, often caused by requests from others, can lead to feelings of resentment and can be exhausting.
Try to find the inner motivation that has nothing to do with the other person's "demands" and wants to be good purely because you love the other person, and then let this motivation lead you to give in love.
3) The giver of love: adjust the proportion of life in the relationship
Marriage counselor Jane Reardon believes that instead of thinking about how to run a perfectly balanced relationship, adjust the proportion of the relationship in your life. If you used to habitually focus all your attention on your partner throughout the day, try to start small and shift the focus of your life to yourself.
Try to do one thing for yourself each day, or plan some time to spend alone or with friends. In this process, you must also remember to establish boundaries, and when you feel that both parties are unbalanced, you must firmly reject the idea that you want to continue to pay for your partner. Until your partner truly appreciates your efforts and gives you back with practical actions, then allow yourself to continue.
Finally, in the words of the philosopher Ayn Rand:
"Don't feel like you're giving a lot for one person, the other person should love you." The currency in love is never how much to give, but it should be each person's own virtue. ”
above.
Interaction Today: What do you think is the reason for "loving too much"? Will you be bothered by "heavy love"? Come to the comments section and discuss it with us.~