Guangzhou listen to the bar psychological counseling guide: The impact of extramarital affairs on a family is not only for the couple itself, but also for young children. Divided love and hate, buried in small hearts, have never been seen or repaired.
Today, we will show you a case of child psychological counseling, we will follow the counselor to see how the love and hatred in the young children's hearts are presented and how they are healed after the parents' extramarital affairs.
"Teacher Xu Wenjiao, child psychological counselor of Guangzhou Listening Bar Psychological Counseling Center:"
(Due to the principle of confidentiality of psychological counseling, the personal information related to the visitor has been revised and processed.) )
Little Lisa, a fifth-grade elementary school student, was brought by her mother for child psychological counseling. The mother divorced because the husband cheated, and the couple tossed for more than two years and chose to divorce.
After the divorce, my mother, after a year of adjustment of marital psychological counseling, just came out of the shadows and improved her relationship with her ex-husband.
At this time, the mother suddenly realized that her daughter may also have a psychological shadow because of this matter, worried about the child's mental health, so she took the child to receive psychological counseling.
The current situation of Little Lisa's life: After the divorce, Little Lisa lives with her mother, and her father takes Little Lisa out to play for a day every week, but because of the resentment between husband and wife, Dad can sometimes see Little Lisa, sometimes not.
Little Lisa has normal social functions, excellent learning, and is deeply liked by teachers. But the mother feels that her daughter's personality is not good enough, although there is no contradiction with her classmates, but there are not many close friends; Moreover, disobedient, often confrontation with the mother, making trouble, sometimes forcing the mother to be very mad, and even can't help but beat and scold the daughter.
Afterwards, the mother was very remorseful and guilty, but she really didn't know how to get along with her daughter, loved her and couldn't stand her.
The mother gave birth smoothly, because of the lack of milk after childbirth, and did not know how to take the child, but also busy with work, so when Little Lisa was one year old, she was sent to the morning care agency.
Since then, although Little Lisa has been living with her parents, the relationship between mother and daughter is not good, and her mother finds it difficult for Little Lisa to bring. The early separation also caused Little Lisa to form a contradictory attachment relationship, love and hate, good and bad are more divided. (We'll move on to this later and see how this state of mind affects Little Lisa in intimate relationships.) )
Little Lisa loves sandbox games, and after the consultant told her about the setting, she immediately began to pose her own sand world according to her imagination. Her sand table was very full, feeling that the contents were about to overflow, and there could not be a single gap between the sand and the sand, as if she wanted to cram everything she wanted.
The feeling this child gives to the counselor is that she is afraid of the feeling of "emptiness" inside her heart! Mom also reflected that Little Lisa's whole room was stuffed with toys, and she saw her favorite toys, she had to buy them immediately, and she had to buy a lot every time, and her parents could not change her habit with many methods.
This feeling of stuffing lasted 10 times, and Little Lisa's sand table began to have some boundaries, order and space appeared, and some things she wanted to put in this time, but would say to herself, "I'm going to make xx worlds with that [some sand harness] next time." Start to be able to delay gratification.
There is also a small episode here: once at the sand table, Little Lisa found that one of her favorite sand tools had been damaged by other children, and she was very angry, saying that she would never use that sand tool again. Although this time she still finished the sand table, she deliberately messed up everything when she left.
Before the next consultation, she complained to her mother that she didn't want to come and that she didn't think it was funny. After the counselor communicated with the mother, the mother continued to bring little Lisa over for consultation.
In the consultation, the consultant discussed her feeling of not wanting to come with Little Lisa, and it turned out that Little Lisa felt that the counselor should know that she especially liked the sand and should help her protect it well, but the counselor did not do it, she was disappointed, and she was angry with the counselor.
She projects hatred on the counselor and deliberately messes up everything when she leaves, in fact, her subconscious is to punish the counselor and let the counselor "clean up the mess". Her hatred was so strong that the counselor became a very bad and dark object in her mind, and this punishment persisted in the next 3 consultations.
Then, she found that the counselor still treated her as usual, did not "retaliate" against her, did not "abandon" her, and she stabilized slightly.
She would test the counselor in counseling, asking many times "Do you remember the last time I took a XX?", "Do you remember that I just came here for the third time to play a XX world?" When she found the counselor remembered, she would be at ease.
The counselor continues to explain that Little Lisa wants the counselor not to forget her, and hopes that when she does not come to the consultation, she also exists in the counselor's heart. (Because when she feels like the counselor has forgotten her, she's scared and feels like she doesn't exist.) This is a manifestation of the horror fantasies that arose during the early separation. )
When the counselor slowly became a "good object" in her heart, she stopped hating the counselor, stopped leaving a mess for the counselor, and the sand table stabilized.
After that, the sandbox became deeper and began to show her relationship with her parents.
In the first stage, she liked her father, hated her mother, and felt that her mother was not good: her mother had a bad temper and often quarreled with her father, which led to her father leaving; Feeling that her mother is unable to keep her father, and her mother is not willing to change, she resents her mother.
Although the external reality is that mom takes more care of her and spends more time and energy on her studies and daily care, dad almost ignores her, but in little Lisa's heart: the part of love, bet on dad, the part of hate is projected on mom,
Therefore, Dad is good and Mom is bad. The feeling in her heart made her unwilling to listen to her mother's words, and even disliked and opposed her mother, and her mother was dissatisfied with what she did.
In the second stage, the hatred for the mother becomes peaceful from fierce, and you can see the good parts of the mother, such as the mother taking care of herself is not easy, the mother has a better temper, the mother does not beat herself, the mother gives herself freedom, the mother becomes beautiful, and so on.
The sandbox revolves more around her relationship with her mother, and the image of her father "travels" and does not appear in her sandbox.
In the third stage, the love for the mother increases, the hatred is projected more onto the father, the father should not fall in love with the third party, should not abandon the mother and himself, feel that the father is unreasonable, ghostly, fantasizing about "burying" the father in the sandbox, fantasizing about the father's accident.
Her hatred for her father is very strong, and she even wants to kill him on a psychological level, but she has a strong sense of guilt, and finally will make her father "resurrect". Kill again in the sandbox next time and resurrect again.
This theme lasted 6 times. In reality, she did not want to see her father for a month, did not want to accept his father's gifts, did not want to go out with his father, and felt that his father's kindness to her was pleasing herself.
In the fourth stage, although she hates her father, the concentration of hatred drops, it is no longer so strong, she also has love for her father, and her father's image has become better, but she is full of resentment towards her father's third party, and she has repeatedly expressed her desire to kill the third party in the sandbox room, and simulated various ways to kill the third party, comparing blood and violence.
Even so, it would not be able to dissolve the hatred in her heart. Since then, the 8 consultations have been around this theme, to an unprecedented degree, and the counselor once felt as if she was going to continue to hate, "this hatred is endless", completely overwhelmed by the hatred in her heart, even at the expense of ruining her own life.
Mom reflects that her attitude towards Dad has changed, and she has begun to accept gifts from Dad and is willing to hang out with Dad, but in the consultation, Lisa Xiao said that this is "revenge" against Dad and deliberately spends Dad's money.
In fact, at this time, her heart already has love for her father, but at the same time there is hatred, hatred makes her dare not admit her love and need for her father, "So a bad person, how can I love him?"
She began to be considerate and dependent on her mother, willing to lie on her mother's lap, and her mother felt that the mother-daughter relationship had become better.
In the fifth stage, slowly she realized in the sandbox that hatred for the third party had occupied all of her heart, affected her life, and began to shift part of her attention to her own study and family life in the sandbox.
The previous hatred of third parties occupied 30 minutes in the consultation, and slowly became 20 minutes, 10 minutes. She can't forgive the third party, let alone love the third party, but slowly she can bear part of the hatred and not let the hatred that is too strong destroy her life and study.
In the sixth stage, in the sandbox, her love and hate appear in her self-portrait, which has a very beautiful her, and there is also a classmate who likes to be destructive, very bad, and often criticized. This classmate is actually a part of her inner, a bad and bad part of her, and that beautiful her is a good and satisfactory part of her.
Little Lisa's counseling is still continuing, the first 50 times of counseling, the child has undergone great changes, in the presentation of her inner world split love and hate at the same time, but also let us see the child's inner growth and progress, as well as the slow integration of her inner love and hate. In the future, with the deepening of counseling, I believe that she will get better and better, and she will be more capable of getting along well with her parents, learning happily and growing up healthily!
[This article is the original case of Teacher Xu Wenjiao, the relevant information of the case has been modified, and the company reserves the right to investigate according to law if it is used or tampered with without permission. 】