Text/Lucky Online Non also
Old people often say that marriage needs children to maintain it. Only when you have a child, you can be considered a real family.
Before, marriage was mainly for the sake of passing on the generations, and there was nothing wrong with that. But now, everyone's demands are more and more, the differences are getting bigger and bigger, and the children have become the fuse of divorce from the bond of relationship.
According to statistics, one year after giving birth to a child, the divorce rate is the highest. Even if you don't get divorced, you're arguing.
Why?
Having experienced it, I am afraid that at this moment, a thousand words are pouring into my heart. If you haven't experienced it, look at the new drama "Dear Child" co-starring Qin Hao and Ren Suxi.
01 How did Yinuo and Xiao Lu get divorced?
Originally, Yinuo and Xiao Lu were also loving couples.
When Yinuo was pregnant, her legs were swollen, and Xiao Lu would always give her a gentle massage when she came back from work. She wanted to eat the apple, and he immediately went to wash it, and carefully cut it into small pieces.
Overall, he is a nice husband.
From the moment Yinuo entered the delivery room, conflicts emerged one after another.
When Yinuo was waiting for delivery in the hospital, he was at home drinking beer and watching TV, and he couldn't get through the phone.
After the child was born, he did not rush to see his wife and children first, but was busy sending the placenta to his mother to stew to eat.
When the child was discharged from the hospital, as soon as he pushed open the door, he saw that the coffee table was full of fast food boxes, and the bed was a mess, and he couldn't sleep at all.
During confinement, he said that he would help take care of the children, but in fact, as soon as he lay in bed, he slept heavily. In the middle of the night, the child has to change the diaper and is not wet, and he can't wake up no matter how he barks.
Almost nothing can help, Yinuo is helpless. However, the body was too weak, the wound did not recover, and I had no strength to get angry, so I could only endure.
Fortunately, there is also a sister-in-law. At first, Sister-in-law Yue did give Yinuo great comfort. The child cried for half a day, and she was just fine. When breastfeeding, she will intimately hand over a silk scarf. But I didn't think about it, because I said two words to her, and I only did it for half a month and ran away.
Yinuo was helpless, but the chosen sister-in-law was like this, and she could only rely on herself.
Then, the mother-in-law came. It is said to be helpful, but because of the inconsistent concept of parenting, there are often contradictions.
Xiao Lu was sandwiched between the two, embarrassed. In his own words, coaxing the old coaxes the small ones, endlessly. To make matters worse, Xiao Lu's younger brother also came to add to the blockage.
Finally, Yinuo broke out. She knew that all Xiao Lu could do was red on both sides, and it wouldn't help. There is a lot of heart to be, and there is nothing that should be done.
I thought there was a unit behind me, but when I turned around, I found that there was no one there. At that moment, how weak and bitter his heart was, only Yinuo himself knew.
The last straw that crushed their marriage was Xiao Lu's cheating on female client Zhu Zhu and making the other party pregnant.
The woman ran directly to the child's first birthday party, in front of many guests, and let Yinuo fulfill herself.
Is it tolerable or intolerable?
Yinuo was completely disappointed.
She was able to accept Xiao Lu's carefulness and thoughtfulness, and was busy every day until she came back late. She could accept that Xiao Lu was just busy with the mud when she was wronged. After all, she wasn't a messer either.
However, she could not accept that she had made so many concessions, and one person had silently carried everything, and Xiao Lu would betray her.
Divorce is an inevitable choice.
02 Whose fault is it?
Infidelity aside, their marriage had already been crumbling in just one year.
If you are two people well, why can't you get by?
Many people cursed Xiao Lu on the barrage.
Scolding him is a decoration.
Scolding him is the typical representative of "widowed parenting" fathers.
The most infuriating thing is that he actually cheated on his wife while she was breastfeeding.
However, there are also many people who think that Yinuo is too pretentious, which makes Xiaolu make a mistake when he is upset.
Is Xiao Lu unforgivable? Apparently not. By general standards, he wasn't very bad. Otherwise, 80% of men will be pulled out to criticize.
Is it a promise? It was a little irritable, but it was not incomprehensible, and all her demands and concerns were reasonable.
Since everything is correct, who is responsible for the breakdown of the marriage?
Is it a child?
It seems that problems arise after the birth of a child.
But what is the child doing wrong? Crying or making trouble is just an instinct to survive.
Moreover, in many cases, children are indeed very healing, making couples more intimate.
If you pay attention, you will find that these couples often know how to think differently and have a family concept.
They love their children from the bottom of their hearts and are willing to take care of them together. Even if it's hard work, it's fun.
On the contrary, those couples who quarrel endlessly because of their children subconsciously regard their children as a battlefield in the struggle for the rights of husband and wife. They care more about their own feelings and needs than about their children's feelings and needs.
Yinuo's tiredness comes from taking care of the children, and even more from the disappointment in Xiao Lu.
After the divorce, she is still alone with the children, but she will no longer feel depressed. Xiao Lu didn't understand until after the divorce that all the troubles before were sweet burdens.
The child is still that child, the person is still the person, the relationship has changed, and the feelings are very different.
Why? It's never people who are wrong, it's relationships.
There is a problem in the relationship between husband and wife, and they can no longer nourish each other, but only consume each other. The most obvious feature of this bad couple relationship is that there is more positive emotional flow than negative emotional flow, and more negative communication than positive communication.
This mode of getting along is the killer of the husband and wife relationship, and the two who love each other cannot withstand several rounds of tests.
In the end, what determines whether a relationship can last is not only whether two people love each other and whether they are good, but also whether two people have established a benign mode of getting along.
After all, no one's marriage is a vacuum. There are always different problems, and all kinds of strange families are indispensable, but as long as two people can reach a consensus, they can solve these troubles together.
03 Don't let your child become a scapegoat for the relationship between husband and wife
As a person who has come over, watching this drama really feels quite depressing.
Because I know that many new mothers will break down more after giving birth than Yinuo.
Although she does not have reliable teammates, she has a warm and reliable mom and dad.
When she is helpless, lost, and wandering, she can also hide back in her parents' haven. She also has two on-call, open-minded friends who always stand behind her when she needs help. She also has a stable job that will support her to live alone and not have to run too much for her livelihood.
But in reality, many mothers are fighting alone, and they are not even qualified to collapse. Because once you fall, the child is left alone.
Perhaps, many people who have watched this drama do not want to have children or get married. Not just women, but men as well. Women don't want to go through the same labor and despair as Yinuo. Men don't want to go through the same collapse, madness, and torment as Xiao Lu.
I understand all kinds of despair, anxiety, loss, and trepidation.
However, as a counselor, I have seen too many marriages, and I would like to say that having children is not terrible, marriage is not terrible, and the real horror is that we have not yet learned to deal with the conflict of needs and rushed to get married and have children.
Clashes between yinuo and Xiaolu are all too common. Not only that, but there may also be a lot of problems such as mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship, child-rearing concept problems, work and rest problems, economic problems, work problems, and so on.
Whether the fortress of marriage can withstand the impact of this series of cannons lies in whether the husband and wife can support each other with the help of each other's emotions.
Just imagine, if Koji could think more about "why is she like this, how can I make her feel better", when Yinuo is anxious and depressed, he will not sleep so soundly. In order to hide from The Quiet, he will deliberately hang out until very late before returning.
He may know what a good husband should be like, but subconsciously he will feel that this is a burden, not a responsibility. Therefore, if he didn't say anything, he would be happy. Even if he said it, he was only perfunctory.
The so-called carelessness and big grin are just because they don't really take the other person to heart. I sincerely hope that a person is good and can make a wooden person become empathetic.
The so-called good is not what is done and what is said, but what the other party wants, whether you give it.
Similarly, if Yinuo is not so anxious, the atmosphere in the home will not be so tense. More importantly, she herself will not be so wronged, uncomfortable, and painful.
Unfortunately, Yinuo has been angry, and Xiao Lu has been with thin mud. From beginning to end, the two people were unable to sit down and have a good chat about each other's feelings, nor could they understand each other.
So-called, the place where there is no response, is the hopeless situation. As a result, I can only be discouraged.
In fact, if the two cannot resolve this emotional tension, even if they are divorced, they will still be miserable. Especially, having children.
It is also possible that they will never have the courage to remarry as a result.
How to resolve?
When there are emotions, it is best not to be reasonable, not to argue about right and wrong, because it will not help, and it will only increase troubles.
When the other party has emotions, don't rush to refute and prove your innocence, just listen quietly. When she was done, give her a hug and kiss her, "Honey, I'm sorry I have low emotional intelligence and can't read your needs." After that, you will tell me directly, okay? ”
When you have emotions, first scold the air. In fact, many emotions, especially excessive emotions, have nothing to do with others, only with themselves. The mood is calm, and then go to express the appeal, the effect is better.
In short, a good relationship should heal people, not consume people.
The suffering of life is often inevitable. That's why we need to find a partner.